An Unwelcome Guest:   Chapter.14

                               The Power Of Music - 
                     'I Like It Loud and........ I Like It Quiet!

                 When you are diagnosed with a chronic condition such as I have with M.S, I often find myself saying the same thing over and over, 'well at least I'm not...........!  This could be blind or dumb, bed ridden or in a wheelchair, stupid even, (although there must be people out there who think that of me already)  but the one thing I am so glad that I am not, is deaf!  Now, in the grand scheme of things, to be deaf or to become deaf, is something that some people  live with because they are born deaf, or they become deaf through natural wear and tear, or some sort of accident perhaps or maybe through some illness!  When I was in hospital all those years ago and went to my first group meeting and I met for the first time, other MS'rs, some had suffered temporary eyesight problems, I remember one lady saying that she had  lost all vision in one eye, which lasted a few days  but one lady, I will never forget, told me that she had become deaf, albeit temporarily again, for just a couple of days but it was something that I listened to (no pun intended), that has stayed with me all these years! So I thank the lord, or whoever might be looking out for me, that so far, my hearing is still in pretty good shape.

             You see, I have loved music for as long as I can remember, music of all types, all genres, old ones, new ones, loved ones and neglected ones as the man on the radio used to say!!  Music, for me anyway, has become so important in the way I deal with my M.S, different styles of music I play according to my mood, if I am happy or sad, if I am feeling good about myself, or not as the case may be! In the early days, I was very angry and some of the stuff I listened to certainly reflected that, very dark, very moody, it may have been the lyric's or the riff, some of it, now when I look back was oh so incredibly depressing, this without doubt was certainly a reflection of me at that time and the way my mind was screwing me up! I don't even think that I wanted to listen to 'happy' music, probably because I was far from 'happy', I enjoyed a much darker sound to my music!

              There are many pieces of music that I can listen to that can be very emotional for me, this may be just the way it is constructed, a quiet start, a gradual build up, ending in some amazing crescendo of sound that just beats you into submission! Some stuff gets me every time because I can relate it to the impact that M.S has had on my life, indeed our lives, corny, maybe but oh so true!  A quiet start, usually reflects the sadness and the fear that we are feeling,  the slow build up reflects the confusion and the dread of what might be in store, when you get to the middle section, usually things start to lighten up a bit, this gives you the feeling that you are not alone in this fight and then the loud and joyous ending, conjures up feelings of determination and above all, hope!  Listen to this piece with your eyes closed and work with it, you will see what I mean!

          There are some songs that I love and hate in equal measure, The Beatles 'Yesterday' for example,  is a song about  lost love and how it was such a great thing, Yesterday!  It is a song that whenever I hear it today, I certainly feel that way but instead of the lost love being a woman, it is me that I always put in her place, is that selfish, vain even, I don't know,  'Yesterday, All My Troubles Seemed So Far Away',  is a lyric that strikes such a chord  with me every time! 

              Music in my opinion is a great leveler, you love the song or you loathe it, to have the capacity to cause these two emotions within you means that you at least are using your ears!  Some songs have the ability to make you angry, this may mean that you really don't like it, or it is a song that you love listening to, usually to make you angry, to fire you up, to make you want to punch the air! M.S makes us all angry for sure but we must also show our anger 'to' M.S, we have got to grab M.S by the balls now and again, we may be down sometimes but not out, spit this devil in the eye!

             Just because you  have M.S, does that mean that you can't dance anymore? For ages I would just refuse to move around at parties let alone dance but then I thought to myself, who said you can't!  Obviously, nobody said I couldn't, it was just me again, thinking that I shouldn't, not that I was a Fred Astaire but I liked a bit of a bop about now and again, usually with some alcoholic lubrication, naturally! To be able to get off on a song does not mean you have to throw shapes all over the place, if you can stand, you can just sway to the beat, or just nod your head in time to the beat, if you are in a wheelchair, tap a hand, tap a finger, you can move to the rhythm anyway you want, nobody is judging you and if you are getting enjoyment from it, if it is making you happy, go for it, give it all you have got!

