An Unwelcome Visitor: Chapter 10
A change in taste and palette!!
One of the many changes that have occurred over the past thirteen years are to my taste buds and indeed to my palette as a whole (perhaps that should be cake hole?)! About the time of my diagnosis, I suddenly developed a major allergy towards bananas, was this something that could be put down to M.S, I have no idea but for as long as I could remember, I used to love them and anything that was banana flavoured, ice cream, milkshakes anything at all, I loved it. The reaction, that seemed to happen totally out of the blue, caused me to be violently sick, gave me incredible stomach pains, believe me, it was nasty! Out of ignorance to the Unwelcome Visitor who was about to make an appearance, I tried to persevere with them for a while but always had the same result, so I just stopped eating them and that particular problem stopped, or so I thought! A few months later and yours truly went to hell in a hand cart and I was diagnosed with M.S and as I have blogged about since, I was out of action for almost a year! During that time, especially in the early days, my Doctor would prescribe to me these multi-vitamin milkshakes, loaded full of all of the nutrients and vitamins, that hopefully would help my body regain some of the weight that I had lost and generally help to build me up again. They came in a variety of flavours and had the consistency of plaster but if they were supposed to do me good, I was game and so I had a good go with all of them, except one, banana flavour! This gave me the same reaction as normal bananas, it went in and it duly came back up again, so we decided to leave that one out and just stick to all of the other flavours. For a start you needed 'industrial strength suction power' because they were so thick and the straws were so bloody thin, they must have been crammed full of all of the goodness that the laboratory could cram into that little box but I'm sorry, they all tasted the same to me! I know they were supposed to help with my recovery but I ended up hating them with a passion and I remember pleading with my wife not to get them anymore!! Even to this day, I am not keen on milkshakes of any kind, I admit, I do have a problem with them, I think they scare me!
Other things that I once enjoyed that have since been consigned to the bin are Lucozade(glucose drinks of any kind)! For nearly six months of 2000, I was permanently sick, so I drank the stuff to get rid of the horrible taste that was always present, bottles, cans, whatever. When I began to improve health-wise and the vomiting stopped, I grew to hate the taste of Lucozade and even to this day, I can't touch it, now work that one out! Then I went on to 'sparkling' mineral water, the same thing I suppose, I drank so much of it, I just grew to hate it and nowadays, I just drink the water that comes out of the tap and it is free! With the hostile reaction to some food and drink came a bit of a change in general to my palette and once again, I cannot confirm or deny if the changes were due to M.S! One change was that I became a lover of most beans and pulses, this was all new to me because I was a sod for pushing them around my plate, almost child-like I suppose but now things were starting to change. I started to like them and even ask for them when my wife went shopping, broad beans, butter beans, chick peas, haricot beans, you name it, in a tin in a sauce, mixed, I did not worry, I just knew that I had started to like them! I remember reading somewhere that beans and pulses were good for the central nervous system, probably had a dream about it but whatever, so I just thought, bring them on, if they grew in the ground or came out of a tin, bung them on my plate. I must emphasize that I had not gone veggie and I was still very much a carnivore, that's what God gave us teeth for, right?
I am a big 'soup' eater, or should that be drinker? I have always liked most flavours and because it was easy to prepare, I had it very often. On one of my many day's when I was unable to keep anything down, all I fancied was a mug of soup, chicken on this occasion. It gave me a similar reaction that bananas had caused, total wipe-out, horrible to say the least and since that day, chicken soup has been off the menu, now that's a strange one because in all the movies, mama's chicken soup cures everything!! One of the other things that I knew were good for me was 'oily fish', omega 3 and all that! Tuna I liked, in a sandwich or in a salad, that's cool, I can do that not a problem and I started to eat more and more, in brine, in springwater, olive oil, sunflower oil, whatever, if Castrol had bred their own tuna I would have had it, tuna in GTX, hmmm! However, must have been tuna overload and I soon got sick of the sight and smell of the stuff and it was then that someone told me that their was more than one 'oily' fish in the sea, so I tried sardines, herring and mackerel, even kippers I tried all sorts but at the end of the day if I eat some fish that has bones in it, I would gag and I would be put off straight away! I suppose I'm just a cod and chips kid of guy, tastes good but does not necessarily do you good! I drive my wife crazy because she loves fish in general and is forever trying to get me to eat it ,bless her.
It must be said that I do however have a varied diet, I can't be good all of the time, lets face it, you have to spit this devil called M.S in the eye now and again but on the whole I do eat well, my wife see's to that and she does not want me to be a fat man with M.S now does she and when you are not as active as you once were, it is so easy to pile on the pounds if you are not careful!
These past few years I have also developed a liking of red wine, in fact I love it but before diagnosis I never touched the stuff, in fact I hated it, I was ( and still am) a Guinness man! Like everybody, I had heard that a regular glass of red wine was very good for you, good for the brain so they say and my old man would swear by it! One Christmas I was given a bottle of red as a gift, at first I reluctantly tried a glass, then another and ended up polishing off the whole bottle, I think I was maybe feeling sorry for myself at the time! From that day, I grew to love the stuff, don't know about it being good for the brain but it's good for me as a person, a glass of red, some good company, a good film or C.D and I am very happy, occasionally pissed but happy!
Another of my weakness's is black coffee, the stronger and blacker the better, none of that decaf stuff either, got to be the real deal, full blown rocket fuel! Although it must be said that I have cut down a lot lately and because of this, I am now having a much better nights sleep! I was drinking so much of the stuff, I was no longer getting that caffeine buzz anymore, or at least I never noticed, had I just become immune to it, who know's! Then during one of my weekly visits to the Therapy Centre, I was talking to Carrie one of the Holistic Therapists (try saying that after a couple of glasses of red!!) and she said that after one of my Bowen Therapy sessions, perhaps I should lay off the coffee for the rest of the day. I did this and much to my surprise, I had no major 'withdrawal'of any kind, so I decided to cut down on my intake there and then! Since then, my sleeping has become so much better, I'm not like a coiled spring quite so often and when I do have a cup of Joe now, I limit myself to two or three mugs a day and I really enjoy it more, so good result there then!
