An Unwelcome Visitor : Chapter.22

I don't do Pain, it's left me alone..........until now goddammit!

           Compared to some, pain, by that I mean, REAL pain, has so far eluded me, I have had a lot of aches but no 'real' pain at all, so I guess we can safely say, I have been lucky!  Just lately however, the pain that I have been experiencing, seems to be getting worse and this has, in equal measure, angered me, perhaps started to worry me even, probably because I am left handed in most things that I do!  I write with it, I eat with it, I play guitar left handed(mostly uke these days!) my brain thinks left and it instructs me to perform 'most' things with my left!  So you can imagine my sense of fear, when all appears to have gone 'tits up' with my left hand because what started off as an annoying 'twinge', has turned into a full blown 'JESUS CHRIST'!!!  Describing a pain is something I have always struggled to be able to do, I just can't get my head around this 'on a scale of one to ten' bollocks but just imagine, someone or something has grabbed your arm, grips your wrist and begins to crush the hell out of it, getting tighter and tighter as they begin to twist around your hand!  I have been taking prescribed painkillers for 'mild' pain for sometime and they appear to have worked at all of the required parts of 'me' that they are needed but they are proving to be totally ineffective for my wrist!  As I said earlier, this is both worrying me and really, I mean REALLY pissing me off, so much so that I am seeing the Doc next week to see what he has to say.  

                       I may have just damaged it in some way, I don't know, perhaps it has been there for longer than I care to admit/acknowledge but it's getting to be a bit like toothache, it gets you down after a while!  I think that people are beginning to think that I have lost it a bit lately because I am often heard swearing at it 'loudly' and as normal, I want the pain gone and I want it gone NOW!!

                I use a P.C a hell of a lot, at work and at home, so is it carpel tunnel syndrome, I do a lot of 'manual' work, a lot of lifting , have I broken my wrist, have I sprained it, I don't know, I have never experienced either before so I don't know the feeling that I would be going through, at least there is no swelling so I think that rules them out anyway! So, is The Bastard thing making it's presence felt a bit more than normal, I just don't know, we shall wait and see!  I think that I would be feeling totally different about it if it were my right wrist, I know that sounds stupid but believe me, my right hand has always been an 'afterthought', I have always thought of it as the 'backup' to my left anyway.  So when things become a bit 'different' to normal, I do get a bit 'concerned' shall we say but as I have said from day one, Martin my boy, you have been a lucky son-of-a-bitch! So I have been 'flexing' my wrist a bit more than normal, all in the vain hope that it will keep the damn thing from completely going to 'sleep' on me!

'The little Jar of Delights'

              I have recently tried using something that I have thought about for years, 'Tiger Balm' and I must be honest it has been a bit different to what/how I imagined it would be!  I did get it to use on my wrist, sad I know but I have been getting really wound up by it so I thought, what the hell, give it a go!  What I had heard of it before was that this little jar of 'special' ointment  had wonderful powers of healing etc etc!  So I bought a jar, not off the Net, from a well known High Street Chain of Chemists, rubbed it on my wrist and waited for it to do it's stuff! Then I had heard that people rub some onto their temples to relieve tension, right then, i'll have some of that!  So, has it worked, wrist, not so sure yet, relief of tension, the vapor certainly makes you more alert, makes your eyes tend to stare wildly (nothing new there then!) and everyone, I mean everyone, has told me to make sure that I wash my hands thoroughly after applying it and 'before' I go for a pee, I believe it 'burns' and not in a 'good' way, so I don't think I will put it to the test if that is ok with you!!!

         

            Just lately, I have been giving thought to a few things that I would 'never' have even dreamed of, one being 'meditation'.  I did try it years ago, in my pre-M.S days and I must be honest, I was just kidding myself, I could never really relax enough, even in those days, beer, girls and loud music were the order of the day back then!  To allow myself to go into a completely peaceful state of mind is still SO hard for me to do but at least I'm now trying , things are a bit, well, a lot different now, I'm older for a start, perhaps I am more determined,  so I shall keep on at it!! 

                      I seem to now be able to 'close down' a bit easier, not completely yet, still a work in progress, I have to be in the house on my own, no noises or distractions of any kind!  I am only 'gone' for about five to ten minutes and the first few times I ended up getting a 'banging' headache, which was a bit of a turn off!  I know that having the correct posture is also a great help, essential really but I am a natural 'sloucher' so that is in itself a challenge  but it has spurred me on to make inquiries about going to some sort of class, it is definitely one of those things that I should have done years ago that's for sure!!