          Other times that music plays an important role is when you are doing the exercise of your choice!  As we all know, doing any form of exercise, it may be for physio, keeping everything working as best it should, it may be walking, or if you are lucky enough to still be able, jogging or even running!  Any of these can be a very lonely pursuit, especially if you are doing them on your own, nobody to talk to and apart from being lonely, it can be bloody boring, you need a bit of motivation!  So some music of your choice at home, in the gym or fitness room, or even outside, pounding the streets, is a must I reckon! Some people choose some lively stuff to move about to, a bit of the old DISCO perhaps, or some drum and bass if your a real nutter and then there are some like myself, who prefer something a bit Rockier, something that is a bit more kick ass, the choice is endless!  Could be a bit of Guns'n'Roses, or something old school, perhaps some Zeppelin or Purple or how about some Indie, Oasis sounds good to me, whatever floats your boat, perhaps some 'Stones, now this is a great song, superb to work out to, the title is rather apt too I reckon!!

                              With the rough of course there is , the smooth and there are many occasions when we have just got to unwind, de-stress, sometimes you may not want to but we have to before M.S pulls the rug from under you, so take some time out in a manner of your choosing!!  You can read a book if your concentration allows it, you can meditate if you can, power to those that can meditate by the way, I wish I could, there is usually too much crap in my head anyway, it would take an age to empty that lot out!!  Alternatively, there is music, music that is recorded for that very purpose, to help you relax but I must be honest, I have listened to CD's of whales calling, waves crashing, wolves howling even, I have listened to Red Indians doing there thing and I have tried to listen to some Gregorian Chanting!  The effect that some of this stuff has on me is to make me want to go to the toilet, makes me feel cold, or bores the hell out of me, everything but relax me!  Now don't get me wrong, some people really enjoy this stuff and it certainly has the desired effect on them but not me I'm afraid!  I prefer to do my own searching and  by doing this, I have found some really great stuff but each to their own! So anyway, here are a couple of songs you may like and indeed even recognize.

 

                           As I am fundamentally a really nice guy, I am because I know I am, so if you could indulge me for a few minutes of your time!  This next song is a song that I have loved for years, it means a lot to me, the lyrics mean so much to me personally, I have always felt that they could have been written for me, so much so that it will be played at my funeral, whenever that may be, not yet I hope!  Leonard Cohen is not to everybody's taste but just think of him as poet with a guitar, just read the lyrics and all will become clear!

                   This next song I would like to dedicate to all of my fellow MS'rs because whatever shit this godforsaken curse throws at us, we are, inside, the same people that we always were, remember that and in our own way, we still shine, oh yes, we shine.XX

    An Unwelcome Visitor -  Chapter.13   


                                 What scares me about the future!

                  Now that I am thirteen years on from original diagnosis, I often find myself thinking about the future, what it is that awaits me and what I have got to look forward to! I often think about how I am going to deal with it when it comes and how I am going to prepare for it in the meantime, being honest it is not something I like to think about at all! The thing is, I don't think it is possible to do either with any form of accuracy because each day, each month and each year varies so much for all of us, you can sometimes be lucky to go ages without any problems at all and then...... well you know the rest! I suppose you could say that is the joy's of M.S and that is why I personally, will always hate it, it is no friend of mine!  Even after all this time, I would sell my soul to the devil to drive it out of my body, FACT!!

                 

                At this moment in time, I am doing pretty good, for the most part, most of my faculties are intact, at the moment anyway and apart from some aches and pains, I'm doing good, so I am not going to complain too much, I don't want to tempt fate!  Regarding me and M.S in a 'work' context, I do wish that it was not something that I have to think about on a daily basis, especially when it comes to 'career' opportunities. I may be fifty four but I still keep an eye out for what is going on at work,  probably because I want to stay working for as long as I can. You see, I have always been the sort of guy that likes work, I need to work, it keeps me sane and I like being at work, crazy, maybe but that is the way I have always been. As with any company, big or small, there are jobs that come along and applications are invited for everyone to be considered for them! I often see such positions come up for offer on team noticeboards or in my email inbox, some way above my level but some are more than suitable for me!  However, it saddens and more to the point, frustrates me that  because of me having M.S,  I will always just read about them rather than do any thing about them, like fill out an application form and wait for the call like every other applicant!  You see, I have to acknowledge the fact that I must not allow myself to have to deal with  pressure of any kind, this 'stress' only goes to exacerbate my symptoms, it makes my fatigue worse for a start! When I see positions come up, that under normal circumstances I would just jump at the chance but I am not stupid,  I know that with a new job comes new responsibilities and the risk to myself and ultimately to my family, is just far too great.  I have already been out of action twice now and I'm too scared that it could happen again and I suppose it would be pretty selfish of me to pile it on to my family again!  I accept that I'm just destined to stay as I am and for as long as I can and be content with what I have got,  looking at it from another angle, I will always be that nice guy at work, you know the one, always taking the piss, walks with a limp!  So, I find other things to interest me, less stressful things, things that make me feel good but it still  doesn't stop me from dreaming of what might have been though does it, of course it doesn't!  I suppose if people still see me as, for the most part anyway, still the same, then I will, grudgingly accept it!