The changes that happen to you and your body through diagnosis, do unwittingly do you some good I suppose! Another change that has happened recently to me is to drink more tea of various types. Perhaps I should say, try, different types and I still prefer a good old fashioned cup of Rosy-Lee and two or three (usually more) chocolate digestives thrown in for good measure! Now because of me cutting back on my coffee intake, I had started to drink more and more cups of tea and after much research, asking family and friends, I did look into the possibility of 'fruit teas'! Now according to the boxes, there are lots of flavours to choose from but to me, they all look, smell and indeed taste the same. I did have a go but just could not get on with them, so I tried chamomile, mint, peppermint and green tea, you name it and I tried it but I always found that they needed flavouring with lemon, this was because I always found them bitter or simply just too bland and I never put sugar in my tea anyway! Then someone at work suggested I should try Redbush tea(or Roibush tea), which I did and at first was not too keen, it is very much an acquired taste but eventually I did get used to it and really began to enjoy it, it contains no caffeine or tannin so it is good for you on all fronts. So I say to anyone who asks, give it a go, persevere with it and who knows, you may start to really like it, I know I did!
Like so many things you have to adapt to with M.S, your food and drink tastes can be greatly affected and unfortunately this is never of your choosing, far from it, as we all know, M.S calls the shots, so you have to sit up and take notice! If certain things make you feel bad, no point in persevering for too long, move on to something else, it's frustrating of course but that's what M.S does but these changes can and do open up a lot of new opportunities for your taste buds, so in another way, you have got one over on M.S, and that is such a good feeling, don't you think !
Sunday 23 February 2014
Sunday 16 February 2014
An Unwelcome Visitor Chapter.9
Turning your anger into humour and your tears to laughter!
There are two emotions that we all go through, anger and sadness, part and parcel with having M.S I suppose, one comes from frustration, usually with yourself and the other is sadness at the loss of the person you used to be! A lovely lady said to me once, in my case and I would think for many others too, it amounts to a kind of grieving, not necessarily feeling sorry for yourself, just acknowledging that something dear to me, has gone forever, the old me! As we must all be aware, we can all be angry for so long before people start to think that you are that miserable sod and they will avoid being in your company of at all costs! Who can blame them, we all have our shit to deal with but it is fundamentally unfair to inflict yours onto others, of course it is but it is so easy and indeed, tempting in some cases to do just that! In my case and I am sure I am not alone, it was anger at others for just being well I suppose, being fit and healthy but not just that, I was so angry at them for still having the ability to choose what they wanted to do with their lives! By this I mean they could do whatever, whenever and with whoever, as and when they felt like it but I could not! Obviously this is not true, I can, like so many of us MS'rs, do anything I want, whenever I want and with whoever I want, obviously as long as it is legal, whose to stop me! It's all down to knowing your limitations, working within those parameters, it takes a bit of practice, getting the balance right, the main thing is getting the right balance for you! There are many MS'rs who run marathons, climb mountains, bungee jump, even go white water rafting for Christs sake!! They may feel like shit at the end of it but they have still been able to choose! If you feel like you want to do something in your own way, in your own time, there is nothing that can stop you, only 'you' at the end of the day that's all! The boost to you psychologically is enormous, does not matter what you have done, how you did it and more importantly, how long it took you, who the hell cares, just remember at the end of the day, you are doing it for you, it is a personal thing, you should let nobody dictate, how, when and why!
One thing we should all do is not to take things too seriously, there is ultimately no point whatsoever, obviously there are some things that have to be dealt with that require a certain amount of respect and sensibility, of course there are but not everything! Look, we are the only ones who know how we feel, some of us MS'rs are far worse than others on the outside and no explanation is needed for the disabilities that some have to live with each and everyday, others have to deal with things that are not so visible, I include myself in that category and these are not so easy to explain to others, just because you LOOK okay, as we all know, it certainly does not mean that you FEEL okay! Even now, some people just do not know how to take me, I suppose I can be a bit too flippant at times, especially when people try and tell me about M.S, I can't help it, some people out there think they know all about it, or they think they know someone who has got it, I have even had people say they new someone who USED to have it! Some of what they know is accurate but some is way off, I often find myself explaining to people, ' it's not like flu which you get over, it's a condition that has no cure', then you get all of the usual responses like, 'well you look alright, are you sure you have got that'? I get fed up with having to put people straight, I mean no harm by it, I am an open book, what you see is what you get. I will always try to explain if asked, I have no real problem with that but I am prone to take the Mickey, not the piss you understand and I firmly believe there is a definite difference between the two! I suppose it is just a way of me handling my problem that's all!
There were times when I would hide behind M.S as my excuse not to do certain things, not to go to certain places but then one day, I just thought, look mate you're not getting any younger and there are people who are a lot younger than you, who have M.S and they are doing as much as they can with their lives, so what the hell is your problem!! Actually, I could do this, I could do that and more besides, so I just had to lighten up, take stock of my life before I became a right miserable old bastard, it is all out there for the taking, it's up to me if I want it or not! It's not a case of throwing all caution to the wind, I'm not that stupid but nowadays I tend not to think too hard about the things that I want to do, I suppose I am taking back all of the things that I have chosen to avoid all these years! It is purely my own fault and I admit that but I have let too many years fly past and by Christ they certainly do, I was forty when I was diagnosed and now I'm almost fifty four, I know I can never recover those lost years but I'm going to do more with my life from now on that's for sure. Number one on my bucket list is that I intend to visit Laurel Canyon just up the road from Sunset Strip in L.A, I want to buy a couple of bottles of red wine from the village store, find a nice spot to sit down, pour a couple of glasses, take out my trusty ukelele and play for a while, chill for a while and smile a lot, probably get arrested for vagrancy or something but who cares! This has been a dream of mine for a long, long time but it's a dream that was shelved for too long because of a certain Unwelcome Guest that turned up one day and decided to stay! Well, guess what my friend, you are going to come to, no way are you going to stop me from fulfilling my dreams anymore, we have just renewed our passports and they are in the post, I have vowed to overcome my fear of flying, so M.S, you are coming with me too, live with it!