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            I have also started to write poetry and short stories, oh yea right, I hear you say, a hairy arsed rocker writing poetry, oh yes mes amis!  It is albeit, for my own reading pleasure, early days yet and they are a bit....scratchy, a bit rough round the edges (much like myself perhaps!) but I am enjoying it, it is very 'cathartic', you should try it!  Only a few have been subjected to my 'prose', The Angel that is 'Perpetual Sunshine' and  'Sweet Caroline', the beautiful fair Ladies Of The Canyon, to name but......two,  now these two know their way round a pad and pen that's for sure, compared to me without doubt but it's fun, a bit like doing a blog I suppose, a bit like a gusher, once it goes, it just spews forth, just watch that baby go!

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Some like it hot, oh, that will be  me!!

It is well documented that some M.S'rs are greatly effected by temperature!  This could be anything from the weather temperature, the temperature of your food to the temperature you run your bath or shower!  Well, luckily for me, I am not effected or bothered by any of these, so I am very lucky, things I have heard, spoken or read about in recent times tell me that this can be quite different for some people!

Sitting in the sun, being out in the sun does not bother me at all, the only things that I have to watch out for are getting sunburn on my head, being a baldy, that goes with the territory!  A hat is the order of the day to prevent this, also because I am blessed with a 'proud' nose, so a good dollop of sun cream is a must, although I may not feel the burning anymore, it is not a good look walking around with blisters and peeling skin on it!

Enjoying the sunshine is, for me anyway, such a 'feelgood' way to waste some time, it makes me relaxed, it makes me happy I suppose, sitting in a chair and closing my eyes is all I need and I am soon away to a much better place and that suits me fine! People are generally nicer to each other if it is nicer out, most people are happier, more friendly and sociable, nice days do have the power  to take you away from your other worries.......at least, for a while! 

                 However, I will be the first to acknowledge that it can also bite you on the ass if you are not careful! So if you are anything like me, ten minutes sat out in it and you usually fall asleep anyway, then eventually you wake up looking like a lobster, not a good look but I must be honest, I love to see the expressions on peoples faces when they ask me, 'bet that hurts' and I, with a wicked smile say, 'actually, it doesn't! 

               So the moral is, cream up first, don't stay out too long and try not to fall asleep, in fact most of the things we have told  the kids to make sure that they should do, so, guilty as charged, you've got me bang to rights!  I use the lame excuse of 'not feeling' myself burn like I used to, which as I say,  very true but when you have got the wife and kids going on at me, I go the 'anything for a quiet life' route and be a 'I'll be a good boy!'  Being totally honest for a minute, I suppose I have got this stupid attitude where upon I often am known to say, 'what's the worst that can happen to me now, my life has been blighted enough by this Bastard Thing for Gods sake'!! Quite a lot actually, having M.S does not make me exempt from getting sunburn, my skin is still the same, I may not 'feel' the burn like I used to and I am still fortunate to be able to get out of the sun, unlike some of us, so, for me, no excuse!! (Although I do stand by my comment, I just keep it to myself most of the time!)  

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My feelings towards Death!!!

Oi! you up there, with the axe thingy bob, I'm just about to explain my feelings, so FUCK YOU, I'll come when I'M ready ok!!

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I must point out, the following feelings, ramblings are purely my 'own', they are not meant and certainly should not be construed as being anything other than my 'own' viewpoint!  We all have our own ways of looking at this subject and I appreciate that but these are mine!

Do you 'cherish' life, are you inclined to be the sort of person that wants to, that needs to, hang on to every single minute that you have got of it?  This was a question that was asked of me recently by some good friends (most of my friends are good ones)!  I had to give it a bit of thought, I had never been asked such a question since being diagnosed and it certainly is not something that I give a lot of my thoughts to!  My answer to them was to say 'am I afraid of dying, is that what you mean'?, I could see from their collective faces that because of the 'matter of fact' way that I approached my answer to the question, they were a bit.....uncomfortable shall we say!  Eventually one  replied, 'well.......yes I suppose we do'!!

Am I afraid of dying, such an important question, one that is not an easy one to ask and one that has more than one answer to it and as I said in the beginning, this is purely and totally my own!

