An Unwelcome Visitor. Chapter.3

                 From June 2000 through to April 2001,  I was effectively out of action and it was not until about September of 2000 that I started to notice any significant changes!  These changes helped me to believe that I was getting better, they were minor improvements to start with,  most obvious to me was my balance was getting better which helped  to improve my walking!  This gave a hell of a boost to my confidence, my willingness to 'want' to do more and more went on in leaps and bounds.  However, I still had to learn to pace myself because M.S fatigue was always waiting in the wings and seemed to take great delight in knocking me back!  Briefly,  imagine being strapped to a bungee cord and when you think you are doing well......TWANG!!!  Back you go, you have done too much,  I did not think so and whenever this happened,  it was just so frustrating and it would wind me up so much which didn't help, it just made my fatigue twice as bad, which meant it would take twice as long to be able to start again!
                  During the many hours spent on my own, with the kids at school and my wife  now able to go back to doing her normal working hours, for me, this could at times, be a lonely time!  I would pace around the room, changing the route from round and round to corner to corner, doing this often was good for my walking practice but not so good for me as a person!  I now know how a caged animal in the Zoo feels!  Ah bless, look at that bear,  he looks so cute, yes but that bear is so pissed off, given half a chance,  he will rip you apart!  In short,  I was going mental, stir crazy and there were many times,  I was not a nice person at all!  This was harder for other people to accept because it was just not me!  There were many times when I would walk past a mirror and just have a burning desire to lash out at the person looking back at me and that person was of course, me!  It was during these low periods I just said to myself one day, "fuck it Martin,  you have put it off for long enough", so I decided to go on the internet!  It was just to have a nose at first, nothing in particular, just something to do, you must remember, there was no Twitter or Facebook back then. Obviously my main reason was to find out things about M.S!  I read about all the usual stuff, having a good diet, regular exercise, groups to join,  how I stood with employment, benefits available that sort of thing.  Then I plucked up courage and looked a bit deeper into what M.S is all about, what it does to you and what it can do to you, what was available to treat the symptoms, all that sort of thing!  Now without putting too fine a point on it, when I got to this part,  it scared the shit out of me!  I got to the part that said that it may cause possible incontinence and bowel problems,  that was enough for me,  the computer went off , I pretended that I had not read about it and it was a very long time before I would look up anything to do with M.S again.  Of course I now know that things can be done to help if you suffer with any of these problems but back then, I knew nothing because I had stupidly decided that I would deal with M.S myself, I was completely ignorant and it took a long time for me to adopt a different mindset. This possibility affected me so much, I would not drink anything like enough,  I had become completely paranoid about wetting myself that I just ignored the benefits of drinking, totally wrong.  Drinking plenty of water is so good for the body, again it's all down to pacing yourself, little and often, you must keep a steady flow of fluid! To this day, I have not had a problem with my bladder or my bowels but I know it is a very real possibility. 
                As I now point out to anyone who asks me, help is out there and don't be such  a dickhead,  you are not on your own for god's sake.  I was so stubborn back then, I had allowed M.S to take over every part of my being, physically and mentally, even I did not like the person I had allowed myself to become!  So if I am asked today,  I will tell anybody, do NOT deal with things on your own,  you CANNOT,  nobody is equipped with the tools to do so!
           During these days spent on my own,  I would have a go at most things, anything to stop me getting bored.  When you have time on your hands,  a day off work or some holiday's,  that is great but when you have no choice in the matter, that is a different scenario you are faced with.  I even tried to keep a journal but I was just writing for myself and my writing was terrible, even I could not understand what I had written most of the time!  Watching TV was such an effort, I could not concentrate for long, my mind would drift, the same with music too.  Friends would bring me DVD's to watch and CD's to listen to but I was unable to enjoy either,  I just could not concentrate on them!  Someone even tried to introduce me to Jigsaw's!  Good for some I know, people absolutely love them but I just looked at them with total disdain, I never liked them even as a kid and as hard as I tried, I just would not do them.  One of the new things  I learnt how to do during this time turned out to be such good therapy  for me. It was ironing and I even say it myself,  I started to enjoy it and in time,  I became quite good at it to,  now how many men would say that!
                With all that I have learnt about M.S over the last thirteen years,  if I am ever asked, the only bit of advice I can give to anyone who is newly diagnosed, well two bit's really,  do NOT if at all possible, sit and stare out of the window for too long!  Your mind will go into overdrive and you will just think negative thoughts!  This will not in itself affect your 'physical' progress but it will certainly go to town on your state of mind, what do they say, a healthy mind leads to a healthy body and as tough as it is at the time,  you need one to help the other! The other thing to do is find out as much as you can about M.S!  Ask your Doctor, M.S Nurse, or Neurologist or someone who has had M.S for a while,  anything you want to know about the condition,  these people are there to help you!  I am in no position to offer any warnings of any kind but before you look anything up first, tread wisely when it comes to using the Internet to look up the condition.  Trust me, you are in a very fragile state mentally when you are first diagnosed,  you do not want to read things that cause panic, worry or any other 'negative' emotion, get advice from people you can speak to in person.  
         When I look back to my those early days, it just reminds me of being on a Roller coaster ride of highs and lows all the time!  People would say to me, "think positive" , or "what are my main goals"! I would look at them and just say, "goals, goals, what do you mean goals, I don't want goals, I just want my fucking life back as it was!"  I knew it was not anyone's fault but I also knew that nobody could give me that elusive miracle cure, that 'wonder drug', these were the 'goals' I so desperately wanted to find.
            It was these moments of 'soul searching' these bouts of 'character analysis' that I realized, how much of an angry, bitter person I had become.  These were emotions that remained with me for years after diagnosis and were without doubt the two main things that held me back for far too long!  Being bitter and angry is so futile, it is hard enough holding things together as it is and by Christ it is SO easy to be bitter and angry!!  
              In the next chapter of my blog,  I will talk about when I eventually went back to work.