I am now meeting up with fellow MS'rs on a regular basis and the interaction, simply just talking with others, I am finding so rewarding, I ask questions about other people, how they deal with M.S. I am being asked about my life and how I deal with M.S, something that never occurred to me for a second was of any interest to others! Unlike before, if anyone wishes to ask me anything, I am more than willing to talk for England!
Did I mention that I fell the other day! Stepping backwards down from a small ladder, I thought I was on the floor but I had one more step to go and I stumbled but because I was so intent on keeping hold of the piece of wood I was holding, I crashed into a table and then into a dresser! It hurt, Christ it hurt but I laughed because I had remained upright, I had not dropped the piece of wood, now in my book, that is an achievement and unlike before, I mentioned this to people, this in itself is a very rare thing for me to do! If ever I used to do things, fall, trip or whatever and if nobody was there to witness the incident, I would never have dreamed of telling anyone but this time I did and for me doing that is a HUGE thing to do, believe me! Is that another step closer to me coming to terms with M.S, I don't know, the jury is out on that one but I did not bottle it up, let it fester inside, I fell, so what, I am so proud of myself for remaining virtually upright and not letting go of the piece of wood. Sounds crazy I know but in my book, it's almost like a 'badge of honour' and it made me smile, no, it made me laugh, at myself!!
If anyone wants to get in touch with me for a chat, no problem, just leave a comment on the blog and I will get back to you.
Turning your anger into humour and your tears to laughter!
There are two emotions that we all go through, anger and sadness, part and parcel with having M.S I suppose, one comes from frustration, usually with yourself and the other is sadness at the loss of the person you used to be! A lovely lady said to me once, in my case and I would think for many others too, it amounts to a kind of grieving, not necessarily feeling sorry for yourself, just acknowledging that something dear to me, has gone forever, the old me! As we must all be aware, we can all be angry for so long before people start to think that you are that miserable sod and they will avoid being in your company of at all costs! Who can blame them, we all have our shit to deal with but it is fundamentally unfair to inflict yours onto others, of course it is but it is so easy and indeed, tempting in some cases to do just that! In my case and I am sure I am not alone, it was anger at others for just being well I suppose, being fit and healthy but not just that, I was so angry at them for still having the ability to choose what they wanted to do with their lives! By this I mean they could do whatever, whenever and with whoever, as and when they felt like it but I could not! Obviously this is not true, I can, like so many of us MS'rs, do anything I want, whenever I want and with whoever I want, obviously as long as it is legal, whose to stop me! It's all down to knowing your limitations, working within those parameters, it takes a bit of practice, getting the balance right, the main thing is getting the right balance for you! There are many MS'rs who run marathons, climb mountains, bungee jump, even go white water rafting for Christs sake!! They may feel like shit at the end of it but they have still been able to choose! If you feel like you want to do something in your own way, in your own time, there is nothing that can stop you, only 'you' at the end of the day that's all! The boost to you psychologically is enormous, does not matter what you have done, how you did it and more importantly, how long it took you, who the hell cares, just remember at the end of the day, you are doing it for you, it is a personal thing, you should let nobody dictate, how, when and why!
One thing we should all do is not to take things too seriously, there is ultimately no point whatsoever, obviously there are some things that have to be dealt with that require a certain amount of respect and sensibility, of course there are but not everything! Look, we are the only ones who know how we feel, some of us MS'rs are far worse than others on the outside and no explanation is needed for the disabilities that some have to live with each and everyday, others have to deal with things that are not so visible, I include myself in that category and these are not so easy to explain to others, just because you LOOK okay, as we all know, it certainly does not mean that you FEEL okay! Even now, some people just do not know how to take me, I suppose I can be a bit too flippant at times, especially when people try and tell me about M.S, I can't help it, some people out there think they know all about it, or they think they know someone who has got it, I have even had people say they new someone who USED to have it! Some of what they know is accurate but some is way off, I often find myself explaining to people, ' it's not like flu which you get over, it's a condition that has no cure', then you get all of the usual responses like, 'well you look alright, are you sure you have got that'? I get fed up with having to put people straight, I mean no harm by it, I am an open book, what you see is what you get. I will always try to explain if asked, I have no real problem with that but I am prone to take the Mickey, not the piss you understand and I firmly believe there is a definite difference between the two! I suppose it is just a way of me handling my problem that's all!
There were times when I would hide behind M.S as my excuse not to do certain things, not to go to certain places but then one day, I just thought, look mate you're not getting any younger and there are people who are a lot younger than you, who have M.S and they are doing as much as they can with their lives, so what the hell is your problem!! Actually, I could do this, I could do that and more besides, so I just had to lighten up, take stock of my life before I became a right miserable old bastard, it is all out there for the taking, it's up to me if I want it or not! It's not a case of throwing all caution to the wind, I'm not that stupid but nowadays I tend not to think too hard about the things that I want to do, I suppose I am taking back all of the things that I have chosen to avoid all these years! It is purely my own fault and I admit that but I have let too many years fly past and by Christ they certainly do, I was forty when I was diagnosed and now I'm almost fifty four, I know I can never recover those lost years but I'm going to do more with my life from now on that's for sure. Number one on my bucket list is that I intend to visit Laurel Canyon just up the road from Sunset Strip in L.A, I want to buy a couple of bottles of red wine from the village store, find a nice spot to sit down, pour a couple of glasses, take out my trusty ukelele and play for a while, chill for a while and smile a lot, probably get arrested for vagrancy or something but who cares! This has been a dream of mine for a long, long time but it's a dream that was shelved for too long because of a certain Unwelcome Guest that turned up one day and decided to stay! Well, guess what my friend, you are going to come to, no way are you going to stop me from fulfilling my dreams anymore, we have just renewed our passports and they are in the post, I have vowed to overcome my fear of flying, so M.S, you are coming with me too, live with it!
I am now meeting up with fellow MS'rs on a regular basis and the interaction, simply just talking with others, I am finding so rewarding, I ask questions about other people, how they deal with M.S. I am being asked about my life and how I deal with M.S, something that never occurred to me for a second was of any interest to others! Unlike before, if anyone wishes to ask me anything, I am more than willing to talk for England!
