An Unwelcome Visitor: Chapter 24

'There are other things to deal with, to face up to, we are not immune, at the end of the day there are other shitty things in life, not just M.S !!

             Having M.S is bad enough, sure there are a lot of things that are just as nasty as this Bastard Thing but having to deal with M.S and the effects of M.S on a daily basis, tends to make us 'blinkered' about all of the other illness's and conditions out there!  I know that on a personal level, I do tend to be very 'dismissive' of all of that other 'stuff' out there, I am very selfish I suppose in that respect, if it does not affect me in anyway, if it does not make it to my radar screen, sorry but I'm not interested, the game I play is far too complex for me to find time to deal with anything else!  

                                Now, when I look back on what I have just written, when I really 'analyse' it, should I be ashamed of myself, should I 'expect' people to think that I am a selfish Bastard, now that my friends, is a poser if ever there was one! Well firstly, this is as you would expect, purely a brief summary on myself, let's get that straight from the start! I am in no way ashamed of myself and I hope people don't think that I am selfish either because I am fundamentally none of the aforementioned! I don't 'think' that other M.S'rs think this of me either, probably why I feel comfortable in their company, why I can talk about this Bastard Thing to them easier than I can to 'non-members'! Maybe it's a bit of jealousy on my part is the main reason, don't know but if you are fit and able and life for you is a breeze, then don't bounce your problems off my ass! 

             I don't know but it is part of my 'character' that I have now 'morphed' into and I must be honest, there have been times when I have had appointments with Doctors and other 'white-coats' and there have been occasions when, although I have never said it but I have certainly thought it, 'you don't REALLY know what it's like', they obviously know more than me from a 'technical or text book' point of view but they don't know how I/we 'really' feel and I am sure that sometimes,  this has come through in my eyes during the various meetings I have had with them!  For the record, I can't help it, I'm aware of it, I don't like it but that is just the way I am, the way I have become, so that gives you some idea why I hate this fucking thing so much!

  

....................so therefore, I CAN think this way!

 ................should I,  should we?  what the hell for, I've done nothing wrong and we have done nothing wrong, maybe had an opinion that I/we have voiced but that is all!

                        Both of these issues, trains of thought if you will, are the way I still tend to be very dismissive, perhaps too dismissive when they are presented to me, they have been 'touched' on in previous blogs that I have posted and I do wish that somehow, I could, at least begin to think differently!  As hard as I try, I still find it incredibly hard to be sympathetic to someone else's problems, it may be health, personal, just day to day stuff but to anyone who comes at me with any problem that I consider to be not worthy of a well constructed response, that is when I do have difficulty, I do feel awkward and I do try to get out of certain situations, rather than face them because I know I might come across, not exactly hostile but certainly, sometimes uncaring! This is a part of my character that I do not like, I have very little control over and I suppose it is certainly not a image of the 'real' me, fortunately my closest friends and family, those that knew me before are ok with it and slap me down when it happens.  I know that some people still find it hard to talk to me about M.S in general , they find it awkward, they never know what is the right or wrong way to take it on,  just by me referring to M.S as this 'Bastard Thing' freaks them out and I'm sure they think it is 'listening' when I refer to it by that name!  Yea right, as if it is listening to me anyway, it worked it's magic on my ass fourteen years ago and fucked off pretty sharpish, so do I feel ashamed for referring to it by it's real name (to me anyway), should I refer to it as that 'nasty little disease' that came for a while and oh yeah, decided to hang about for a bit longer!  Well my friends, you can call it what you want but I shall shout it from the rooftops, for to me it will always be known as this 'Bastard Thing', my chosen name for it!

..............am 'I' evil, am 'I'!!!  When it comes to you M.S, you had better believe it!

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My main subject matter this week is how do you deal with any other illness that may affect you ,'apart' from M.S, when you are faced with it , how do you deal with it, how do you feel when it happens, is it something you can 'switch' your attention to easily?

Maybe like others, I do tend not to think about any other ailment that sometimes you have to deal with, in anything like the same way as the BIG one, as I have said before on numerous occasions, M.S does tend to make you, correction, 'demand' that you give all or most of your attention to it and everything else is purely secondary! However, none of us are immune or exempt, call it what you will, from getting any other 'major' ailment and that is why there is a certain amount of 'surprise'  when other things do come knocking at your door.  As I will explain, this has happened to me recently and apart from being un-prepared for it, I was a bit shocked and dismayed, I have M.S, what the hell is going on!!! 

             As I have said, this past two weeks I have endured 'gall-stones', for the second time in three years and man that is painful, I mean 'REALLY' painful!!!  Those that have had it will know exactly what I mean, bent double, excruciating, the worst ever, I mean a 'don't know what to do with yourself' kind of pain!  You get put on painkillers that make you 'SO' constipated they might just as well have super-glued your ass up! I just could not go, it was too painful for a start and so some serious action had to be taken!!  I have been eating fruit by the lorry load, prunes, apricots, I am a veritable 'market garden', I have been drinking water by the gallon, prune juice, pure orange juice, doing all of the things that I am supposed to do.......although I have not tried dynamite yet?

....................I think my wife wonders what I am fussing about, she say's I am full of shit anyway!!

