An Unwelcome Visitor: Chapter :7     
                                 'What the hell am I going to talk about?'


                     Around the turn of 2008,  I had very reluctantly decided that counselling was the next step I was going to take!  To be honest, there were a lot of people who cared enough about me that noticed too many changes going on around me, changes  that were making me, at times, very prone to mood swings and choosing to be on my own a lot. This could be as simple as taking a longer journey home from work, staying longer at work, just being left alone in general!  I played a lot of PlayStation games, usually shoot 'em ups, or war games, at the time I just thought they were fun but really, deep down, they were a format for the anger and frustration to come pouring out of me!  My wife would, unknown to me, watch me playing these games and it used to upset her watching my face contort into anger and almost rage sometimes and if I lost, many times the handset would go flying across the room.  I must point out that I have never vented any of my anger on my loved ones or on anyone for that matter, good god no,  my wife would just wait till I was asleep and beat me with a saucepan if I as much as raised a hand in temper and believe me she would do just that, no question!!  It was my wife who first suggested that I needed help,  help in being able to deal with my 'MS' life and facing up to these mood swings I was having which were, in a nutshell,  destroying me as a person. I of course initially refuted all of these suggestions, 'I'm ok, I'm just  having a bad day, i'll be alright later on, that would be my most common response. That's as maybe but, Ladies and Gentlemen,  there is only so far and so long you can try to blag your way through life before something has to give! 
                 It was the HR Department along with the Occupational Health Department at work that told me all about the counselling that the Company could offer me.  I was in such denial back then,  I just said that it was nice to know and maybe I would take up the offer. It took me quite a few months to convince myself, admitting that my wife was right all along was almost as tough,  most men would agree I'm sure, that is such a hard thing to do, admitting that your wife is right about anything is so hard to deal with at the best of times, us men, naturally,  we know everything don't we, yeah right!  The day came when I finally decided to go for it, what the hell, as long as it was to be kept a secret,  just a 'select' few were to know, let's do this thing!
                I can still remember thinking to myself, even on the day of my first session, what am I going to talk about? Will it be a man or woman, will they be old, will they already know about me in advance, will they even know what MS is, I really can't be arsed about explaining the in's and out's!  All manner of things were going around and around in my head, I even wondered if I would be lying down on a couch, bloody hope not because I know I would just fall asleep!  All of these thoughts were just racing around in my head, so much so, I very nearly bottled out at the last minute!!  Anyway, I arrived at the Medical Centre at work, was met by the Company Nurse, who luckily I knew very well and she asked me to wait in one of the consulting rooms, as she left me there, I can remember her turning and telling me not to worry and with a friendly wink she said I was doing the right thing!  While I was waiting, I could feel the anxiety in me start to rise and I was just about to make a quick getaway,  when suddenly this very softly spoken female voice called to me, 'you must be Martin', oh Christ this is it! Remember the 10cc song 'I'm Mandy Fly Me' I don't know why but that came into my head for some reason and then she introduced herself and came and  sat opposite me!  An awkward moment ensued,  I did not know what to say, I did not even know when to say it, was I supposed to go first, was I supposed to listen first , I had no idea, obviously, this was a totally normal response from someone like myself who was way, way, way out of their comfort zone!  I can remember starting by saying to her, 'what do you know about me'? She shook her head and said ' I know nothing, I want you to tell me!' Why should she know about me, I remember thinking, I'm just a normal bloke who has got a bit of a problem,  so I just thought, fuck it, here we go, if I remember correctly,  my first words to her were 'sorry to bother you but..... I think I need some help......please'!
                       Now over this past six years or so, this lady has helped me to face a lot of my demons and Christ I certainly had some baggage, I have said things to her, I have told her things about myself that I have never said or even dreamed of saying  to other people, about my life before MS and what MS has done to me, how I had allowed MS to change me from the nice bloke that I was, into the person I would not like to be friends with!  During those hour long sessions that lasted for six weeks at a time, she has helped me to deal with my MS, to face it, to stand up to it, basically to take stock of the hand that I have been dealt with! It took a long time but with her patience and my determination, she taught me, first and foremost to start to like myself again, that I did not have to live a life of pretense, I did not have to put on an act, I have nothing to prove to anyone, if I was having a shitty day, so what, if it was taking longer to do things, so what, if my walking was bad or my speech was crap, whatever, these were not a reason for me to beat myself up about, just because these issues happened from time to time, it was no reason to think that they made me a worse person!  
                     The whole experience to me has been such a positive one,  it has shown me a way to face the problems that I have caused to myself, it has taught me not to be so angry, not to be bitter and twisted so often!  I would be a liar if I were to say that I have finally 'accepted' MS, although I am almost there, I don't think that I will ever accept it 100% but I am certainly closer than I was, no question of that. Just being given the ability to delve deep into your soul, to be able to release those inner thoughts, until that moment happens, you just do not realize how messed up you are!  I used to think I was spouting any old rubbish during these sessions, probably because, certainly at first, I was not even sure I wanted to be there. Being sat opposite this lady who, at that time, unknown to me, was helping me to be less inhibited about myself and all the time, was allowing me to release all of this pent up anger and bitterness! These weekly sessions could at times, be very funny, even under these 'conditions' I was still a cheeky bugger, can't help that, they would be very insightful to me and they could also be very hard hitting and emotional!  I'm not embarrassed to say that a box of tissues was pushed in front of me on many occasions and it was not because I had a runny nose that's for sure!  It took a couple of years of mostly highs and a few lows thrown into the mix for the old Martin to start showing up again, the cocky sod, the cheeky git, the Martin who liked a laugh, the bloke who would talk to anybody about anything and everything, the Martin that I suppose I always was, the Martin who people liked to be with, the Martin who went missing for such a long time, far too long!   
                               If I were to be asked now, I would recommend  EVERYONE who has MS, who has a major problem dealing with it, coming to terms with it and without doubt, accepting it, if you can and it is offered to you, please consider counselling, you will ultimately feel so much better for it,  I know I have.  We all bottle things up inside, from the very small things to the very big, all these things will cause you to lead such a shitty life of pretense and  if you don't find a means of releasing that pent up pressure, things will just get worse and worse for you and the longer you leave it, the harder it will be to get back but believe me, YOU CAN DO IT!!! 

                         The next chapter explains about my first steps in approaching Swindon Therapy Centre and it's profound effect on me!