Did I mention that I fell the other day! Stepping backwards down from a small ladder, I thought I was on the floor but I had one more step to go and I stumbled but because I was so intent on keeping hold of the piece of wood I was holding, I crashed into a table and then into a dresser! It hurt, Christ it hurt but I laughed because I had remained upright, I had not dropped the piece of wood, now in my book, that is an achievement and unlike before, I mentioned this to people, this in itself is a very rare thing for me to do! If ever I used to do things, fall, trip or whatever and if nobody was there to witness the incident, I would never have dreamed of telling anyone but this time I did and for me doing that is a HUGE thing to do, believe me! Is that another step closer to me coming to terms with M.S, I don't know, the jury is out on that one but I did not bottle it up, let it fester inside, I fell, so what, I am so proud of myself for remaining virtually upright and not letting go of the piece of wood. Sounds crazy I know but in my book, it's almost like a 'badge of honour' and it made me smile, no, it made me laugh, at myself!!
If anyone wants to get in touch with me for a chat, no problem, just leave a comment on the blog and I will get back to you.
Monday 10 February 2014
An Unwelcome Visit - Chapter. 8:-
No More Excuses, go for it!
I don't know what it was or what prompted me to visit the Swindon Therapy Centre last summer, I think that I must have made a subconscious decision earlier in the year! As I have said in previous blogs, I have, until recently chosen to deal with MS in my own way, a choice which I stuck to for many years and even though I was well aware of the existence of the Centre, I did almost go out of my way to avoid visiting it! Now, I would be the first person to admit that I was so wrong about that choice but for nearly thirteen years, I thought that I knew best and I needed no help from anyone or any MS organisation for that matter. As I have now also stated in previous blogs, I did need help, I could not tackle this mountain on my own and it was taking it's toll on me as a person! I have in recent months, gradually started to seek out all of the help, in whatever form it takes, to help me deal with it and more importantly to me, start to meet and mix with fellow MS'rs!
It was my wife who saw an announcement in the local newspaper that mentioned the open day that the Centre was going to be holding and it was her who said that I should go! At first I was, as usual, pretty reluctant and I made all manner of excuses not to go but she kept on at me and eventually, she won and I conceded defeat. So I decided I was going to go and at first, I thought that we were both going at first but she said that it would be a good idea that I went on my own and see what it was like, no outside pressure and the decision to stay or not, would be mine and mine alone. Anyway, the Open Day finally arrived and I left home with no idea on what awaited me there and even when I arrived and started looking for a parking space, I very nearly turned around and left! It must have been written in the stars or something because I decided to stay but I don't mind admitting that I was so nervous walking into that building and it must have shown on my face that day! I walked in and was asked to sign the register and became immediately aware of the noise, in particular, laughter, not that it shouldn't have been a happy place, it's just that I did not know what sort of a place it was going to be! Thinking back, I must have looked such a twat walking in, I must have looked at every single notice board, read every single notice, looked at every display and poster, picked up one of every leaflet, I did everything possible to avoid making eye contact with anyone! For the first ten minutes I was there, I did a lot of looking around, not in a nosy way you understand, I suppose it was all 'fact-finding', mentally comparing notes if you like, however I soon had this overwhelming feeling come over me of being thought of and indeed looked upon as a bit of a fraud! For the first time in thirteen years I had never been in a place with so many members of this unique club of ours(MS), some in wheelchairs, some on scooters or with walkers and some with a cane and then there was me, walking around unaided, admittedly, I was hurting inside, my head was tight and my legs were aching like crazy but I was still walking about! I knew that I had been that bad before, I could relate to what was going on, I had been through the ringer but the people at the Centre did not know that, after all, it is not as if I was wearing a T-Shirt or carrying a banner that announced my arrival. I should imagine those who even noticed me, probably thought that I was just a member of Joe Public who was just being nosy! It was then that I met Jackie Wray who is the manager of the Centre, she had seen me from a distance, sticking out like a sore thumb and she came over and introduced herself to me and vice-verca, she asked about me and I gave a brief history of myself and why I had finally come to the Centre and she was so welcoming to me and soon I began to relax, so my apologies to Jackie for boring her stupid! She told me all about what the Centre is, what it does and what it can offer, she showed me around, the gym and fitness room, the various treatment rooms and then to the Oxygen Chamber. If I were to be honest, I had heard a lot about the Oxygen Chamber, quite a mixed response, some had said it worked for them, others were still undecided and some say that they have yet to feel any benefit from it. Me, I cannot comment because I have yet to experience what it can offer, i'll get back to you on that one! My first impression upon seeing the Chamber was that it had come straight out of a Science Fiction film, lots of dials and gauges, pipework and monitors, I half expected Jackie to introduce me to the resident scientist, " this is Mr Cousteau but just call him Jacques!
The most powerful impression I got about the Centre was that it was such a positive place, a place that gave you the impression that you were amongst friends. At the time I knew nothing about anyone, they knew nothing about me, I suppose it was a blank page for us both, in hindsight, what better way to start! I remember being stopped in the corridor by a young lady in a wheelchair who offered me a plate of doughnuts and all I could think of to say was 'no thanks, got to think of my figure', 'that's ok she said' as she charged off down the corridor! She must have thought that I was such a twat! What a dumb arsed thing to say to her in the first place, I should have introduced myself to her, so a bit late as per bloody usual but I'm Martin, how has your week been and I will have one of those doughnuts please!
The fitness room/gym has all manner of apparatus on offer, cycling machines, rowing machines, you name it and is was there. One thing that I saw and watched with great interest was a Tia Chi session and I plan to have a go at that one day that's for sure! I was then told all about Reiki, a therapy that I had heard of but had never ever given a thought about for myself but was soon to discover the 'WOW' factor of it!! I was then introduced to Carrie, a lovely lady and the resident holistic therapist for the Centre and she told me all about The Bowen Technique. This is a therapy that she offers to all members of the centre and I would encourage anyone, correction, EVERYONE, to try this therapy! Before I had the taster session which lasted about twenty minutes or so, I was completely cynical about it, mainly because I had never heard of it, even when Carrie explained it to me, I must have conveyed this in my face! Up until then, I was the sort of person that would raise an eyebrow to anything that I considered a bit 'out there', against the norm, the sort of guy who would believe it when it jumped out and bit me on the arse! As soon as I laid face down on that table and Carrie started to perform her magic, or is it witchcraft......whatever, things most definitely started to happen, don't know what, at that time we did not say much, mainly because I was initially uneasy but that feeling went and was replaced by a feeling of what I can only describe as being a spectator inside my own body, I know it sounds crazy but it's true, who was watching my 'wonky' frame inside, gradually being put back to where it should be! Sounds weird I know but you must believe this 'dyed in the wool' sceptic, it does work and I have had more sessions since that day, I am a fan! As I always say about a lot of things, don't knock it until you have tried it!
