An Unwelcome Visitor: Chapter.23

Sometimes you have just got to do it!

(To fly, to meet long lost mates......to write poetry!!!)

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By the time that this chapter goes out, I would have been on holiday for a week, to Guernsey in the Channel Islands. This will be a 'land mark' event for me because it is the first time I would have flown since '87 and it would have been the first time I have flown since I was diagnosed with M.S!  Now yours truly is not a good flyer, I know in this day and age, if you want to see the world, flying is by far the best way to do it efficiently, so I will do it, I will climb those steps but I do not like it!  It's a white knuckle ride all the way for me, if the passenger next to me wants to go to the toilet, then climb over, knock yourself out,  I 'aint moving!!  I still maintain that if God meant for us to fly we would have wings and be covered in feathers, so on a personal level,  I just need booze, drugs or a punch on the jaw, I do NOT like flying, period!!

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If that's true, there must be a lot of people who dream about me!!

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Please, just let me Sleep! (A poem)

Back in the day, it would happen naturally,

At the end of each day, I just slept,

Now, life is so different,

I want to, I try to but sometimes, I can't!

I try to close my eyes and finish the day,

I toss and I turn, disturbing the house,

I stare at the ceiling, I stare in the dark,

I stare into space and I think, please don't let me think,
 over and over I think,come on for Christs  sake, 
just let me switch off!

Thoughts of the good times may possibly help, 
of all of the happy times, the good times of how it was before,

I silently giggle of how good that they were, Christ they were good,

with tears in my eyes I begin to think back, 

will they ever return, perhaps, maybe, who knows but Christ they were good!

I go tense, I relax, I go tense, I relax,

Still I remain wide awake and then when my guard is down, those thoughts come crashing back,

Never thoughts that I want, mostly  thoughts to worry and scare me,

Perhaps it's the coffee, yea, it's the coffee but I love the coffee,  
I like it, it's good,

I know it is bad, but somehow, I can't let it go, I won't let it go, the pleasure is mine,

don't take that as well for fuck's sake!

Maybe I am just over-tired, yea, of course,  that's it, over-tired, 
I'm just clutching at straws now looking for a reason,

Over-tired my ass, I am not over-tired, that's an old wives tale,

I just can't sleep, I want to sleep, please let me sleep,

Why won't you let me sleep, it's not much to ask!

The game that you play, it's your game, not mine!

Now I've had enough, I give in, ok, I suppose this time, 
it looks like you win,

…..but I still need to know why you do it to me,

I still need to know what have I ever done to you,

I still need to know why you picked on me, it is for certain, 
that never in a million would I have picked you!

I ask you nicely but listen you don't, I think that you mock me,

You play with me, do I amuse you, do I make you laugh, 
does it please you to to fuck with me?

Finally, eventually, you grant me my wish, to close my eyes 
and just let me sleep, well thanks very much,

did I call you a bastard, no, well sorry I'm prone to forget but a bastard you are!

Sleep arrives, a deep sleep but it's never  restful  and when I awake,

You are still there, waiting for the night to arrive,

To start your game and to fuck with my life,

all over again!

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You need to have good friends in your life, these are the people that keep us 'grounded'.

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       I am back now, safe and sound and I have just spent a glorious week in Guernsey, this was a special week on SO many levels.  For a start ladies and gentlemen, M.S did not get mentioned, did not get thought about, it just was banished for almost  the whole week.  What was more pleasing to me was that the flights there and back, had no adverse effect on this Bastard Thing!  I survived the flights Ok, I did not speak much while I was on the plane admittedly , other than a curt 'yes' or 'no' when it was required of me. I looked out of the windows very 'fleetingly' and just stuck my head into the paper and had my cup of 'piss weak' coffee and a Mars bar and when we landed, I could not get off that plane quick enough!  The weather was great, the hotel was great, the food was great, in fact, the whole 'everything ' was just great!!  To cap it all off this week, I met up with a great mate of mine who I have not seen for  twenty plus years and we had the best of times!  M.S was not even mentioned until the end of our  meeting!  When I told him, he looked at me, looked me up and down and said, 'your joking right?', you look so well! He thought I should have been in a wheelchair, or at least on a stick, 'isn't that what you lot do' he said, which made me roar my head off laughing!  I must be totally honest, being serious for a minute,  I was, to start with, a little, suspicious of his comments, was he just being nice to me, trying to make me feel better perhaps?  In short, no he wasn't, in fact he most definitely was not, this was , I suppose just what I wanted to hear, in fact I NEEDED to hear that! Let's be honest about it, what better way is there of jolting you back to reality, when a good friend who has not seen you for a long, long time, who has not got a clue that you have got M.S, when that person looks at YOU as if it is YOU who is taking the piss out of HIM, now that is a reality check, one for all of the 'right' reasons!!

