An Unwelcome Visitor. Chapter 5.

I'm still the same person, of course I am......... I think?

               During that first year back to work, so much had changed about my whole life!  Obviously physically but just as importantly,  mentally!  All of you MS'rs out there will know exactly where I am coming from, the physical changes are pretty obvious, your walking capabilities, your dexterity, changes to your speech,  you name it and there are changes!  Don't get me wrong,  I am well aware that sadly some people are far, far worse off than others and compared to some, what have I got to moan about! It took me a long, long time to regain a lot of what I had before and I am very lucky that most of it has returned, buggered off a few times along the way but essentially, most has come back, somewhat different each time but nonetheless it has comeback.  Apart from a wheelchair,  I have used most forms of walking aids and am now left with just a walking stick, by the way,  did I say that I hate that fucking stick!  I keep it with me at all times,  usually in the boot of my car,  I know that it is more than useful to me if and when I need it but I still, even after all these years, only tolerate it and will only use it if I really, really need to!  I know that people have always said to me, if  you need it,  use it and I have, I do and I will but please don't ever ask me to like it!
               I was  'ok' at sports in my day, I played a lot of six-a-side football, I loved cycling for fun but I was never a 'prolific' runner or jogger,  although I entered two marathons in my twenties and am proud to say that I finished both, even stopping for a cigarette or two on the way!  Unfortunately running or even just jogging  nowadays just makes me feel so nauseous, this is due to my head moving from side to side, a perfectly normal motion for this activity but as I am now, a definite no no! The strange thing is, if I am ever asked, I always say, Christ I wish I could run again but then again as my wife is quick to point out, I never used to  run a lot in the first place (cheeky bitch!) but when that choice is taken away, it's almost like the running 'career' that you never really had anyway, has come to an abrupt end!
               The other thing that M.S has done to me has not got anything to do with the physical side of things,  I have over the years 'adapted' accordingly,  if I were to be perfectly honest with myself, it is the damage that has been done to me mentally that I am only just coming to terms with and addressing!  There are lots of people who have been diagnosed with M.S who,  once they are able, once the initial symptoms have been bought under control and they have regained and restarted their lives, seem to want or even have to go balls out to prove they are still able to do what they could before!  Much respect to these people, if you can still do it, great, but just remember, nobody is judging you, nobody expects you to turn into an Olympian,  just be who you really are!  For far too long I wanted and felt like I needed to be seen by others as the same as I always was, I felt like I was a 'lesser' person if I didn't, having this mindset kept me going, or so I thought!  I just had to accept the fact that I could not do the same things as I did before!
                 Due completely to me trying to deal with M.S on my own, in my own way, not seeking advice or help from anyone else, having this attitude fucked me up mentally for far too long!  Not that it sent me round the bend totally ( some would say I was a bit of a nut job anyway) but it made me, at times, a not very nice person but at the time I didn't care, if people saw this shitty person,  then I must have been a shitty person!  However, as I have now learnt,  M.S is a huge beast, it is enormous, take it on and it can and in my case did, smack you silly, so don't even think you can win,  you can't!  Work with it, don't embrace it, never  give up the real you, the person you are inside, hang on to that person with all you have got! 
                 During my recovery process, one of the many things that took one hell of a beating, was my self-esteem!  You feel that everything has been taken from you and what comes back, makes you seem to be a 'shadow' of your former self.  This is very true, it makes you feel sad for a start, pissed off for sure, worthless, humorless, you name it, every form of human emotion going, you go through the lot!  However,  you start to use different emotions, ones you would never have dreamed of before!  In my case, I became very cynical about everything, I became very judgmental about others, in some cases I became very rude, even obnoxious!  All of these emotions, none of which I was  doing consciously and when I became this person,  I had to have it pointed out to me in order to rectify them!  During this 'metamorphosis', I developed a 'wicked' sense of humour, this at times, others found strange, I always liked a good laugh but now my humour had become at times, at the very least 'dry' and to the other extreme, very 'acerbic'!  Having M.S altered my character so much, I began to question myself,  Martin, you are a nice bloke not a shit, I would think to myself, start liking yourself again, other people like you, so stop feeling sorry for yourself!
                Before diagnosis I was a very mild mannered guy, any trouble and I would avoid it or at the very least try and calm any 'awkward' situation down!  However, what M.S did to me was to alter my whole way of reacting to it, instead of walking away from a confrontation or avoiding an argument, I would stand my ground and put my case forward, I just would not lower my guard!  Initially this even shocked me, I did not care, who,what ,why or when, I didn't care how big or even how many people were 'bearing' down on me, I just stood my ground! Perhaps it was the the 'psycho stare' that I had that did it, I don't know, take my word for it, I am fundamentally a really nice guy, a top bloke but I was just a little bit of an angry man back then, well, very angry actually!
                 As I said earlier, your self-esteem gets knocked out of you most definitely!  I've been happily married for nearly thirty years and like most men, we all think we are drop dead gorgeous (yeah right!) but for ages, I had a huge problem talking to women apart from my wife! I would not make eye contact with another woman, not in a romantic way, in any way!  It could be in the Newsagents or Post Office anywhere and if they spoke to me,  I couldn't handle it!  Don't look at me, don't talk to me, I am  a leper,(and a leper with M.S too) isn't it obvious for Christ sake!! As you can tell, the effect M.S had on me was all consuming and took a long time to get over but eventually and very gradually, these feelings just left, one by one and I began to function normally again.  I would start to interact with people, I would engage in conversations, I began to socialize more, it must be said, it was on my terms and I was still incredibly self conscious about myself and I still would not let myself go fully, something was still holding me back, not allowing me to completely relax and start to enjoy myself as I did before and it took me years to realize that the one thing that was holding me back, was ME! !  This would take me years to realize fully and I am still very much a work in progress and to become the nice person that was always in there, has been achieved with a lot of help from some good people to whom I owe so much, these people have helped me to stop this angry person take over my whole life!  

Chapter.6    I will talk about the help I have received, the different forms that this has taken and discovering true friendship and how I am gradually coming to terms and finally accepting M.S