I have been many times to the Centre since that day and I am so glad that that I have, after such a long time in the 'self imposed' wilderness that I had put myself in! Everyone I have met, whoever they are, are so friendly, everybody knows everybody, even though I only go on a Friday at the moment due to my work commitments, I feel like I am welcome, well I hope I am!
As all MS'rs know, stress is one of the regular challenges that we have to face and it is so easy for stress to take hold and one of the way's I have found out recently to combat it is to have an Indian Head Massage! This is a great way to help you to relax, in my case, it tends to make me talk a lot for some reason, sorry Carrie! Unfortunately, it does not stimulate hair growth, perhaps that is why I tend to talk a lot, in a vain attempt to entice my hair to grow, who knows but it is so relaxing! Another therapy that the Centre offers is Reiki! I think that I must have been a bit stressed out the day I had Reiki the first time, this was some time after that initial Open Day visit and I had forgotten all about it! Perhaps I had been having a bad week at work or something, I don't recall feeling that I was having any particular battle with my MS at that time, just feeling crap in general I suppose! As all MS'rs know, frustration and stress go hand in hand, it may be a relatively trivial thing that causes your frustration in the first place but it can eventually cause major stress! So, it was on one of my Friday visit's to see Carrie at the Centre, I was obviously stressed about something and she could see that, so she suggested Reiki to me. What the hell, anything that helps me to feel less wound up, I certainly needed something, I can remember being not a very nice person that week that's for sure! All I can remember is lying on the table face down to start with, then Carrie began manipulating an arm, then a shoulder, then my neck, my back, then my hips and right down to my ankle, then back up the other side, I am probably describing that all wrong but that is how it felt and within ten minutes, I was aware that I had fallen into what I can only describe as one of the most relaxed states I have EVER been in!! I would start to talk and my sentences would just drift off and then It felt like my whole body started to 'deflate' and I was starting to sink into the table, the tension was just leaving my whole body and I made no attempt to stop it, normally I would just hang on and on and not let go of my inner feelings! Up until then, I had a major job in relaxing, I just found it very hard to do, almost impossible as Carrie will testify but on this occasion, I was gone, the stress just left me! For me, this was a real turning point, I remember telling people about, what for me, was bloody monumental, I had finally, after years of trying, begun to relax and I will always be grateful to Carrie for showing to me that I could get rid of it, helping me to feel what has been missing from my life for all these years, just being stress-free and able to completely relax again, these Friday visits have shown me that I can do it, so a very special thank you to Carrie for helping me achieve this and helping to put me back together again!
So just from that initial visit last summer, a lot has happened to me that is so positive and has certainly helped me to deal with my MS, it can still get me down like everybody else and I am still a work in progress but I am definitely all the better for going there! I must offer a very special thank you to Jackie and all at the Swindon Therapy Centre, all of the new friends I have met because they have all helped me so much this past few months, more than they realize!
No More Excuses, go for it!
I don't know what it was or what prompted me to visit the Swindon Therapy Centre last summer, I think that I must have made a subconscious decision earlier in the year! As I have said in previous blogs, I have, until recently chosen to deal with MS in my own way, a choice which I stuck to for many years and even though I was well aware of the existence of the Centre, I did almost go out of my way to avoid visiting it! Now, I would be the first person to admit that I was so wrong about that choice but for nearly thirteen years, I thought that I knew best and I needed no help from anyone or any MS organisation for that matter. As I have now also stated in previous blogs, I did need help, I could not tackle this mountain on my own and it was taking it's toll on me as a person! I have in recent months, gradually started to seek out all of the help, in whatever form it takes, to help me deal with it and more importantly to me, start to meet and mix with fellow MS'rs!
It was my wife who saw an announcement in the local newspaper that mentioned the open day that the Centre was going to be holding and it was her who said that I should go! At first I was, as usual, pretty reluctant and I made all manner of excuses not to go but she kept on at me and eventually, she won and I conceded defeat. So I decided I was going to go and at first, I thought that we were both going at first but she said that it would be a good idea that I went on my own and see what it was like, no outside pressure and the decision to stay or not, would be mine and mine alone. Anyway, the Open Day finally arrived and I left home with no idea on what awaited me there and even when I arrived and started looking for a parking space, I very nearly turned around and left! It must have been written in the stars or something because I decided to stay but I don't mind admitting that I was so nervous walking into that building and it must have shown on my face that day! I walked in and was asked to sign the register and became immediately aware of the noise, in particular, laughter, not that it shouldn't have been a happy place, it's just that I did not know what sort of a place it was going to be! Thinking back, I must have looked such a twat walking in, I must have looked at every single notice board, read every single notice, looked at every display and poster, picked up one of every leaflet, I did everything possible to avoid making eye contact with anyone! For the first ten minutes I was there, I did a lot of looking around, not in a nosy way you understand, I suppose it was all 'fact-finding', mentally comparing notes if you like, however I soon had this overwhelming feeling come over me of being thought of and indeed looked upon as a bit of a fraud! For the first time in thirteen years I had never been in a place with so many members of this unique club of ours(MS), some in wheelchairs, some on scooters or with walkers and some with a cane and then there was me, walking around unaided, admittedly, I was hurting inside, my head was tight and my legs were aching like crazy but I was still walking about! I knew that I had been that bad before, I could relate to what was going on, I had been through the ringer but the people at the Centre did not know that, after all, it is not as if I was wearing a T-Shirt or carrying a banner that announced my arrival. I should imagine those who even noticed me, probably thought that I was just a member of Joe Public who was just being nosy! It was then that I met Jackie Wray who is the manager of the Centre, she had seen me from a distance, sticking out like a sore thumb and she came over and introduced herself to me and vice-verca, she asked about me and I gave a brief history of myself and why I had finally come to the Centre and she was so welcoming to me and soon I began to relax, so my apologies to Jackie for boring her stupid! She told me all about what the Centre is, what it does and what it can offer, she showed me around, the gym and fitness room, the various treatment rooms and then to the Oxygen Chamber. If I were to be honest, I had heard a lot about the Oxygen Chamber, quite a mixed response, some had said it worked for them, others were still undecided and some say that they have yet to feel any benefit from it. Me, I cannot comment because I have yet to experience what it can offer, i'll get back to you on that one! My first impression upon seeing the Chamber was that it had come straight out of a Science Fiction film, lots of dials and gauges, pipework and monitors, I half expected Jackie to introduce me to the resident scientist, " this is Mr Cousteau but just call him Jacques!
