An Unwelcome Visitor   :-  Chapter 17

                                      Shit Happens!! 
                          The many faces of me and M.S!

            There are some days, some weeks even, when you just feel crap!  You don't know why, there is usually never a logical explanation for it, you just.....do!  There are as we all know, certain 'warning signs' that flash up to tell you this, in my case, my first indicators are my speech and my balance!  Stupidly, I still try and either ignore it or I just try and deny both of them to anyone that asks, sometimes I can blag my way out of it, although there are times, when there is just no point in lying anymore, your only kidding yourself anyway!  When this happens to me, we start with my diet, is it healthy enough, am I eating enough of the 'right' stuff, funny thing is, I 'always' think I am anyway, my wife has other ideas though, (told you before, she is a witch!) So, up goes the intake of greens and salads, cut out the biscuits, well... cut 'down' anyway, basically I just start to eat the good stuff, not always the stuff I like of course but plenty of pasta and chicken, cut down on the coffee, (any lower and it will be gone anyway!!) Then we start doing some more walking, get on the exercise bike, early nights help as well, try doing all in my power to keep this thing at arm's length!  It is just by my nature that I have to be on the go all the time and as I have said on numerous occasions, to relax, to unwind, to chill,  are art forms that I have still to master!  As we all know, when the tank is empty, it takes a while, a lot of effort and in my case, a lot of 'self discipline' to start to fill it back up! 

            You can only go so far when your energy supplies start to empty and I acknowledge this, the main problem is, knowing just how far and for how long, you can go before your body just say's no way Jose`!  So I have to watch out, as must we all, I know it has to be done every time, if I don't, I can't really moan about it can I, not when some of it, not all, is my fault anyway!  If only a cold pint of Guinness would see me right, I would be laughing (it is supposed to be good for you right!!)

Or could the secret to me feeling well be found in a glass of 'Red' perhaps, anyway, they both have a capacity to make me feel good and I'm sure my Doctor and even the ones that wear the white coats won't begrudge me the 'odd' glass now and again!

               As any MS'r knows only too well, there are many hours that you spend just thinking about your future, how long will this relapse last this time, will everything return as it was, what, however small  am I going to lose this time! All the things that you don't like to face but you are forced to because you have no choice, which incidentally is one of the shitty things about M.S,  you have no choice, it chooses for you!  It can be a very lonely time if you let it, so as hard as it is, we must try to be positive, to stay positive, think positive and remain so, God, don't you just hate that!!  I'm sure that all M.S'rs  just wish they could be negative just once in a while, so we never have 'alarm bells' go off at the slightest change to our health, behave like we used to, throw caution to the wind, just get up a bit later and things will be fine!  As we all know, that is easier said than done, in fact, it can't be done anymore, that is the trouble, we have to tow the line, we have to do as we are told or else!! Well, I am afraid that is something that I will NEVER get used to, I NEVER will and that is why I HATE and will always HATE M.S, does that make me a renegade, you bet your sweet ass, me and M.S are destined to NEVER get on!! Towing the line is such hard work , Christ it is hard but then again but  if Charles Lindbergh could fly the Atlantic on his own, not knowing if he would make it and to my knowledge, he didn't have  a chronic illness to contend with either, so there must be hope for us all, don't you think, yes, let's be 'hopeful' for a 'positive' outcome!

My attitude towards Religion since being diagnosed!

       This is something I was more, let's say 'thoughtful' about, in the very early days of me being diagnosed!  Religion has never played a big part in my life, I did my share of Sunday School, I was a boy scout and was a regular at Church parade every month, now that was only because I was becoming more aware and indeed interested in girls at that time of my life and boy scouts and girl guides would mix together and would start to even 'talk' to each other at church parade  back then! When I became ill the first time, I was looking for things to do, to fill the hours of mind numbing boredom in my days and there was a time, well numerous times, when I did think about religion and church!  I thought that there must be something they (the Church) could offer me that could 'lighten' my world and even on my many walks to get fit again, I almost stopped and went in my local church but I never got to the door each time! I don't know why, that desire, that need to go further, just was not there, I looked 'at' myself, I looked 'into' myself but perhaps that need just was not strong enough, I don't know! Or it may have been the 666 tattooed on the back of my neck, what do ya think!

                        My theory on this is that as I have said many, many times before, I wanted to deal with this wretched thing on my own, in my own way, no help from anyone and anyway, what's done is done,  no God is going to get rid of this thing, it was not God's fault that I got it in the first place!  Granted, religion in whatever form you choose to take it,  does help some people come to terms with it, it helps make them a less angry person perhaps, I don't know, whatever floats your boat, if it is good for you, that is great but I am afraid I still choose to remain on the other side of the door into God's house!  Before M.S, I managed my life very well and as the years have come and gone since, I still don't feel that I am missing out!  I am sorry if that makes me sound like an uncaring, arrogant or even horrible man, none of which I am and the way I feel about it is purely a personal thing, a 'very' personal thing, so please don't think ill of me!!

                              

 Have I become a 'spiritual' person since diagnosis?

             I think I have definitely become more 'spiritual' than 'religious', especially in more recent months!  Is there a difference, purely as far as I'm concerned anyway there is and there are things that I have become more aware of for sure! Six months ago, if someone had said to look inside myself and start to let go of my inner feelings, my inner turmoil, I would have probably told them to piss off, I can handle it, I don't need you to tell me where I am going wrong!!  As I have said in earlier chapters, I did need the help and I am so glad that I took it and as corny as it sounds, I saw the 'light',  the 'light' that 'I' have chosen! The hard work for me to do is to keep the bloody thing on and let myself believe that it is on for my benefit, it is helping me, I suppose it is just 'softening' my edges, lowering the 'barriers' that I have put up all around myself!!  Again, this is purely a personal thing and it is for me, very early days but very positive days at that and I would not dream of pushing my thoughts about anything on to anyone else, all I will say is that it works for me, so praise the lord, or whoever keeps turning that damn light on and off!!

The Seven faces of .....me dealing with my M.S!

HAPPY......I feel pretty good at the moment!

SAD...........It's come back again!

ANGRY.....I thought it had gone for a while, I was not expecting it to return, quite so soon!

SURPRISED..It's gone, thank Christ for that, things are looking up at last!

ALARMED....Give me a break, It's come back AGAIN, already!!

WORRIED.....I've not noticed that before!!

WHATEVER.....Fuck you M.S, do your worst, I'm a nice guy, people like nice guy's!  M.S, your a shit, nobody likes a shit!!

LIFE HAS TO GO ON!! 

AND IT WILL GO ON!! 'COS IT MUST GO ON!!  

GOT THAT, GOOD!!   Four strings, learn three chords that's all you really need and a multitude of songs is yours for the taking!

So until next time, I think I shall just 'spank' my Uke, such good therapy!!

'Bombs Away Dream Babies' gotta spit this devil in the eye now and then! XX