                  I must be honest, even a cocky sod like me gets a bit scared from time to time when changes start to happen, even after all these years!  I can go for week's even months where there are no changes at all but when changes do occur, however small they might be, I can't help but become acutely aware of them!  The changes that I find are the hardest to deal, as I have often said before, are usually the ones that other people notice first and these may be subtle, so subtle I am usually not even aware of them at first, or perhaps I am but choose to conveniently ignore them! 

                  These changes usually start with an ache or even a pain that I have not noticed before and at the moment for instance, both of my wrists are really hurting! I could be at work  carrying a box or package and the pain can sometimes be so intense almost like there is nothing attaching my wrists to my arms and this in turn makes me end up almost 'cuddling' the item close to my chest to just keep hold of it!  Now this worries me, I might not 'openly' show it but it certainly does, so, by upping my pain killers usually does the trick, so far anyway! However, it does seem to be happening more and more and I will have to mention this when I have my next review with the Neurologist in April, now this is something that worries me a bit, is an MRI scan on the horizon, it has been a long time, we shall see!!
                   Sometimes in the mornings, my balance is a bit wobbly, I sometimes move around making sure there is something in grabbing distance to me, just to be on the safe side!  When this happens, it is only for the first few minutes of me getting up and  there is quite often somebody around, usually my wife, so I can't blag my way out of it, believe me I try!  I have a mixed feeling of 'bravado' on one hand and 'fear' on the other, I suppose there is a big spoonful of denial in there somewhere too, it's a conflict for sure, between an M.S thing and a 'man' thing. If I were to be perfectly honest, perhaps even seen as  selfish to some, my main fear, my biggest fear even, is that one day I may have to pack up work, for good!  This is a prospect that I find so daunting, it just scares the hell out of me to even think about it!

                 I am not embarrassed to say that there have been a few occasions when I have woken up in the middle of the night, sweating and even crying where the fear has become so intense, if my wife has woken too, I just say that I have been having a nightmare and tell her to go back to sleep! Little does she know that I have been having a nightmare, potentially a very real nightmare!  I suppose it all stems from the fact that I have had on two occasions, been forced to take time off from work and all during those times, my main focus was being able to return to work, that is what kept me going! Now if that is considered stupid by some, selfish even, I can live with that, that is just the kind of guy I am, I suppose it is the hunter, gatherer spirit within that is SO deep rooted, it will be within me as long as I walk the earth and if that sounds dramatic, pompous, whatever, this mindset is planted so deep within, I can't change now and I think that those who know me best, would not be able to deal with me, if I were any other way! I know it sounds stupid to most people but M.S can do it's worst as far as I am concerned but the harm it could do to me, just by potentially bringing to an end my ability to work, is just something that I don't want to acknowledge! 
                        People who I know personally, people who I have been fortunate to get to know through forums, blogs and the like, these people have my utmost respect when they tell me that they have fully accepted M.S, that they are ok with it and that they are content with the path that they are on now!  However, I still after all this time, cannot and I know it is something that I have got to deal with one day but how, when and where...........i'll get back to you on that one!  Until that time comes, I shall, as best I can, 'just keep on keepin' on'!

                            

Chapter 12.

                          Aches and Pains, Drugs and Pills!!                                                               

