An Unwelcome Visitor: Chapter 31
SEX, Me and this 'Bastard Thing'!
*****************************
Now I would bet a month's wages that was a headline that grabbed your attention, I think I am right... yes, right then, I shall begin. Like most men, I look upon sex as an integral part of life, perfectly normal, enjoyable, that goes without saying, and with marriage, something that with time, that union becomes like a fine bottle of wine, you hope it get's better with age and in our case it certainly did, this must be the same for a lot of couples/marriages but then you don't bargain for an 'extra' guest thrown into the mix (or perhaps you do hahaha!).
In the early day's of D/X, sex is the last thing on your mind obviously, there are significantly more 'important' things for you to deal with, like walking for a start and in my case, to stop vomiting and getting my balance back, Christ, imagine me walking towards you back in the day, sexy fucker or what!!!! Within time, things started to 'stabilize' and the normal feelings gradually came back, ok, so there have been many hurdles, highs and lows and although nothing like it used to be at first, that particular obstacle in my life, our lives, was dealt with, physically, mentally and emotionally.
However, this part of my life has had some very low points and it severely dented my pride and without doubt, my ego along with my self esteem and as I have said, this caused some moments that have made me seriously worry not only about the physical issues going on in my life but the mental and emotional issues too. There have been times since the 'Bastard Thing' came to stay when I have not only felt no physical desire towards my wife and I am sure that went back at me from her too, even the ability to love, the mental capacity to love, not just to be able to 'make love' but to feel love, to express my/our love, my true feelings towards her and her towards me! As I have so often said before, you do become very, if not selfish then very single-minded, your caring starts and ends with you, I wanted to get better, I wanted to return to work, in a nutshell, Me, Myself and I, I was a man on a very personal mission!
Once things started to return, it was then that I had to fight like hell to get the other stuff back, this is something that I have fought tooth and nail to get back and this is one of the most difficult things that I have faced, probably because it was such an important part of my life in the first place and to have it taken from me in such a cruel way, was so hard for me to come to terms with. Rightly or wrongly, thinking of myself as a man who would, was now having to think of himself as a man who did not know if he ever could!
This was such a frightening prospect to me and strangely, especially to other people perhaps, this was top of my priorities, this and getting back to work, crazy I know but that's just the way it was! Now I don't want you to think that I was some kind of 'super stud ' or anything, that is far from the truth, no, just an ordinary guy with normal, natural urges/feelings.
In more recent years some of the medication that I was taking didn't help me at all and it did cause me a lot of concern and worry for a few weeks as I have mentioned before. Erectile dysfunction is a very scary thing to happen to any man, especially when you have no idea why! I mistakenly put that down to M.S alone, I never dreamed that the medication which was on the one hand, helping me but on the other was causing me so much worry and anguish! During those few weeks, looking back on it, I was probably becoming depressed, not that I would admit to that at the time but when you already feel like a man who has been kicked to the ground, the turmoil that causes is bad enough but when my manhood had quite literally been stopped in it's tracks, well, I felt worthless, I felt ugly, undesirable! For a man who was in his early forties at that time, I had almost resigned myself to shutting up shop on anything that was even remotely sexual in my life, that was it, it has been fun but that's it!!
Well, I suppose I could have taken up stamp collecting or maybe knitting, I believe a lot of men do that sort of thing...oh shit!! Ok so it's a man thing but if I were to be totally, 100% honest, this has caused some of my darkest moments, the simple fact of not knowing, was it me, was it this 'Bastard Thing' , was it an age thing! I knew that I still wanted to have sex, I knew that I still found my wife attractive but what was wrong, had I turned gay, no, I still found women far more attractive than any hairy arsed guy that's for sure but what was it, what was going wrong with me!
Having said all of this to you guy's, I have still to pick up and read one of the many leaflets that there are available regarding Sex and M.S, perhaps it's just because things are now alright. Perhaps they should be referred to as 'brochures' instead, yeah that's it, a brochure, or even manuals with glossy pictures and it comes in a brown envelope in the post! Sorry if that offends but I have to laugh about it, or maybe I just don't want to have to give it too much thought, not just yet anyway!
In the early day's of D/X, sex is the last thing on your mind obviously, there are significantly more 'important' things for you to deal with, like walking for a start and in my case, to stop vomiting and getting my balance back, Christ, imagine me walking towards you back in the day, sexy fucker or what!!!! Within time, things started to 'stabilize' and the normal feelings gradually came back, ok, so there have been many hurdles, highs and lows and although nothing like it used to be at first, that particular obstacle in my life, our lives, was dealt with, physically, mentally and emotionally.
However, this part of my life has had some very low points and it severely dented my pride and without doubt, my ego along with my self esteem and as I have said, this caused some moments that have made me seriously worry not only about the physical issues going on in my life but the mental and emotional issues too. There have been times since the 'Bastard Thing' came to stay when I have not only felt no physical desire towards my wife and I am sure that went back at me from her too, even the ability to love, the mental capacity to love, not just to be able to 'make love' but to feel love, to express my/our love, my true feelings towards her and her towards me! As I have so often said before, you do become very, if not selfish then very single-minded, your caring starts and ends with you, I wanted to get better, I wanted to return to work, in a nutshell, Me, Myself and I, I was a man on a very personal mission!