............I am not well, I am very uncomfortable but when I am better, you just say that to my face!!!

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       All the while this has been going on, I have been dealing with the pain, the discomfort of these wonderful little jewels of delight, the ones that we call gall-stones !!  I know you ladies out there are thinking, 'what's he moaning about, he should try giving birth'!! Agreed, but I'm a guy, moaning is what we do, we are good at it, especially when it hurts like hell!!!

Funny thing is, during all of the pain, I have not given a thought to, or had reason to for that matter, the Bastard Thing, strange, my mind has been otherwise engaged, so all of my thoughts, all of my concentration has been aimed elsewhere!!

Personally, I think it is a good thing, my mind has been pre-occupied with the pain I'm going through with the gall-stones, that for the moment at least, M.S, you lose, I have to live with you twenty four seven, this 'temporary pain' is a 'newbie' and it has pushed you into second place, live with it!!  One consolation, gall-stones is going to go, albeit eventually, however, M.S is going to be around for a while, so it wins again, it always fucking wins!

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Just goes to show us that there are more things out there that have a power and the capacity to really screw you up and there are things that, especially in my case recently, HURT, things that have made me realize so much yet again, that I am as far as M.S is concerned anyway, a very lucky sod!  I won't go as far as to say that my M.S is a breeze, far from it but compared to a lot, I am pretty OK!  So when I am hit with any other ailment, I like to think that I suffer in silence, well, on a 'lower' volume than usual anyway, especially when I am around my fellow M.S'rs !

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         During these past two weeks of 'enforced' timeout, there have been times when a feeling of 'deja vu' has been creeping in.  I know that the reasons are totally different and the outcome is going to be in my favour, I am returning to work on Monday and back to a life of relative 'normality', so I have not got too much to complain about!  However, when I think back all those years, it was in the summertime that I was first stuck down with this Bastard Thing and it was during the summer months that I spent so many hours, days and months wondering what the fuck was going on, was I ever going to come out of the other side, so you must forgive me for having a few 'quiet' moments for reflection!  Two totally different problems 'medically' but both give very similar mind sets, believe me, my strength of character has pulled me along but there have been a few moments where a form of self pity has started to creep it's way in and if it wasn't for the help of my wife, kicking me up the ass and sheer 'pig-headedness' on my part, it would have been so easy to start to wallow in self pity!!

As tough as it is, you have got to keep going, I know it is tiring, I know it is hard but I have to keep going at it, I can't let this Bastard Thing make 'me' never want to take it on, make 'me' want to lie down and let it trample the shit out of 'me', I can't and I won't!!

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IT'S UP TO YOU,THE CHOICE IS YOURS!

(just a poem that came to me whilst sat on the loo, a flash in the pan if you will!!  Don't worry I have washed my hands!!)

OK, so you know what it is, no turning back now, it's with you for the long haul, live with it!

It 'aint gonna kill you, well not this type anyway,

So just make do and mend, adapt and diversify!

Well excuse me, that's easy for them to say, their life stay's pretty much the same,

I don't see them stumbling with their feet, I don't hear them stumbling over their words, they are not forever tired, they don't need to pee for what seems like every five minutes!

Oh no, their lives are all ship shape and Bristol fashion, they are just fine and dandy, thanks very much!

Wait just a minute, it 'aint their fault, of course it's not, it's nobodies fault, they did not give this Bastard Thing to you, far from it, 
They only want to help you!

So just sit back and take stock, 
If help is there, if help is offered, 
Take it, be glad to accept it, if it is practical, then use it, 
If it is for company, then grab it, 
If it is just a listening ear, then bend it!

You, me and we need not go through this alone, 
There are no excuses to be alone, 
For this is your new life, 
One not chosen by you, You can shape it and mould it
Into what suits you, you will soon learn for yourself,
That there is no point in hanging onto what was,
 Your life now is all about what is and how it will become, 
That is your choice and yours alone,
You can wallow or you can move on as best that you can.
The thing to remember, at the end of the day, you are still here, 
As tough as it is, you are still here!
 We may not think so but things could be so much worse, 
We may think we have all the right in the world to complain, 
To moan, to kick off big time but wait just a minute
  Take a good look around, look, observe and study things and all  Of the problems of others, will soon become clear,
Your things appear to be bad, your things do look like shit 
.......but your life could be a whole lot worse and that is something to always remember,
In the grand scheme of things, in the Poker game of life,
Through all of the trouble and all of the strife, you 'aint got it so bad really,
 For you,life is sometimes tough but it could be a whole lot tougher!

Well my friends,  I have gone through the mill this past two weeks, something I would not recommend that's for sure  but as I have said, it puts life into some sort of perspective and I suppose, when I really stop and work it out, I am grateful for situations like this when they do come along!  When they happen, firstly I think, c'mon,  I don't need anything else to contend with, then I look at the bigger picture and  realize there is ALWAYS somebody worse off than me, so Doc', just you shut the fuck up and stop complaining!

Until next time when I should be back to being the same old miserable but oh so nice bloke you have come to expect, so just you all keep well and keep on spitting this devil in the eye. 

Bombs away dream babies. XX