An Unwelcome Visitor  Chapter.9
                                                   Turning your anger into humour and your tears to laughter!

                              There are two emotions that we all go through, anger and sadness, part and parcel with having M.S I suppose, one comes from frustration, usually with yourself and the other is sadness at the loss of the person you used to be!  A lovely lady said to me once, in my case and I would think for many others too,  it amounts to a kind of grieving, not necessarily feeling sorry for yourself, just acknowledging that something dear to me, has gone forever, the old me!  As we must all be aware, we can all be angry for so long  before people  start to think that you are that miserable sod and they will avoid being in your company of at all costs!  Who can blame them, we all have our shit to deal with but it is fundamentally unfair to inflict yours onto others, of course it is but it is so easy and indeed, tempting in some cases to do just that! In my case and I am sure I am not alone, it was anger at others for just being well I suppose, being fit and healthy but not just that, I was so angry at them for still having the ability to choose what they wanted to do with their lives!  By this I mean they could do whatever, whenever and with whoever, as and when they felt like it but I could not!  Obviously this is not true, I can, like so many of us MS'rs, do anything I want, whenever I want and with whoever I want, obviously as long as it is legal, whose to stop me! It's all down to knowing your limitations, working within those parameters, it takes a bit of practice, getting the balance right, the main thing is getting the right balance for you! There are many MS'rs who run marathons, climb mountains, bungee jump, even go white water rafting for Christs sake!!  They may feel like shit at the end of it but they have still been able to choose!  If you feel like you want to do something in your own way, in your own time, there is nothing that can stop you, only 'you' at the end of the day that's all! The boost to you psychologically is enormous, does not matter what you have done, how you did it and more importantly, how long it took you, who the hell cares, just remember at the end of the day, you are doing it for you, it is a personal thing, you should let nobody dictate, how, when and why!
                             One thing we should all do is not to take things too seriously, there is ultimately no point whatsoever, obviously there are some things that have to be dealt with that require a certain amount of respect and sensibility, of course there are but not everything!  Look, we are the only ones who know how we feel, some of us MS'rs are far worse than others on the outside and no explanation is needed for the disabilities that some have to live with each and everyday, others have to deal with things that are not so visible, I include myself in that category and these are not so easy to explain to others, just because you LOOK okay, as we all know, it certainly does not mean that you FEEL okay!   Even now, some people just do not know how to take me, I suppose I can be a bit too flippant at times, especially when people try and tell me about M.S, I can't help it, some people out there think they know all about it, or they think they know someone who has got it, I have even had people say they new someone who USED to have it!  Some of what they know is accurate but some is way off, I often find myself explaining to people, ' it's not like flu which you get over, it's a condition that has no cure', then you get all of the usual responses like, 'well you look alright, are you sure you have got that'? I get fed up with having to put people straight,  I mean no harm by it, I am an open book, what you see is what you get. I will always  try to explain if asked, I have no real problem with that but  I am prone to take the Mickey, not the piss you understand and I firmly believe there is a definite difference between the two! I suppose it is just a way of me handling my problem that's all!
                                 There were times when I would hide behind M.S as my excuse not to do certain things, not to go to certain places but then one day,  I just thought, look mate you're not getting any younger and there are people who are a lot younger than you, who have M.S and they are doing as much as they can with their lives, so what the hell is your problem!!  Actually, I could do this, I could do that and more besides, so I just had to  lighten up, take stock of my life before I became a right miserable old bastard, it is all out there for the taking, it's up to me if I want it or not!  It's not a case of throwing all caution to the wind, I'm not that stupid but nowadays I tend not to think too hard about the things that I want to do, I suppose I am taking back all of  the things that I have chosen to avoid all these years!  It is purely my own fault and  I admit that but I have let too many years fly past and by Christ they certainly do,  I was forty when I was diagnosed and now I'm almost fifty four,  I know I can never recover those lost years but I'm going to do more with my life from now on that's for sure. Number one on my bucket list is that I intend to visit Laurel Canyon just up the road from Sunset Strip in  L.A, I want to buy a couple of bottles of red wine from the village store, find a nice spot to sit down, pour a couple of glasses, take out my trusty ukelele and play for a while, chill for a while and smile a lot, probably get arrested for vagrancy or something but who cares! This has been a dream of mine for a long, long time but it's a dream that was shelved for too long because of a certain Unwelcome Guest that turned up one day and decided to stay!  Well, guess what my friend, you are going to come to, no way are you going to stop me from fulfilling my dreams anymore, we have just renewed our passports and they are in the post, I have vowed to overcome my fear of flying, so M.S, you are coming with me too, live with it! 
                   I am now meeting up with fellow MS'rs on a regular basis and the interaction, simply just talking with others, I am finding so rewarding, I ask questions about other people, how they deal with M.S.  I am being asked about my life and how I deal with M.S, something that never occurred to me for a second was of any interest to others!  Unlike before, if anyone wishes to ask me anything, I am more than willing to talk for England!
                  Did I mention that I fell the other day! Stepping backwards down from a small ladder, I thought I was on the floor but I had one more step to go and I stumbled but because I was so intent on keeping hold of the piece of wood I was holding, I crashed into a table and then into a dresser!  It hurt, Christ it hurt but I laughed because I had remained upright, I had not dropped the piece of wood, now in my book, that is an achievement and unlike before, I mentioned this to people, this in itself is a very rare thing for me to do!  If ever I used to do things, fall, trip or whatever and if nobody was there to witness the incident, I would never have dreamed of telling anyone but this time I did and for me doing that is a HUGE thing to do, believe me! Is that another step closer to me coming to terms with M.S, I don't know, the jury is out on that one but I did not bottle it up, let it fester inside, I fell, so what, I am so proud of myself for remaining virtually upright and not letting go of the piece of wood. Sounds crazy I know but in my book, it's almost like a 'badge of honour' and it made me smile, no, it made me laugh, at myself!!
                 If anyone wants to get in touch with me for a chat, no problem, just leave a comment on the blog and I will get back to you.