Once things started to return, it was then that I had to fight like hell to get the other stuff back, this is something that I have fought tooth and nail to get back and this is one of the most difficult things that I have faced, probably because it was such an important part of my life in the first place and to have it taken from me in such a cruel way, was so hard for me to come to terms with. Rightly or wrongly, thinking of myself as a man who would, was now having to think of himself as a man who did not know if he ever could!
This was such a frightening prospect to me and strangely, especially to other people perhaps, this was top of my priorities, this and getting back to work, crazy I know but that's just the way it was! Now I don't want you to think that I was some kind of 'super stud ' or anything, that is far from the truth, no, just an ordinary guy with normal, natural urges/feelings.
Well, I suppose I could have taken up stamp collecting or maybe knitting, I believe a lot of men do that sort of thing...oh shit!! Ok so it's a man thing but if I were to be totally, 100% honest, this has caused some of my darkest moments, the simple fact of not knowing, was it me, was it this 'Bastard Thing' , was it an age thing! I knew that I still wanted to have sex, I knew that I still found my wife attractive but what was wrong, had I turned gay, no, I still found women far more attractive than any hairy arsed guy that's for sure but what was it, what was going wrong with me!
Anyway a chat with my M.S Nurse, an appointment with my Doctor, a change to my medication and things gradually got back to normal, not the same but a fucking sight better than they had become, I began to feel like a man again. I know that with M.S, a man and a woman are dealt such a shitty hand anyway, of course I do, no question, sex and sexuality are certainly some of the parts of our lives that are going to be 'different', not as they were for sure and in some cases, for obvious reasons, the physical side of things ends and probably, in my case for sure, is why I hate this 'Bastard Thing' so much.
That may sound such a minor thing to worry about in the grand scheme of things and I bet there are some out there who are saying,"so what's your fucking problem", you're still alive aren't you, sex 'aint everything!, Well yes, agreed, very true and as the years advance, there are changes in how we perceive our sex lives to be anyway and I acknowledge that our sexual libido starts to diminish, M.S or not, that's just the way it is, that's just the way life is, that's what God invented the jig-saw puzzle for, to help us deal with those long, dark, sleepless nights for but I still make no apology for my feelings, this is the way I feel about it, sex is such an important part of most peoples lives, everyone has feelings, urges, both physical and mental, so when things start to change before we are ready, it is only natural that you will worry yourself stupid and that worry will only make matters worse for you and your partner/wife or husband! So I would plead with anybody out there, DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE, talk to your Doctor, talk to your M.S nurse, they may be able to help you and they have all had their embarrassment gene removed, so nothing phases them, NOTHING!!
That may sound such a minor thing to worry about in the grand scheme of things and I bet there are some out there who are saying,"so what's your fucking problem", you're still alive aren't you, sex 'aint everything!, Well yes, agreed, very true and as the years advance, there are changes in how we perceive our sex lives to be anyway and I acknowledge that our sexual libido starts to diminish, M.S or not, that's just the way it is, that's just the way life is, that's what God invented the jig-saw puzzle for, to help us deal with those long, dark, sleepless nights for but I still make no apology for my feelings, this is the way I feel about it, sex is such an important part of most peoples lives, everyone has feelings, urges, both physical and mental, so when things start to change before we are ready, it is only natural that you will worry yourself stupid and that worry will only make matters worse for you and your partner/wife or husband! So I would plead with anybody out there, DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE, talk to your Doctor, talk to your M.S nurse, they may be able to help you and they have all had their embarrassment gene removed, so nothing phases them, NOTHING!!
Having said all of this to you guy's, I have still to pick up and read one of the many leaflets that there are available regarding Sex and M.S, perhaps it's just because things are now alright. Perhaps they should be referred to as 'brochures' instead, yeah that's it, a brochure, or even manuals with glossy pictures and it comes in a brown envelope in the post! Sorry if that offends but I have to laugh about it, or maybe I just don't want to have to give it too much thought, not just yet anyway!
**************************
Anger and losing my temper (...or, If I feel lousy, don't go out of your way to wind me up, that's all I ask!)!
A couple of times lately, I have lost my temper and become very angry, each time, justifiably I must add! It has been at work thankfully and has always started off with a 'sly' dig at me, some shitty comment that I have taken exception to. I start my shift at work at 7-15 each morning and mornings are the time of day when it is probably the most obvious that there is something wrong with me, I am usually a bit 'wonky' shall we say and my limp is more pronounced, so you can imagine how I felt when a colleague referred to me as a 'gimpy twat'! First things first, he meant no harm by it, he thought he was just being funny and on any other day, I would have laughed along with him but on this occasion, I felt a crappy and I just let him have it, as politely as I could I exploded on him,
"just fuck off will you, if you felt like I do at the moment, you would be a gimpy twat too, dickhead" and I got the
"oooooooh, hark at you" treatment, which made me feel worse!
