An Unwelcome Visitor..Chapter.4

"Please God, let me back into the real world........"

                       After almost a whole year off,  I was eventually able to return to work, albeit, a very gradual return!  Getting to that position took a lot of six weekly visits to my GP, lots of physio, couple of visits from the HR department at work along with my Trade Union Rep's, both had my best interests at heart and I genuinely  thank both for their concerns for my welfare! After one of these visits, agreement was made with them along with strict instructions from my own Doctor, that I could return to work starting off with one hour per day for two weeks, then two hours after that and see how I progressed from there! This was to be done and there were to be guidelines put in place that I would be strictly monitored throughout and that I was to do exactly as I was told!  Having now been given the green light to return to work, this was  one of the best things I had heard in a long time, however I cannot deny that it was tinged with a great deal  of apprehension on my part!  You have to remember,  a year before, I was just a normal guy with no health problems,  no work problems, no marital or family problems,  all was ticking along nicely in my world thank you very much!  Then this 'unwelcome visitor', aka M.S arrived out of the blue and turned my cozy world on it's head, well,  trashed it completely and just for good measure,  decided to stay!  The point I am making is,  although I was SO pleased on one hand,  on the other,  I was scared shitless,  I had been out of the game for nearly a year, how would I deal with this, how would it affect me, what was I still able to do and more importantly to me,  how would I be seen by others!

                    My first day back to work was almost like my first day at school,  I was picked up by a lady from the H.R Department, along the way she gave me all of these instructions which basically  meant that I was to be a very good boy,  or else!  She meant well but she was young enough to be my daughter and I remember thinking, " cheeky bitch!  Of course I knew she and the Company were only thinking of me and as I said in the beginning,  I am and always will be truly grateful to them.  I was put to work with the Company security, I was by this time getting around with a walking stick  and  they were told all about me before I arrived so there was no awkwardness at all, far from it,  they were some of the nicest people I had ever met and made me welcome from the start,  which was very ironic because a year before, I like everybody else in the Company,  thought that they were the most obnoxious gits you would ever meet!  That 'hour a day' just flew by,  it seemed that I had only just hung my coat up when it was time to go and they all made sure that I left when I was supposed to!  My wife picked me up, dropped me at home and settled me in then went back to work, we had already worked out our plan of picking up and dropping off and agreed that this would be suitable for us  and the kids school was just around the corner, so that was not a problem.  I was absolutely buzzing by this time,  just for being back at work for that hour, getting out, being involved, mixing with other people but  I was so unprepared about that one hour being so tiring!   I was exhausted, I mean really knackered! I didn't need to get changed,  let's face it  I was not at work long enough to get dirty, so I slumped in the armchair and promptly fell asleep and stayed there until the doorbell rang and the kids were home.  This 'regime' went on for a couple of weeks and by this time my body had got used to the hour I was doing, then we increased it to two hours.  Slowly but surely things were starting to work for me and this was being helped by me learning to pace myself and not going  charging back into things.  It was not easy, not by any means but I did as I was told, rested when necessary and apart from the improvements to my body,  my state of mind was getting better by the day!  My speech was still not doing too well and I was often asked to repeat myself,  this I found an awkward thing to do at first,  a walk before you run kind of thing! I had been told to 'slow' down the words and the sentences that came out of my mouth!  This I did in order to make sense but for some time I always thought that by doing this,  people must have thought I was taking the piss, this was as always, in 'my' mind, not the case for other people!  So until this side of things had begun to improve, I avoided if possible,  using the phone at work., as per bloody usual,  I always avoided 'confronting' the issue!
           One of the tasks I was given to do was delivering the internal mail!  This was not a problem, even though I was using my stick, the walks to the various mail points was good exercise for me. Before June 2000, I had been working in the factory, wether it was welding or in the Pressing plant,  I was just one of the guy's.  I did my bit, got paid each month and that was it, thankyou very much.  I now however,  had to face up to going into areas of the factory that I used to work, meet up with people who I used to work with all of the time!  So, for at least two months,  I avoided going anywhere near these places and the people that I used to be just like!  I did try to go into the factory on a few occasions but when I did and was met with the same smells,  same noises and the same atmosphere in general,  it just freaked me out,  I could not do it,  I just had to get out of there as quick as I could!  The reason was,  it was  just too upsetting for me,  I would think to myself, I should be there,  I should be doing that,  I should be still as involved as I always was but now all of those feelings and emotions were gone,  never to return,  or so I convinced myself!
            This went on for two months, and it was agreed that I could avoid going 'inside' the factory until I was ready.  Then one day,  I was asked if, due to lack of manpower if I would or 'could',  deliver the mail to my old part of the factory!  Oh Jesus Christ!! I thought to myself, go for it now you twat, you can't put it off forever! So with much trepidation,  I loaded up my bag of Post and made my way into the factory and as fast as I could using that bloody stick,  I made my way up some stairs to the mailbox outside of the production office.  Once I had deposited and collected the mail, I turned as quick as I could and began to climb down the stairs!  At the bottom a large crowd had started to gather, they were all of my old workmates and colleagues, team-leaders and managers, probably about thirty in total and as I looked down at  them, they all began to clap and cheer!  This scene was almost in slow-motion, I remember looking around thinking it was for someone else but then realized it was ......for me!  This was one of the most emotional incidents that I had been exposed to for such a long time,  I was so wrapped up in my own emotions but on this occasion I felt a genuine sense of warmth coming from them!  They all said how much of an idiot I was in avoiding them, well actually they all called me a stupid tosser,   I must have been doing a good job because most of them thought I was still off, why those rotten bastards!  From then on, I started to relax a lot more and with each hourly increase to my working week,  my health began improving so much, there was almost a spring in my step ( if it was not for that bloody stick!!) and that meeting on the stairs was the kick up the arse I needed,  from then on, things just got better and better.

Next chapter I will mention the continuing improvements, how I managed my self both  physically and mentally.