The most powerful impression I got about the Centre was that it was such a positive place, a place that gave you the impression that you were amongst friends. At the time I knew nothing about anyone, they knew nothing about me, I suppose it was a blank page for us both, in hindsight, what better way to start! I remember being stopped in the corridor by a young lady in a wheelchair who offered me a plate of doughnuts and all I could think of to say was 'no thanks, got to think of my figure', 'that's ok she said' as she charged off down the corridor! She must have thought that I was such a twat! What a dumb arsed thing to say to her in the first place, I should have introduced myself to her, so a bit late as per bloody usual but I'm Martin, how has your week been and I will have one of those doughnuts please!
The fitness room/gym has all manner of apparatus on offer, cycling machines, rowing machines, you name it and is was there. One thing that I saw and watched with great interest was a Tia Chi session and I plan to have a go at that one day that's for sure! I was then told all about Reiki, a therapy that I had heard of but had never ever given a thought about for myself but was soon to discover the 'WOW' factor of it!! I was then introduced to Carrie, a lovely lady and the resident holistic therapist for the Centre and she told me all about The Bowen Technique. This is a therapy that she offers to all members of the centre and I would encourage anyone, correction, EVERYONE, to try this therapy! Before I had the taster session which lasted about twenty minutes or so, I was completely cynical about it, mainly because I had never heard of it, even when Carrie explained it to me, I must have conveyed this in my face! Up until then, I was the sort of person that would raise an eyebrow to anything that I considered a bit 'out there', against the norm, the sort of guy who would believe it when it jumped out and bit me on the arse! As soon as I laid face down on that table and Carrie started to perform her magic, or is it witchcraft......whatever, things most definitely started to happen, don't know what, at that time we did not say much, mainly because I was initially uneasy but that feeling went and was replaced by a feeling of what I can only describe as being a spectator inside my own body, I know it sounds crazy but it's true, who was watching my 'wonky' frame inside, gradually being put back to where it should be! Sounds weird I know but you must believe this 'dyed in the wool' sceptic, it does work and I have had more sessions since that day, I am a fan! As I always say about a lot of things, don't knock it until you have tried it!
I have been many times to the Centre since that day and I am so glad that that I have, after such a long time in the 'self imposed' wilderness that I had put myself in! Everyone I have met, whoever they are, are so friendly, everybody knows everybody, even though I only go on a Friday at the moment due to my work commitments, I feel like I am welcome, well I hope I am!
As all MS'rs know, stress is one of the regular challenges that we have to face and it is so easy for stress to take hold and one of the way's I have found out recently to combat it is to have an Indian Head Massage! This is a great way to help you to relax, in my case, it tends to make me talk a lot for some reason, sorry Carrie! Unfortunately, it does not stimulate hair growth, perhaps that is why I tend to talk a lot, in a vain attempt to entice my hair to grow, who knows but it is so relaxing! Another therapy that the Centre offers is Reiki! I think that I must have been a bit stressed out the day I had Reiki the first time, this was some time after that initial Open Day visit and I had forgotten all about it! Perhaps I had been having a bad week at work or something, I don't recall feeling that I was having any particular battle with my MS at that time, just feeling crap in general I suppose! As all MS'rs know, frustration and stress go hand in hand, it may be a relatively trivial thing that causes your frustration in the first place but it can eventually cause major stress! So, it was on one of my Friday visit's to see Carrie at the Centre, I was obviously stressed about something and she could see that, so she suggested Reiki to me. What the hell, anything that helps me to feel less wound up, I certainly needed something, I can remember being not a very nice person that week that's for sure! All I can remember is lying on the table face down to start with, then Carrie began manipulating an arm, then a shoulder, then my neck, my back, then my hips and right down to my ankle, then back up the other side, I am probably describing that all wrong but that is how it felt and within ten minutes, I was aware that I had fallen into what I can only describe as one of the most relaxed states I have EVER been in!! I would start to talk and my sentences would just drift off and then It felt like my whole body started to 'deflate' and I was starting to sink into the table, the tension was just leaving my whole body and I made no attempt to stop it, normally I would just hang on and on and not let go of my inner feelings! Up until then, I had a major job in relaxing, I just found it very hard to do, almost impossible as Carrie will testify but on this occasion, I was gone, the stress just left me! For me, this was a real turning point, I remember telling people about, what for me, was bloody monumental, I had finally, after years of trying, begun to relax and I will always be grateful to Carrie for showing to me that I could get rid of it, helping me to feel what has been missing from my life for all these years, just being stress-free and able to completely relax again, these Friday visits have shown me that I can do it, so a very special thank you to Carrie for helping me achieve this and helping to put me back together again!
So just from that initial visit last summer, a lot has happened to me that is so positive and has certainly helped me to deal with my MS, it can still get me down like everybody else and I am still a work in progress but I am definitely all the better for going there! I must offer a very special thank you to Jackie and all at the Swindon Therapy Centre, all of the new friends I have met because they have all helped me so much this past few months, more than they realize!
Saturday 1 February 2014
An Unwelcome Visitor: Chapter :7
'What the hell am I going to talk about?'