I think I may have said before at some time, I know that the M.S that I have, is not going to kill me, it has got the capacity to make my life pretty shitty if it wants, no question of that and I am most definitely, fully aware of that too! I suppose because M.S is at the moment, 'a chronic incurable condition', having now got used to that knowledge, my thoughts, my outlook on life , are certainly, as far as I am now is concerned, 'well adjusted, in fact, totally adjusted'.  I know that  maybe, I will be in  for a rough time, or not as the case maybe, it's because that this notion is never too far away from my own thoughts, my opinion on dying is perhaps a little different to most, maybe cynical, maybe even ......selfish!  Let's get one thing straight, I have no intention of shutting up shop just yet, I also have no intention of hanging around for too many years if this Bastard Thing has other ideas about the game we are going to play either! Now let me be honest, I have no desire at all to play any game that is 'SO' one sided, especially one that I can never, ever win!  I have no intention of becoming a burden on anyone, especially to my wife, to my family and friends, I do not want carers looking after me, I have been there with my wife taking care of me, so I do know what I am talking about and I hated it with a passion and I have vowed that I would never want to go through that again, EVER!  I certainly do not wish to make friends with this Bastard Thing that has fucked up my life for fourteen years, I may not die 'because of M.S' but I will die 'with M.S', I will have the last laugh and it will be long and hearty!!  There have been times, when This Bastard Thing has been toying with me, getting the better of me and I have become a bit 'down' a bit 'morose', a bit of a " why don't you just FUCK OFF" state of mind, do you get the picture, I think you do!!  Eventually, so far at least and thankfully, it goes, it leaves me alone, a bit battered, a 'bit' less than I was before but it goes!

        Right then, the question is, you may be asking, do I think I am being selfish, well, I suppose I am because let's be honest, it is only ME that is going to ultimately have to deal with  the outcome, so have I got the right to determine my own future?  All I am saying is that such a monumental decision, let's not beat about the bush here, the ULTIMATE decision, should be mine and mine alone and if some dick-head in Westminster who makes the laws that we all have to abide by, say's otherwise, that it is a crime and I should not even 'think' of what 'I want'!  Well, we can have a drink together, we can chat about it but don't you dare try and tell me what I should do or how I should be thinking, that's all I am saying!

              Let me make it perfectly clear, as I said earlier, I have no intention of disappearing into the sunset just yet, I do want to enjoy my retirement when it comes (again, not just yet, I'm only 54 for Christ's sake!).  I would like to have grand kids maybe, that decision is purely that of my own kids, up to them. I have made a 'bucket list' and I certainly will aim to complete that to the best of my ability, starting now!  While I am still able to work, I intend to stay doing that for as long as I can, my wife works, all of my kids work ( all still at home though, bummer!!) I have no mortgage to worry about so we intend to 'down-size' to a bungalow and do it now while I am still relatively in good health. We plan to do some travelling, do some things that I/we have always wanted to do, do as much 'STUFF' while I still can, things that we always planned on doing but because of this Bastard Thing, coming along for the ride, we have just had to bring things a little further forward than we had planned!  Please, please forgive me for coming across as perhaps too clinical or pompous, I am sorry but that is just me, I have plans and they all involve choices that will be mine, MY CHOICES!

            My argument with the'MAN' is what right has he got to say how my life  should go if things start to go down hill, oh yes, that would be a big fat 'ZERO', so if I am happy with my choices, so be it and I would appreciate them to be ok with them too!  So unless a miracle happens and this Bastard Thing becomes consigned to the history books (you never know!!) I plan on heading off to a far ,far better place, where smiling, being happy and nice, is the law!

          I bet your thinking, 'what the hell is he on this week, what's he talking about!' Well my friends, that's fine with me because as we ALL know, M.S is a very 'solitary' condition in the first place, we are affected differently and we ALL have an opinion and this particular one is MINE!

          As there are quite a few things on my 'bucket list', I aim to be around for quite a while before I have to address any of that 'serious' stuff but to answer the original question, NO I'm not afraid of dying, it's official!

             So some of the list is 'wishful thinking' , like sharing a cuppa with Keith and Ronnie, chewing the fat with Iggy, I want to borrow Slash's top hat, I would love to see Maria Doyle Kennedy play some gigs in the UK, I want to get up on stage and duet with Al Green!  Christ, my list of wants and to-do's is endless, 'unbelievable' even but a man can dream ........can't he!

