The demands put on your marriage, your children and your relationships!
As a married man I would be the first to acknowledge that maintaining a good marriage during these past thirteen years has not been a piece of cake, there are times when it has not been easy at all! In fact at times, it has been very difficult for both of us and also for my children too, on the other hand, it has been very emotional, rewarding and at times, very funny, but most importantly, very loving! When I was first diagnosed, so many things seemed to be hitting us from all directions, fear, confusion, anger and the all consuming sadness which was felt by us all not just me, although I did not realize at the time just how much it had impacted on my family! As I have said before, M.S is such a solitary condition and you can't help but become very selfish, I know I did and there is no point in denying it, I became a very selfish bastard, I was just too wrapped up in my own feelings to even notice the effect it was having on my wife and children! I would be a liar to say that, on occasion, things have got........a little tense at times, this is a normal state of affairs in most marriages but when M.S is thrown into the mix, well, that makes for a whole new ball game. So the point I am making is that the person with M.S that has their life turned on it's head is not the only one, it is the WHOLE family, their lives are also changed forever!
I would be the first to admit that it must be incredibly difficult for the 'other' partner, wife or husband, to deal with the devastation caused by M.S, it's not easy at all and there are plenty of marriages and partnerships that have gone tits up because of this, no question! Obviously, there are occasions when a marriage or relationship just cannot go on, try as you might, sometimes it just cannot be saved and it is best to just cut your losses and end it! Some people just change too much and I refer to both parties in this instance, the physical and mental strain that it causes is obviously just too great and with those two ingredients gone, the sexual and the loving elements must soon follow! You cannot blame anyone at all for being unable to carry on in a relationship that is devoid of any of these most basic of human feelings, so I firmly believe that there is no point in staying together only to end up hating each other! I am very fortunate, my marriage is pretty good, we have had our moments that's for sure and things have been put to the test from all of the above mentioned points but we have overcome them and thankfully, our marriage is good, taken a bit of work but good nonetheless!
We all need to have a person, wife, husband or partner who is someone who, will stick with us, who understands us, who knows the REAL person who occasionally gets lost in the fog of M.S! These people are so vital to us, we need them, it may be in the capacity of a carer, or just the loved one who is always there, either way, we need them and as I have said so many times before, this thing is not designed to be taken on alone, we need them, so cherish them!
When first diagnosed, my girls were six, eight and ten and so they were all very young, they knew something was wrong with their dad but not what was wrong with me! During the years since then, they have all in their way, become more aware of M.S, what it is all about and what it can do and they have all at some stage , asked me questions about it, which I have always tried to answer as best that I can. However, their lives were always far more important than mine and as long as they led a normal, happy and stable childhood, that was all that mattered to me!
As it is with anyone that lives in a predominantly 'female' household, things can get a bit wild and crazy at the best of times! This could be queue's for the bathroom to dealing with four lot's of periods each month, which as most men know can bring terror and venom that women are SO good at don't you think, well it certainly scares the hell out of me anyway!! This in no way makes me a misogynist, on the contrary, I love women, always have done but when it comes to the women in your own family, well, that is a whole different box of frogs to deal with!! That is probably why I tend to do a lot on my own, why I immerse myself into my record collection, why I crash about in my garage, why I lose myself in my P.C, lot's of solitary things like that, fortunately, these things are of no interest to my wife and girls! Now don't get me wrong, I love having my family around me but there are times when I need a break from them and them from me! Would I feel the same way if I didn't have M.S, maybe I would, maybe not, that is something that we will never know!!
I know for a fact that having three teenage girls in the house, has been at times, very stressful to me, my wife would disagree naturally and say that they are behaving perfectly normal, 'that's what teenagers do, even you were one once'! Now that the teenage years are nearly out of the way, only one left and she is eighteen, the other two are twenty one and twenty three respectively, so now they are young women in their own right but they will always be kids to me! I feel that I have to constantly make the point to them that I will make a great grandfather, so don't think too harsh of me, don't worry, things will get better, trust me! (as long as at least one of them gives me a grandson, so no pressure there then!!)
We have tried to keep as normal a household as we can throughout the past thirteen years but at times it has been incredibly difficult for me to maintain this without it having an impact of some sort on my health! Dealing with teenage angst is just one of those things that we all go through and indeed when we are parents later on, have to deal with and it is not easy, Christ it's not easy but it is perfectly normal! However, sometimes I find the demands of a teenage kid just something that I cannot deal with in a rational manner! I cannot deal with their problems and mine too, if that sounds selfish then I'm sorry but that's me and I am not ashamed to say that I am so glad that the teenage years are mostly behind me now but once again, it beggars the question, 'how would it have been without me having M.S'? and people still wonder why I HATE it so much even now and by CHRIST I certainly do! Anyway, rant over, I'm fine now!
I will be the first person to admit that I am able to deal with 'little kids' far easier than I can with 'bigger kids', my coping mechanism just upped and left me years ago I'm afraid! All through the baby and toddler years, I was a good dad, the best in their eyes and even my wife would say so! However, although I realize that there are some MS'rs out there who are more than able to cope with both, kids and M.S, without any problem at all. These people have my utmost respect and I really am envious of them but as hard as I try, it is just so difficult for me, sad but true! I do however, have a theory as to why this is the case and it is simply this. I am so lucky to be able to work, I can still get about unaided most of the time, sometimes probably not the best way for me, certainly in a way that is different from other M.S'rs and because I have still to fully 'accept' M.S, I have to carry on regardless, at all costs, that must sound so selfish, so cynical and I am sorry if it does but that is just the way 'I' do things. Due to me not being at peace with my M.S, I am still an angry man which in turn has made me on occasion, be an angry dad (by no means a nasty dad), what do they say, we all have our shit to deal with!! So nowadays, rather than get in a debate with a stroppy kid, I will just walk away from any potential row, usually end up making myself feel like shit in the process but it is better for me to do this, that is for sure! However, if it is a row or a debate with another adult, then I'm your man, perhaps kids have a way of unnerving me more than an adult, I just don't know but I would be a bloody good comrade to have in the trenches on the Somme!
I cannot and will not put the blame onto anybody else, it is nobody's fault, you were just dealt a pretty shitty had and unfortunately you can't trade it in for a new one either! I cannot expect my children or anyone for that matter to walk around on eggshells for my sake, now that would definitely not be normal in my book! On the other hand I find it so hard to be the one who should keep apologizing, if I was blatantly going out of my way to be a horrible git, sure, my fault, you have got me bang to rights but when you are not even aware of how people see you, well, that's another story completely!!
To end this week, something we are all aware of! M.S has got this horrible way of presenting us, at times, in a distorted way and you can come across totally different to the person that you really are! For those good people that knows us, those that we spend most of our lives with, that's all well and good, they have their own coping mechanism's and respect to them for that because let's be honest, they all deserve a medal for putting up with us! However, the people who don't know you so well, you can see it in their faces, the looks that they give, you can't blame them, they don't know what is wrong with you, if your leg's not hanging off, you look alright to them! It does make me want to hand out a card to them saying, 'sorry for the way I am today, I'm just having a bit of a cow, tomorrow I will be ok, maybe, hopefully, whatever, so if you could just bare with me for a bit, I'm normally a really nice bloke and you will like me, I'm sure!! xx
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