Around the turn of 2008, I had very reluctantly decided that counselling was the next step I was going to take! To be honest, there were a lot of people who cared enough about me that noticed too many changes going on around me, changes that were making me, at times, very prone to mood swings and choosing to be on my own a lot. This could be as simple as taking a longer journey home from work, staying longer at work, just being left alone in general! I played a lot of PlayStation games, usually shoot 'em ups, or war games, at the time I just thought they were fun but really, deep down, they were a format for the anger and frustration to come pouring out of me! My wife would, unknown to me, watch me playing these games and it used to upset her watching my face contort into anger and almost rage sometimes and if I lost, many times the handset would go flying across the room. I must point out that I have never vented any of my anger on my loved ones or on anyone for that matter, good god no, my wife would just wait till I was asleep and beat me with a saucepan if I as much as raised a hand in temper and believe me she would do just that, no question!! It was my wife who first suggested that I needed help, help in being able to deal with my 'MS' life and facing up to these mood swings I was having which were, in a nutshell, destroying me as a person. I of course initially refuted all of these suggestions, 'I'm ok, I'm just having a bad day, i'll be alright later on, that would be my most common response. That's as maybe but, Ladies and Gentlemen, there is only so far and so long you can try to blag your way through life before something has to give!
It was the HR Department along with the Occupational Health Department at work that told me all about the counselling that the Company could offer me. I was in such denial back then, I just said that it was nice to know and maybe I would take up the offer. It took me quite a few months to convince myself, admitting that my wife was right all along was almost as tough, most men would agree I'm sure, that is such a hard thing to do, admitting that your wife is right about anything is so hard to deal with at the best of times, us men, naturally, we know everything don't we, yeah right! The day came when I finally decided to go for it, what the hell, as long as it was to be kept a secret, just a 'select' few were to know, let's do this thing!
I can still remember thinking to myself, even on the day of my first session, what am I going to talk about? Will it be a man or woman, will they be old, will they already know about me in advance, will they even know what MS is, I really can't be arsed about explaining the in's and out's! All manner of things were going around and around in my head, I even wondered if I would be lying down on a couch, bloody hope not because I know I would just fall asleep! All of these thoughts were just racing around in my head, so much so, I very nearly bottled out at the last minute!! Anyway, I arrived at the Medical Centre at work, was met by the Company Nurse, who luckily I knew very well and she asked me to wait in one of the consulting rooms, as she left me there, I can remember her turning and telling me not to worry and with a friendly wink she said I was doing the right thing! While I was waiting, I could feel the anxiety in me start to rise and I was just about to make a quick getaway, when suddenly this very softly spoken female voice called to me, 'you must be Martin', oh Christ this is it! Remember the 10cc song 'I'm Mandy Fly Me' I don't know why but that came into my head for some reason and then she introduced herself and came and sat opposite me! An awkward moment ensued, I did not know what to say, I did not even know when to say it, was I supposed to go first, was I supposed to listen first , I had no idea, obviously, this was a totally normal response from someone like myself who was way, way, way out of their comfort zone! I can remember starting by saying to her, 'what do you know about me'? She shook her head and said ' I know nothing, I want you to tell me!' Why should she know about me, I remember thinking, I'm just a normal bloke who has got a bit of a problem, so I just thought, fuck it, here we go, if I remember correctly, my first words to her were 'sorry to bother you but..... I think I need some help......please'!
Now over this past six years or so, this lady has helped me to face a lot of my demons and Christ I certainly had some baggage, I have said things to her, I have told her things about myself that I have never said or even dreamed of saying to other people, about my life before MS and what MS has done to me, how I had allowed MS to change me from the nice bloke that I was, into the person I would not like to be friends with! During those hour long sessions that lasted for six weeks at a time, she has helped me to deal with my MS, to face it, to stand up to it, basically to take stock of the hand that I have been dealt with! It took a long time but with her patience and my determination, she taught me, first and foremost to start to like myself again, that I did not have to live a life of pretense, I did not have to put on an act, I have nothing to prove to anyone, if I was having a shitty day, so what, if it was taking longer to do things, so what, if my walking was bad or my speech was crap, whatever, these were not a reason for me to beat myself up about, just because these issues happened from time to time, it was no reason to think that they made me a worse person!
The whole experience to me has been such a positive one, it has shown me a way to face the problems that I have caused to myself, it has taught me not to be so angry, not to be bitter and twisted so often! I would be a liar if I were to say that I have finally 'accepted' MS, although I am almost there, I don't think that I will ever accept it 100% but I am certainly closer than I was, no question of that. Just being given the ability to delve deep into your soul, to be able to release those inner thoughts, until that moment happens, you just do not realize how messed up you are! I used to think I was spouting any old rubbish during these sessions, probably because, certainly at first, I was not even sure I wanted to be there. Being sat opposite this lady who, at that time, unknown to me, was helping me to be less inhibited about myself and all the time, was allowing me to release all of this pent up anger and bitterness! These weekly sessions could at times, be very funny, even under these 'conditions' I was still a cheeky bugger, can't help that, they would be very insightful to me and they could also be very hard hitting and emotional! I'm not embarrassed to say that a box of tissues was pushed in front of me on many occasions and it was not because I had a runny nose that's for sure! It took a couple of years of mostly highs and a few lows thrown into the mix for the old Martin to start showing up again, the cocky sod, the cheeky git, the Martin who liked a laugh, the bloke who would talk to anybody about anything and everything, the Martin that I suppose I always was, the Martin who people liked to be with, the Martin who went missing for such a long time, far too long!
If I were to be asked now, I would recommend EVERYONE who has MS, who has a major problem dealing with it, coming to terms with it and without doubt, accepting it, if you can and it is offered to you, please consider counselling, you will ultimately feel so much better for it, I know I have. We all bottle things up inside, from the very small things to the very big, all these things will cause you to lead such a shitty life of pretense and if you don't find a means of releasing that pent up pressure, things will just get worse and worse for you and the longer you leave it, the harder it will be to get back but believe me, YOU CAN DO IT!!!
The next chapter explains about my first steps in approaching Swindon Therapy Centre and it's profound effect on me!
'What the hell am I going to talk about?'