                   Until next time, bombs away dream babies. XX

The Unwelcome Visitor : Chapter 21

              Don't know why but I am pretty angry this week, a bit pissed off, must be because it was such a good week last week so now it's back to work, back to the daily grind  and it has has been a  kind of 'reality check' if you will! I just can't stand listening to the whiny, winging people you  have to work with day in and day out, keeping me from telling them to shut the fuck up is such a hard job, if it is a 'justified' gripe or moan, fair enough, spew it out but it usually is not most of the time!  So I have to think of subtle way's in which to pretend that I am interested, well my friends, that 'aint so easy and I don't want to be thought of as that miserable sod now do I! So I shall just keep on confusing them, it's what I do, it's what I am good at, let them think I am interested in their snotty noses and their bad backs.  If it is genuine, then I am your friend, I will listen, if not, then find somebody else, PLEASE, I have far more important things and REAL friends to share my life with!!

Getting back your self -esteem!!
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                 This is something that hits us all in varying degrees but it certainly does a hell of a lot of damage, as much as we try and kid ourselves, it does play havoc on us all!  When you are hit with anything that changes you as a person physically, that is bad enough and also very obvious but M.S does more than that (if you let it of course!!) it kicks the crap out of your self esteem!  Where once upon a time you were a very 'in your face' type of person, an outgoing guy as in my case, someone who was up for most things, a very tactile person, a very friendly person, maybe even 'flirtatious' (always in a nice way you understand), the various changes that happen to you are almost too numerous to list! The saddest thing  about these changes are, we 'ALL' think that they are so obvious to others, we notice them ourselves, we experience them, so others must see them too, right, you would think so!  This is virtually always far from the truth and most people will tell us that is not the case at all, all very nice to know but at first and for a long time after, you just think that they are being nice and maybe just humoring you, I know I did that's for sure!  I have had many a heated 'discussion' with my wife on this very subject and she always fails to 'get' what is bugging me but she knows me better than any Doctor, better than any Councillor, better than any 'white coat', of course she does but she is my wife, for better or for worse after all!!  I suppose she can 'see through' all of the changes to me,  she can still see the real me, whereas, I still have so much trouble finding the real 'me' but I'm in there, I just need a bit of help being found, a bit of coaxing out to make an appearance from time to time!

                              

                        

                                   The Man in the mirror!
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          Am I a shadow of my former self?  Am I a 'cracked actor' just pretending to be the person that M.S wants me to be? Do I have to do as I'm told...............I don't think so!
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         I don't know about you guy's but I would on occasion, look into a mirror and the person looking back would 'never' be me, always someone else, probably because I would never be smiling, never be happy, a 'distant' shadow of the person that I once was perhaps? I know that I have mentioned this before but I have been staring into the mirror a lot lately, sometimes I tend to stare long and hard into it too, I sometimes get so angry, I don't know why, is it with me or the reflection looking back at me! I'm not ashamed to admit, that sometimes I become very sad, very emotional, it just seems to 'well up' in me, usually not for long thankfully!  My wife would be the one who would shake me back to reality, she would get very angry with me and tell me that I was the same person inside, I just needed to smile a bit more, start to like myself a bit more and the 'old' me would come storming back!  Yet again she is right and soon I start to see that the  reflection that I wanted to be looking at, would start to re-appear in the mirror!  Of course, she is right, she's always right, that's what witches do, right! So the person I always was, the person that I sometimes choose 'not' to see, obviously he is always there, always inside me,  begins to re-appear, takes a bit of time but he gradually comes back and my battle with this Bastard thing begins again in earnest!  I am 'SO' lucky,so 'incredibly' lucky, I could be 'SO' much worse than I am, it's just taken me such a long time to realize, even fourteen years down the line, 'thinking' I am worse than I am, has been the main reason, correction, the 'ONLY' reason that my self-esteem has taken such a pounding!  It must be a form of 'self-harming' I suppose because when I look into the subject, I don't mean cutting myself or any form of blood letting but it is only me that has done the kicking, I have been at war with myself I suppose, I have done the harm to my thinking process, we 'all' do, there is no denying it, we all do! So what should I do, where do I go!  Well, as I have said so many times before, I, you, we and us have first and foremost, got to start 'liking' ourselves, there is no room for any kind of doubt, we must not, repeat, 'NOT', let M.S grab the chance to do a complete 'make-over' on us as individuals!

