An unwelcome Visitor. (The Conclusion)
None of us like this 'Bastard Thing', none of us like what it has done to us as individuals, more to the point, what it's possibly going to do? You can't predict what is going to pan out for you, so we have to like it or not, take each day as it comes! Not an easy thing to do at the best of times, especially in my own case, but obviously, my own story is far from unique and there must be plenty of you out there who have a tale to tell!
As it is well documented, it is no friend of mine, it never was and I am afraid I don't think it ever it will be. This mutual hatred is what has kept me going this long, of that I am in no doubt but recently perhaps, even I have started to mellow shall we say, not crumple, heaven forbid, just mellow a bit!
Let me explain:-
Recently at work I met a young man, purely in a heterosexual way you understand (and anyone under 50, to me is young!) we were having a good chat, putting the world to rights and then the subject of lazy shits who make a habit out of swinging the lead entered our conversation. We were yakking about people at work, a very large workforce it has to be said, I come into contact with all forms of human life during my working day and then we threw the net wider and ended up talking about people of that ilk in general not just at work. Both of us agreed that there are some people who just get away with murder; these are the rotten bastards who spoil things for people that really need help. We laughed and became angry at pretty much the same things, you must understand that we had never met before but we just seemed to be getting on I suppose, there was some really good rapport between the two of us. We were just about to finish having our chat and he just stopped and said to me,
"There are people that really piss you off aren't there"
"Ain't that the truth, especially the bad back and snotty nose brigade" I replied'
He stared at me for a few minutes and then said
"are you that guy who writes a blog about M.S? ... you are aren't you...you are Martin aren't you?"
I was a bit taken aback for a second, was his attitude towards me going to change? I immediately became defensive, not one of my best qualities and then just thought, what the hell, he seems a genuine enough guy so I replied that I was the very same and much to my surprise he then held out his hand to me and said that it was nice to meet me and then he just came out and said,
"We are in the same boat, I've got M.S too!" A bit of a strange one, I was not too sure how to respond and on a rare occasion in my life, but as crazy as it sounds, I was genuinely pleased that I was no longer the 'only' one at work, it felt like after all these years, I could share my burden with somebody who knew what the fuck it felt like!! It turns out that he had visited Occupational Health at work and although my name was not mentioned, he was aware that there was someone else within the company who had M.S and that that person wrote a blog. More often than not, it is someone's wife or brother or sister, or they know somebody who knows somebody, that type of thing but never before have I come face to face with a colleague!
As I have said so many times before, I am SO judgmental about others especially when it comes to M.S but on this occasion almost at the same time, we both said how well we both looked! He had not been diagnosed as long as I and he was not sure what form of this 'Bastard Thing' he had and he was still waiting confirmation. He then said he liked my blog, and he laughed that I sound in 'real life' as I come across in this blog, I think that was a compliment, but I apologized for my 'choice' language and I thanked him and then we proceeded to 'compare notes'. I have only seen him a couple of times after that initial meeting, and I recently heard from a colleague that he has transferred back to our main assembly plant in Oxford but, the point I am making is this, he is dealing with it in a brilliant way, carrying on with his life, running marathons for fucks sake, he goes to a gym and he keeps himself fit, don't you just hate that, he may have his share of demons but he seemed to be a forward thinking guy and he keeps the 'negatives' well hidden!
Coming face to face with another M.S'r like him, especially in a work context, has made me think. He is making the
most of a bad deal like me, but unlike me, he appeared not to be an angry,
cynical person, or at least not 'openly', I am a nice guy I really am but I could be better and I don't want to let
this thing hold me back any longer, I suppose he is just an OK Dude like me!
Now more than ever, I have come into contact with other 'club members' on more or less a weekly basis and unlike me, virtually all have in some way shape or form, accepted having M.S! Some have almost straight from the outset, some when it was obvious that their own symptoms were getting worse each time they had an episode, but all had decided that they had no choice and so acceptance for them was a lot easier to deal with. This is an issue that has often made me look deep within and question myself. How would I be if I allowed myself to 'come to terms' and yes, even go as far as to accept this Bastard thing! Now that my friends is a tough one to answer, If I had come to terms with it, would I be better at dealing with it, don't know, would I be a different person to the one I am now, who knows. My wife thinks that I would be a nicer person, not that I am a total shit but perhaps more like I used to be. I know that I would not be so hard on myself, perhaps I would not be continually questioning the way I do things, the way I deal with certain issues, the way I am with some people. She is forever telling me that until I fully accept it, I will remain an angry on the inside, I suppose I am still very much an angry and a bitter person.
Of course, she is right on
both of these things, but just scratch away at those layers and you will find
sadness too. It is the sadness that I don't like having to deal with, I don’t
like facing it, I don’t like having to, I know life will never be as it was, I
certainly can't put it right but ultimately it is me that is in charge of the
person that everybody else sees! There are times, thankfully when I am on my
own, the sadness really hits me even now and it can be so fucking 'crushing', usually with a glass of red in my hand,
meeting a person, lyrics to a song or words from a book, could be anything, fortunately
the feeling does not last too long, but I am guilty of sometimes wallowing in
it, being on occasion a bit too morose.
I admire those that have faced up to and indeed been strong enough to ‘accept’ their lot. Even to this day, I still feel that I am not quite a fully paid up member, even after all these years! Probably because I am still able to work full time, maybe because I manage to keep a lot of M.S symptoms at bay, some of it is dealt with by some of the medication I take, maybe my 'stubbornness ' is a great help too, I think so, maybe the men in 'white coats' think otherwise, but hey, what the hell do they know!