            The most 'powerful' thought that our meeting gave me was, perhaps I don't look as bad as I think I do, perhaps, after all these years, no, for definite,  I am still behaving like the 'judge and jury' on myself!!  The way I think I am, the way WE think we are, is more often than not, totally 'NOT' the impression that other people have of us!  It is when someone who is totally unaware about your 'predicament' says things like that, believe me it works wonders on YOU, it pumps up everything, your ego, your self esteem, your whole mood and with that , your outlook on YOU and M.S it's better than any drug I can tell you, perhaps the confused state that we are perpetually in, is perhaps not what or how the world at large see's us, now that my friends, is something we should ALL think about!!

     It was such a fantastic meeting that I had, one that gave me such a lot to think about, I felt 'compelled' to put pen to paper and come up with yet another poem (I'm sorry Sun but things are just 'happening' to me, I just seem to be unable to stop 'rambling on'!!)

So, the next time any of you feel, really 'pissed off' about anything or anyone, likewise if something makes you feel good, makes you feel happy, or as it often is in my case, completely and totally 'defiant' towards this  Bastard Thing, channel your thoughts because to 'ramble on' is good, believe, it may be crap to others and it won't win you any prizes but it releases a lot of your 'artistic' energy, stuff that, as in my case you have hidden away or not even known it was there in the first place!! 

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          Anyway, I know of an Angel of the Desert, who likes to venture out into that magical wilderness, sometimes she floats, sometimes she glides, sometimes she strolls , other days she will just take the train to.........wherever, I think she neither cares or knows but  she knows how to write and she knows what lies over those mountains and she knows a way through them there canyons and she does not mind if I ramble on....and on.......and on.........and on because one day, she shall dance, while I write on the roof of that endless metal rattler!

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'It's been a while!

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You arrange to meet up,

 Will they be the same,

 You certainly hope so!

You know they sound the same,

 They look......a bit different

 but then again, so do you!

Time has moved on since last you met,

 You are older and wiser, not always cleverer agreed,

 You may think you are but then again, perhaps,so do they!

The day arrives, the one you have waited so long, 

The time and the place is arranged by you both,

You finally meet, you shake and you greet,

 The years just disappear, like they were never there, 

You laugh and you joke, you are happy, never sad,

You laugh at this and you laugh at that,

You are amazed at this and you disbelieve that,

You remember this guy and try to remember that girl,

I never did that, did I, I wasn't even there, was I?

Oh my god, don't tell the wife, she won't believe you, 

Well I hope not anyway, Christ, are you sure that was me?

We did have such a good time back in the day,

 Don't worry, that secret is safe, from your wife....anyway!

So who is to say, you can't laugh anymore,

 You are older, maybe wiser but deep down in side,

 You are still the same, he is just the same, we really are, still the same,

 Memories are precious and our friends are so dear, 

Whatever may happen, you must hang on to them both

 and try the best that you can, 

To always  keep them near.

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So it is back to work today, my hand is still giving cause for concern, (probably because I am back at work) I'm on another painkiller now and it is not yet working, or at least not as fast as I would like anyway. I am taking a few more drugs than I would like and the biggest problem to me is remembering to take them as and when!  I have set an alarm on my phone that when it goes off, a message appears, 'Take Your Bloody Tablets'!!!) but I STILL forget sometimes, perhaps I should have it tattooed on my forearm!!

It's just too many, different shapes, different sizes, Christ it's tough being a former Rock God!

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            I am trying my best not to but I seem to be 'subconsciously' resting it, trying to do more with my right hand, now is this a good thing, I am paranoid that the longer I 'rest' my left hand, I will slowly but surely, stop using it, perhaps, not altogether but  enough to make it 'not' my 'weapon of choice' if you like! It is even starting to hurt when I change gear on the car, should I start to think about an automatic for my next car, I know that is an option but it is one that I was hoping that I was not going to have to think about, not just yet anyway!  So I have been putting in a lot of practice on my 'uke' , I take it to work everyday, not only is it a form of physio on my left wrist but I do get the occasional 'audience' and they all think I am pretty good, I tell them that they should have heard me before this Bastard Thing arrived!!  So much so that in my dinner breaks, with a sandwich in my gob and my feet on the desk, I just thrash away and the same when I get home from work, if the weather is good, straight out in the garden and bug the bejeezus out of the neighbours!! I am, ladies and gentlemen, albeit in my own fog, still a Rock god, only this time,with a Uke for a weapon and the sound I create today is more 'organic' than 'orgasmic'!

...........instead of

..........but it's only Rock 'n' Roll however you play it and size doesn't matter anyway............that's right isn't it?.........

HELL YEAH!!!

      Since my last blog, the pain has at times become quite bad but on the whole, it has stayed pretty much the same and now has become just a real pain in the ass! The thing that I keep thinking about is, is this the start of something altogether, a bit 'bigger'!  As I have said before, I have never experienced any real pain, so this is something that is, even after all this time, new to me.  I must be honest, I make a conscious effort to ignore any changes, however big or small because so far ,they have all gone away eventually but this one is hanging about a bit!

 

Anyway, I shall just have to take it on, whatever it chucks at me, I shall retain the state of mind that I always keep and just give it my best 'FUCK YOU'!

Until next time, bombs away dream babies.X