  

                                   The 'Ring' of Kick Ass!!
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               On a recent trip to Glastonbury, I had decided to fulfill a long held dream of mine, I wanted to acquire a skull ring!  A man of fifty four like myself, you are probably thinking, what the hell does he want one for at his age, twat!  Well my friends, I have wanted one for years, ever since the days when I had hair and as a 30th anniversary present from my wife, I asked for one and much to my surprise, she said ok, I think she was just humouring me!  We went to Glastonbury, found a silversmith down an alley way, fitting from a scene straight out of Harry Potter,  Mel's of Glastonbury,( highly recommend you check him out) saw the one I wanted, measured my finger, ordered the ring with a handshake and a week later, it was ready!  This was to be my homage to Keith Richards, to Iggy to Slash to Lemmy and all of the rebels that wear one as a badge of honour, as their own statement, although the 'personal' significance it means to me, is HUGE!!

Elegantly wasted!

Been there, done that and I'm still gonna kick your ass!!

Life is for living.......my way!

.....and your point is??

             
                                                              

                                       

My very own 'statement of Intent'!

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'Feel the vibes man, touch the screen, go on feel it, go on....... go on,  FEEL IT!!

'Oh, so it's you, M.S I believe, I've been waiting for you!  Oh, you will, will you!!!

  
                         

                                       SOME MIGHT SAY!!!

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                 I have my own reasons yes , I am working to my own agenda most definitely, more so in recent years, especially since my own personal conflict began with this Bastard thing!!  By not only acquiring a skull ring, I am living out a dream but it is also my own way of rebelling against M.S I suppose, this is to be my own way of saying 'up yours' M.S! 
    
         It cannot protect me, it cannot stop this Bastard thing, of course it can't but as long as I have got the ring, my ring, with me, I'm going to take it on, I am not going to be an easy target!  A stupid philosophy some might say,  maybe even seen by most as futile but I can't be any different, or rather, I won't be any different!
           
           I hate you M.S, I hate what you have done to me, what you do to me, what you do to others, I do not respect you, I never have and I never will!!   You are CRUEL, you are EVIL, one day WE will have the last laugh,  this is going to be no easy ride for both of us, that's a given!!
            ' Sometimes you may have my body, sometimes you have the power to mess about with it but you 'aint got my 'attitude' and you never will!!!

   

                  ......oh, almost forgot, did I say M.S, UP YOURS!!........


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                   A prayer from the Tor, for the Battle of Hope!
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                   'Dear Lord, I wish to grow as old as I can, as disgracefully as I can and as COOL as I can GODDAMMIT!!!
So if you could see your way into helping me in taking on This Unwelcome Visitor and this Bastard Thing that it brings with it, I would be oh so grateful.  I have in my possession a Skull ring, that has mystical powers (allegedly) , all the way from the sacred town and Tor of Glastonbury in the Shire of Somerset!  It was made for me by the skilled hands of  Mel of Glastonbury(Silversmith to Gods angry men) and along with my trusty Uke, my battleaxe of choice, I am equipped for this great battle but a watchful eye would be appreciated, 'cos I do get a bit larey if things start to stack up against me!
                                     Love you Man!

'If I wanna dance, I'm gonna dance'

'The Kick-Ass dance of the Keeper of the Tor'

(M.S'rs can and do wear flip-flops, it's the law!!)

               I know, I know, you probably are thinking he's pretty shot away this week but I just feel kind of angry, kind of sad, maybe a little too 'reflective', maybe sat out in the sun too long recently, who knows, whatever!! I know one thing, I have been working too hard at work, doing holiday cover, standing in for others and then doing my own work! It's so easy to become complacent about my M.S, doing the best I can, keeping everybody happy and all the while not thinking 'enough' about myself!  The week starts off fine, not a problem but by the time Thursday comes around, I am starting to flag, fortunately the weather has been great so far, so when I get home,  I have a wash and get changed and sit in the garden and enjoy the sun!