However, would I be in a different place if I had accepted the diagnosis all those years ago, I just don't know and probably never will? I still have feelings of guilt, should I be more active in the M.S world, should I engage myself more with M.S? The truth is, although I have met some lovely people in the last couple of years and I am SO lucky to communicate on a special kind of level with them, please don’t misunderstand me, I don’t wish to get all hippy-trippy on your arses but I speak and email with some beautiful 'kindred spirits', an Angel, a Fairy and the odd Witch or two (yes that is what I said, keep up for Christ's sake!) they know who they are, they are special to me and I cherish their friendship. I am nowadays very comfortable with those friends of mine that just 'happen' to have M.S. who will talk about other things as well as M.S, they don't want to be talking about this 'Bastard Thing' ALL the time, and neither do I, I don't want to read about it ALL of the time and neither do they.
Now more than ever, I have come into contact with other 'club members' on more or less a weekly basis and unlike me, virtually all have in some way shape or form, accepted having M.S! Some have almost straight from the outset, some when it was obvious that their own symptoms were getting worse each time they had an episode, but all had decided that they had no choice and so acceptance for them was a lot easier to deal with. This is an issue that has often made me look deep within and question myself. How would I be if I allowed myself to 'come to terms' and yes, even go as far as to accept this Bastard thing! Now that my friends is a tough one to answer, If I had come to terms with it, would I be better at dealing with it, don't know, would I be a different person to the one I am now, who knows. My wife thinks that I would be a nicer person, not that I am a total shit but perhaps more like I used to be. I know that I would not be so hard on myself, perhaps I would not be continually questioning the way I do things, the way I deal with certain issues, the way I am with some people. She is forever telling me that until I fully accept it, I will remain an angry on the inside, I suppose I am still very much an angry and a bitter person.
I admire those that have faced up to and indeed been strong enough to ‘accept’ their lot. Even to this day, I still feel that I am not quite a fully paid up member, even after all these years! Probably because I am still able to work full time, maybe because I manage to keep a lot of M.S symptoms at bay, some of it is dealt with by some of the medication I take, maybe my 'stubbornness ' is a great help too, I think so, maybe the men in 'white coats' think otherwise, but hey, what the hell do they know!
However, would I be in a different place if I had accepted the diagnosis all those years ago, I just don't know and probably never will? I still have feelings of guilt, should I be more active in the M.S world, should I engage myself more with M.S? The truth is, although I have met some lovely people in the last couple of years and I am SO lucky to communicate on a special kind of level with them, please don’t misunderstand me, I don’t wish to get all hippy-trippy on your arses but I speak and email with some beautiful 'kindred spirits', an Angel, a Fairy and the odd Witch or two (yes that is what I said, keep up for Christ's sake!) they know who they are, they are special to me and I cherish their friendship. I am nowadays very comfortable with those friends of mine that just 'happen' to have M.S. who will talk about other things as well as M.S, they don't want to be talking about this 'Bastard Thing' ALL the time, and neither do I, I don't want to read about it ALL of the time and neither do they.
I know that, without doubt,
allowing myself to mix with other MS'rs was one of the best things I did, I
needed to, it helped me to come to terms with so much, by no means all but for
helping me to step over that line, I will always be truly grateful. One of the
best things I have ever done is to do this Blog, to be able to unload some of
my bullshit onto you guys, laying open my soul and hopefully sharing part of my
journey with 'This Bastard Thing'. The feedback has been truly humbling and if
my tale has helped in some way, you are truly welcome.
So, after a great deal of thought, I have decided that 'the Unwelcome Visitor' is with me forever and my story has now come to a kind of conclusion, it's not a case of me throwing in the towel, I am certainly not giving in to it, no chance of that happening but I shall 'bite' this particular bullet for better or worse, and just try and get the balance right.
The next time I visit M.S via the medium of 'blogging', who knows, it could be to let the world know that I have at long last been called upon by a 'WELCOME visitor'!
Right then, plenty of other stuff I want to blog about and when you 'blog' it's a bit like having itchy eyes, you've just got to rub 'em!...and my other alter-ego, 'Sleep That Burns' has got plenty to blog about, so I shall still be about !
So, I wish you all well, thanks for joining me along the way these past couple of years, don't forget to question everything that the 'white coats' tell you, make sure you keep drinking plenty of water and Red wine, don't forget the Red wine, 'cos it is good for you....oh yeah, and make sure that you keep 'spitting this devil in the eye' at every possible chance you get.
So, after a great deal of thought, I have decided that 'the Unwelcome Visitor' is with me forever and my story has now come to a kind of conclusion, it's not a case of me throwing in the towel, I am certainly not giving in to it, no chance of that happening but I shall 'bite' this particular bullet for better or worse, and just try and get the balance right.
The next time I visit M.S via the medium of 'blogging', who knows, it could be to let the world know that I have at long last been called upon by a 'WELCOME visitor'!
Right then, plenty of other stuff I want to blog about and when you 'blog' it's a bit like having itchy eyes, you've just got to rub 'em!...and my other alter-ego, 'Sleep That Burns' has got plenty to blog about, so I shall still be about !
So, I wish you all well, thanks for joining me along the way these past couple of years, don't forget to question everything that the 'white coats' tell you, make sure you keep drinking plenty of water and Red wine, don't forget the Red wine, 'cos it is good for you....oh yeah, and make sure that you keep 'spitting this devil in the eye' at every possible chance you get.
'Bombs Away Dream
Babies' XX
(Doc Martin has left the building.....)