Around the turn of 2008, I had very reluctantly decided that counselling was the next step I was going to take! To be honest, there were a lot of people who cared enough about me that noticed too many changes going on around me, changes that were making me, at times, very prone to mood swings and choosing to be on my own a lot. This could be as simple as taking a longer journey home from work, staying longer at work, just being left alone in general! I played a lot of PlayStation games, usually shoot 'em ups, or war games, at the time I just thought they were fun but really, deep down, they were a format for the anger and frustration to come pouring out of me! My wife would, unknown to me, watch me playing these games and it used to upset her watching my face contort into anger and almost rage sometimes and if I lost, many times the handset would go flying across the room. I must point out that I have never vented any of my anger on my loved ones or on anyone for that matter, good god no, my wife would just wait till I was asleep and beat me with a saucepan if I as much as raised a hand in temper and believe me she would do just that, no question!! It was my wife who first suggested that I needed help, help in being able to deal with my 'MS' life and facing up to these mood swings I was having which were, in a nutshell, destroying me as a person. I of course initially refuted all of these suggestions, 'I'm ok, I'm just having a bad day, i'll be alright later on, that would be my most common response. That's as maybe but, Ladies and Gentlemen, there is only so far and so long you can try to blag your way through life before something has to give!
It was the HR Department along with the Occupational Health Department at work that told me all about the counselling that the Company could offer me. I was in such denial back then, I just said that it was nice to know and maybe I would take up the offer. It took me quite a few months to convince myself, admitting that my wife was right all along was almost as tough, most men would agree I'm sure, that is such a hard thing to do, admitting that your wife is right about anything is so hard to deal with at the best of times, us men, naturally, we know everything don't we, yeah right! The day came when I finally decided to go for it, what the hell, as long as it was to be kept a secret, just a 'select' few were to know, let's do this thing!
I can still remember thinking to myself, even on the day of my first session, what am I going to talk about? Will it be a man or woman, will they be old, will they already know about me in advance, will they even know what MS is, I really can't be arsed about explaining the in's and out's! All manner of things were going around and around in my head, I even wondered if I would be lying down on a couch, bloody hope not because I know I would just fall asleep! All of these thoughts were just racing around in my head, so much so, I very nearly bottled out at the last minute!! Anyway, I arrived at the Medical Centre at work, was met by the Company Nurse, who luckily I knew very well and she asked me to wait in one of the consulting rooms, as she left me there, I can remember her turning and telling me not to worry and with a friendly wink she said I was doing the right thing! While I was waiting, I could feel the anxiety in me start to rise and I was just about to make a quick getaway, when suddenly this very softly spoken female voice called to me, 'you must be Martin', oh Christ this is it! Remember the 10cc song 'I'm Mandy Fly Me' I don't know why but that came into my head for some reason and then she introduced herself and came and sat opposite me! An awkward moment ensued, I did not know what to say, I did not even know when to say it, was I supposed to go first, was I supposed to listen first , I had no idea, obviously, this was a totally normal response from someone like myself who was way, way, way out of their comfort zone! I can remember starting by saying to her, 'what do you know about me'? She shook her head and said ' I know nothing, I want you to tell me!' Why should she know about me, I remember thinking, I'm just a normal bloke who has got a bit of a problem, so I just thought, fuck it, here we go, if I remember correctly, my first words to her were 'sorry to bother you but..... I think I need some help......please'!
Now over this past six years or so, this lady has helped me to face a lot of my demons and Christ I certainly had some baggage, I have said things to her, I have told her things about myself that I have never said or even dreamed of saying to other people, about my life before MS and what MS has done to me, how I had allowed MS to change me from the nice bloke that I was, into the person I would not like to be friends with! During those hour long sessions that lasted for six weeks at a time, she has helped me to deal with my MS, to face it, to stand up to it, basically to take stock of the hand that I have been dealt with! It took a long time but with her patience and my determination, she taught me, first and foremost to start to like myself again, that I did not have to live a life of pretense, I did not have to put on an act, I have nothing to prove to anyone, if I was having a shitty day, so what, if it was taking longer to do things, so what, if my walking was bad or my speech was crap, whatever, these were not a reason for me to beat myself up about, just because these issues happened from time to time, it was no reason to think that they made me a worse person!
The whole experience to me has been such a positive one, it has shown me a way to face the problems that I have caused to myself, it has taught me not to be so angry, not to be bitter and twisted so often! I would be a liar if I were to say that I have finally 'accepted' MS, although I am almost there, I don't think that I will ever accept it 100% but I am certainly closer than I was, no question of that. Just being given the ability to delve deep into your soul, to be able to release those inner thoughts, until that moment happens, you just do not realize how messed up you are! I used to think I was spouting any old rubbish during these sessions, probably because, certainly at first, I was not even sure I wanted to be there. Being sat opposite this lady who, at that time, unknown to me, was helping me to be less inhibited about myself and all the time, was allowing me to release all of this pent up anger and bitterness! These weekly sessions could at times, be very funny, even under these 'conditions' I was still a cheeky bugger, can't help that, they would be very insightful to me and they could also be very hard hitting and emotional! I'm not embarrassed to say that a box of tissues was pushed in front of me on many occasions and it was not because I had a runny nose that's for sure! It took a couple of years of mostly highs and a few lows thrown into the mix for the old Martin to start showing up again, the cocky sod, the cheeky git, the Martin who liked a laugh, the bloke who would talk to anybody about anything and everything, the Martin that I suppose I always was, the Martin who people liked to be with, the Martin who went missing for such a long time, far too long!
If I were to be asked now, I would recommend EVERYONE who has MS, who has a major problem dealing with it, coming to terms with it and without doubt, accepting it, if you can and it is offered to you, please consider counselling, you will ultimately feel so much better for it, I know I have. We all bottle things up inside, from the very small things to the very big, all these things will cause you to lead such a shitty life of pretense and if you don't find a means of releasing that pent up pressure, things will just get worse and worse for you and the longer you leave it, the harder it will be to get back but believe me, YOU CAN DO IT!!!
The next chapter explains about my first steps in approaching Swindon Therapy Centre and it's profound effect on me!
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