              Next week will be fine, back to a full compliment of staff, so things go at a 'normal' pace once again!  I have promised myself, my wife, everyone who means a lot to me that I will take notice of what my body, let's face it, sometimes SCREAMS at me to slow down, to take it easy and I will, I shall but it is so hard for me to do, you would think that it would be easy for me, after all, I have been wrecked 'twice' in fourteen years, you would think that alone would be enough of a 'hint'! I suppose it is just me thinking, no, I just can't stop wishing that I am still  the same as I always was, the same as everyone else, maybe, don't know, whatever!

                I still pray that this is just a bad dream and I'm going to wake up in a cold sweat and fall around laughing, 'cos it's all over!  Well my friends, one things for certain, I've got this 'Bastard Thing' for sure but it can't stop me dreaming, now can it!

Till next time, bombs away dream babies! XX

The Unwelcome Visitor : Chapter 20

When was the last time?
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               Now, that my friends, is a bit of a 'loaded' question!  What does he mean you are asking, is it something you did, is it something you 'nearly' did or wished you had done! Don't tell me, did this bastard thing we all love to loathe make the decision for you, did you think about what effect it may have on you, you did didn't you!!  Of course we can't be completely reckless, or selfish for that matter, a lot of what we want to do impacts on those around us, the people we are mostly connected to, so a bit of care is required as to  'where, when , how and with who' you decide to throw caution to the wind but it certainly does not hurt to do something crazy now and again!!  After all my friends, we have to toe the line most of the time, do we not and  it is such a good feeling to 'give it large' once in a while!

             

Who say's you can't, oh, that would be NOBODY!!

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                   A great friend of mine recently talked me into going to a biker gig at a local pub, I was not at all keen, it's been years since I had gone for booze-up with my old mates, I have been to see bands since this Bastard thing has arrived but it's kind of different!  I usually know the venue, I know where the toilets are and I keep the fluid intake under control, also I am usually giving my undivided attention to the band or act anyway!  Although I have been out socializing many times with M.S, it has mostly been 'controlled' if that makes sense, it has been many years since I have 'really' and I mean 'really' let go and let my hair down (not that there is much to let down these day's you understand!) So I agreed to go and the evening of the gig arrived, we got dropped off and when I went in, it was like I had stepped back in time, so many familiar faces and a lot of back slapping ensued!  The beer started to flow and the band came out and proceeded to 'bludgeon' the crowd, it was great and it was soon that I remembered thinking that this is what life was all about, this is what I used to do, this is what I really used to enjoy, to LOVE doing!!  Long story short, I got pissed, I got totally plastered and I LOVED it, I had beer down my shirt, I fell over, I got up, I fell over again, some big biker dudes picked me up each time and I remember thinking, are they doing it because I might be in the way or are they doing it because I have got M.S?  Of course they did not care what I had wrong with me, it was just for those few hours, I was having a good time with them, correction, I was having the best of times, this was how I remembered how good it was, how I wished it still could be!  I could have just gone along, had some one bring me the odd beer while I just sat in a corner having the odd conversation, while all of the time longing for the taxi to arrive, fortunately, thankfully, I did none of those things!!  I don't remember getting home, I remember struggling with the key in the lock and somehow crashing out on the sofa, I was not sick, I did not pee myself, all I remember was my jaw aching from the permanent grin on my face!  The following morning I got both barrels from my wife, not for being drunk but because I had forgotten to take my tablets, oops! I remember thinking to myself, so FUCKING what, I don't feel too bad at all, I must still have had adrenaline coursing through my veins but it was good, it was SO good!  So the moral of this little saga is, you have to let yourself go 'once' in a while, if only to remember how you 'used' to be and you never know, just maybe, you won't feel as bad as you think, just.....maybe!

Having to stare this Bastard thing in the face!!

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           With the highs that came from that Friday night came a very 'real' low a few days later!!   I was asked a question that was impossible for me to answer, it was one of the most 'thought provoking' and ultimately 'emotional ' questions that I have had to face in all of my time with M.S!  One of my daughters asked me how I 'used' to feel 'before' M.S compared to how I feel now?  I gave it some thought but I could not answer her, simply because I cannot remember how I used to feel  before June 2000!  The way I feel 'now', the way I am 'now' is just my life 'now', the recollection of me 'physically' has gone, I just cannot recall feeling any different! Maybe I have subconsciously 'erased' that feeling from my memory banks because I know I am never, ever going to feel that way again, now there is a thought that smacks you right between the eyes!!  This upset me, partly because I could not answer her but I suppose more so because I could not answer myself, I tried and tried but could not come up with anything!  My wife has said that I should look at some old VHS tapes that we still have that were taken years ago, just to see if that jogs my memory, I have told her that I will put that onto my 'to-do' list but then again, I don't think I shall, that would be just 'too' painful to watch, to see my 'old' self! For me, coming to terms with this Bastard thing has been an 'epic' journey, one that I never chose to embark on and one that I have still to deal with, so to look back on the old me, smiling and laughing with not a care in the world, no thanks, not yet anyway!!