*******************
I will finish my blog this week with an opinion that is totally mine and as I'm sure that by now, you know I'm not a big fan of the 'white coats'and I hope this comes through to you all!
STATE YOUR MIND, LET'S FACE IT, IT IS YOURS!!!
As usual, the thoughts and ramblings within my blog are simply just my thoughts and not plucked from the M.S guide book and as I still have the mental capacity to think for myself, I reckon I shall always be this way! So until next time, be well, stay well and keep well and keep on spitting!
BOMBS AWAY DREAM BABIES. X
Anger and losing my temper (...or, If I feel lousy, don't go out of your way to wind me up, that's all I ask!)!
A couple of times lately, I have lost my temper and become very angry, each time, justifiably I must add! It has been at work thankfully and has always started off with a 'sly' dig at me, some shitty comment that I have taken exception to. I start my shift at work at 7-15 each morning and mornings are the time of day when it is probably the most obvious that there is something wrong with me, I am usually a bit 'wonky' shall we say and my limp is more pronounced, so you can imagine how I felt when a colleague referred to me as a 'gimpy twat'! First things first, he meant no harm by it, he thought he was just being funny and on any other day, I would have laughed along with him but on this occasion, I felt a crappy and I just let him have it, as politely as I could I exploded on him,
"just fuck off will you, if you felt like I do at the moment, you would be a gimpy twat too, dickhead" and I got the
"oooooooh, hark at you" treatment, which made me feel worse!
One of my co-workers could see that I was getting a bit over-heated and bless him, he took me away from the situation and dealt with the matter in hand, for which I am grateful. Later when I got home from work and over a cup of tea, replayed the story to my wife, she started to shake her head and said that I was such an idiot in letting the guy get to me, of course, she is so right! It is no point in making myself feel like shit just because a SHIT has got to me, of course it isn't but it is so hard to do, to turn the other cheek! Let's get one thing straight, I am not special, I don't deserve special treatment, perhaps I am still too sensitive on certain issues perhaps it's because I don't look like I have an incurable illness and I suppose I still have to retain a little bit of anger because I can't be a 'roll-over and take it ' kind of a guy, I used to be for sure, no question about that and we all know of people who will try and push you as far as they can, the trick I suppose is to not let them get to you in the first place.
*******************
I will finish my blog this week with an opinion that is totally mine and as I'm sure that by now, you know I'm not a big fan of the 'white coats'and I hope this comes through to you all!
DO NOT LET THE POWERS THAT BE PRESUME THAT THEY KNOW HOW YOU FEEL AND WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU! SAY HOW YOU FEEL, IF THINGS WORK FOR YOU, GREAT, LET THEM KNOW, ARGUE YOUR POINT IF NECESSARY IN THE STONGEST TERMS BUT ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS,
STATE YOUR MIND, LET'S FACE IT, IT IS YOURS!!!
As usual, the thoughts and ramblings within my blog are simply just my thoughts and not plucked from the M.S guide book and as I still have the mental capacity to think for myself, I reckon I shall always be this way! So until next time, be well, stay well and keep well and keep on spitting!
BOMBS AWAY DREAM BABIES. X
Great post about 2 Squeamish subjects. As a novice Nurse, I worked on a Neurology/ Male Urology unit. Sex is certainly on everyone's mind, at all ages, all genders. Especially when unattainable. Hard to talk about but worth discussing to reverse the reversible problems. Fast forward to being a nurse for 30 years, now with MS. I learned a term "MS rage" from a client's wife. Now I see it in myself in those scrambled brain moments. Have a great week and watch how much noise you have to filter. Your coworker with the rude mouth would be arrested in the US. He's in for bad karma. Step aside and watch how fast karma works. Pride goeth before a fall 😎
ReplyDeleteHi Mary, thankyou as always, despite my recent altercation, I did bump into the guy in my local supermarket recently, he was as nice as pie, perhaps it was because he was with his wife and me with mine! At the end of the day, life is too short for me to hold any grudges, I'm too nice a guy for any of that, it's tough at the time, of course, just got to learn to smile more, anyway, all is ok now. X
DeleteHear, hear! Two different medics with equally white coats can have two radically different solutions to offer to a single problem, so ultimately, who is most qualified to find the best path between them? You, the person whose body everybody's talking about! And speaking of bodies, I bow to your bravery discussing sexual dysfunction in MS -- early-mid 40s or even 50s is way too young to have to put up with that on top of everything else. I wish I didn't know quite so intimately (if you forgive the pun) what you're talking about. And I'm with Mary on that socially bankrupt coworker; I'd never have stood for it and neither should anyone! I hope she's right that he's in for some cosmic justice...
ReplyDeleteHey Doll, this blog was always going to be a toughy but I just had too broach the subject matter head on and be damned. I feel like I am now handling 'that' matter far better than I used to, like a lot of what this 'Bastard Thing' does to us, one of the biggest problems was me and how it screwed (no pun intended) around with my head and made me think the worst 'all' of the fucking time! Perhaps in a previous existence, I had been a really bad person and I was reaping a shit storm of bad karma (hahaha). Heyho, as I said to Mary, I'm a nice guy and nice guy's always come through in the end! XX
ReplyDelete