                        Me and my Incontinence Paranoia!
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          Due to my week being so very 'up and down' emotionally this particular thought was never far from my mind, it has been a very emotionally charged week that's for sure!  I have ALWAYS had a fear of either peeing or pooing myself and so far, I have been remarkably lucky I  suppose, come close a couple of times but always made it in time! With the amount of beer that I consumed recently, I definitely pee'd more than normal and remarkably made it to the toilet each time, so yes, I agree, I am a lucky bastard, no question!! I acknowledge that if I pee myself through being drunk, I can't blame it on M.S, that would be too easy( not that I am an out and out piss-artist you understand, heaven forbid!!)!  However, I am completely aware that should this become a problem to me in the future because of M.S, there are plenty of people who I could turn to if I need to, although I am a bloke who normally would not discuss any bowel or bladder issues with anyone other than my wife but I am not stupid, I know that I only have to ask, no need for any of us to suffer in silence or dampness!  
                     I know that there must be some reading this who have dealt with this issue for years, they are probably thinking, 'lucky bastard' and I acknowledge that, believe me I do!  So I am lucky, it has not affected my life, in real terms that is, just my crazy mind playing games with my head as per bloody usual!

You are unique, we are a one off, 'aint nobody like you or me!!

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Probably like a lot of us, I have often thought that having M.S has 'aged' me far quicker than the normal passage of time, it is not an uncommon thing for people to think I am older than I am (bastards!!)!!  The main reason I think that we age, not necessarily 'faster' than others but certainly at a, shall we say, just a tad.....more of a noticeable pace!! I think it's because our lives become 'slower' paced and this causes us to think more, which causes us to 'frown' more, which causes to gain wrinkles, which cause our hair to go grey and in my case, fall out, it's a vicious cycle!!  I seriously think that you should not speed up the 'aging' process by giving in or 'thinking' that you should give in, I bet you are probably thinking, what does he know, he has only got R.R.M.S! Well ok, that's true but I also know that we are a long time dead and I for one have no intention soon of giving my life to this Bastard thing, I intend on giving it as much shit as it has given to me!!  I know it is easier said than done but don't get older, faster than you have to, the years that we have are more precious than ever now, so we need to do as much as we can, as often as we can because once they are gone, they are gone, never to return!  

So, hang on to the 'now' with all you have got, this Bastard thing takes what it wants, when it wants, so do not give it anything without a fight, not always easy I know but 'YOU' have to, 'WE' have to, 'I' have to, it's the law, 'OUR' law!!

Who knew, they didn't that's for sure!!

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            I am a week later than normal, I have been away celebrating my 30th wedding anniversary, a few days away at a Hotel in Devon, very nice, very posh and VERY expensive!! We had the opportunity to dress up to the nines, be waited on hand foot and finger and generally relax, something which I have mentioned about many times before, is almost impossible for me do! M.S was not mentioned, discussed or barely even thought of for those couple of days, by me or my wife and definitely the hotel staff who were blissfully unaware anyway!  There were to be no special requirements, no inclusions and no exceptions, this Bastard thing was kicked into touch for a while and it was great!  Just having too much too think about made M.S far too 'unimportant' to think about, it barely registered on my radar! I vowed to my wife that I would be on my best behaviour and stayed on Gin and Tonic the whole time!  I loved the whole time we spent away, I even wore a dinner suit and never spilt anything down myself, result there then!!

The Burgh Island Hotel, posher than posh!!

Before the 'transformation', a caterpillar into a butterfly if you will!

Bring it on, I'm ready for anything!!

  

 Got to live it while you can, I'm feeling very.......

Sean Connery, yea, that's the fella.....

Sean Connery, who knew.............I shall drink to that,  got to forget this Bastard thing now and again, let yourself go, Cheers!

Rant over,  it's been a lovely week, one I shall remember for all the right reasons! Till next time, Bombs Away Dream Babies! XX