              Apart from certain parts of my body that have or indeed are subject to differing levels of pain, I am, so far, a lot better off than some, notice how I refrained from saying 'luckier', that is because not one of us would ever consider saying that we are luckier than him or her, we have all got M.S and that is bad enough!  The pain that I suffer is mostly confined to my left side, arm, thigh, leg and foot, bit of a pattern occurring there I reckon!  The pain usually manifests itself as an ache, sometimes mild but there are times when the ache turns into what I can only describe a 'dead' leg or arm, almost like somebody has been continually thumping it, over and over!  Other times this ache spreads around and spreads it's magic on my hips and pelvis, right round the back to my bum, this leaves me with a feeling of being kicked, kneed and punched! Now back in the day, as schoolkids , kicking each other up the arse for fun, dishing out dead legs and arms was considered a 'right of passage', such a hoot if you were the kicker but not so if you were the kicked!  When this feeling occurs to me nowadays, I am definitely the 'kicked' and putting on a brave face along with a not very flattering limp, is about all I can do.  I suppose that when it comes to dealing with pain, I am very 'old school',  I knew it was there but I just tried to ignore it, or if I could, just work through it and as much as I would try and blag it, those who knew me best, could always tell that something was hurting!
                     Due to the nature of my work, I am constantly on the go, I have to make myself busy at all times and as I have said before, this is because I find it very hard to relax!  Although my dexterity is by no means what it was,  my upper body strength is still pretty good, I'm no 'Arnie' but I do manage to lift or drag heavy items and boxes about all day and although I do have my own office and I am constantly told to sit down and take it easy, I can't fly my desk all day now can I!!  The company makes sure that Health & Safety issues are 'strictly' adhered to at all times, this is with everybody not just me and we have to undertake courses on how to lift, how you should reach up and out, what you should and should not climb, basically to make sure that you are safe and that you carry out your daily 'tasks' safely!  We are even shown the correct posture you should adopt whilst sitting in your office chair, how far and how high your P.C monitor should be away from you, so the Company does look after you while you are in their care, in these day's of litigation frenzy, they are not stupid now are they!!  Obviously, this makes total sense if you are able bodied or an M.S'r and I do work to process (most of the time), I will admit that with me, a certain amount of 'bravado' creeps in from time to time and I am almost paranoid at being seen as the 'weakest link' in the team, so I do push myself more than I should and I would be the first to acknowledge that on occasions, this has been detrimental to me!

                      There are some pains that I cannot deal with easy, like the pain at the base of my skull, where it fits to the top of your neck , across the top of my  shoulders  and down my back!  I am constantly 'rotating' my head, one way or another and it hurts, it has for thirteen years now but I still can't get used to it and this in turn makes my shoulders ache, so I am constantly shrugging my shoulders up and down and back and forth!  I used to be able to deal with the pain this caused by taking Paracetamol and for a long time it did seem to work but in recent month's I have had to concede defeat and am now on prescribed pain killers and these have helped a lot and I now find it much easier to deal with the pain! The first prescribed drug I took for pain relief was Nortryptaline and these did work for a while but eventually my Doctor swopped for a  a drug called Amatryptaline, this had virtually the same effect but was cheaper. Now this baby really worked great but the side effect was horrible, it was great for my pain, brilliant in fact but it gave me some horrible hallucinations! 

                           These hallucinations were  really unpleasant, I would see things moving in the carpets, shadows on the wall had a mind of their own, it got so bad one night and I got so freaked out that I punched the table light off of my bed-side dresser and these incidents really started to scare my wife, especially when I lashed out at her, in fact I pushed her out of the bed a couple of times and on one occasion, she awoke to find me leaning over her with my fists clenched, sweating and shouting rubbish,(nothing unusual there then!) As far as she was concerned, that was it, enough was enough and she made me get in touch with my Doctor the next day and he promptly told me to stop taking them!  I must point out that I was away with the fairy's at the time of this incident, I did not hurt her and more to the point, I did not have a clue what I had done and promptly fell back to sleep each time, it was only the next morning that I realized the severity of it all! 

                   One thing I am is honest and blogging or talking about my M.S story has been me pouring out the truth, the good, the bad and the.....well you know the rest!  So the next few lines took a lot of soul searching, balls if you will, for me to put into print! As things are miles better now, no, make that millions of miles better, I just thought, fuck it, tell it like it is (was)!
                     For a short time I was put on a drug called Gabopentin, great for the relief of my pain but not so for me as a ..........man!!  It basically, overnight, caused me to suffer with what is known as 'erectile dysfunction' which caused a lowering of my libido (no pun intended, or could that be a euphemism?). This really, I mean REALLY scared me to death, what the hell was happening to me now, did this mean that I was going to gradually lose the use of everything!  Come on, kick a man while he is down why don't you!! 

           So I got in touch with my M.S nurse(slightly embarrassing as I used to go to school with her)  again and she told me of another drug I could take and so now I take Carbamazipan and they are great in all areas, pain relief, they give me no side effects to speak of, just great, obviously in an ideal world I wish I did not need them anyway but I now take the barest dose and that is enough. If I need more, not a problem and I have to have regular blood tests to check on my liver function but I can live with that! 

                  Due to my problem with fatigue, I had taken the drug Amantadine for many years and this had helped me to deal with this constant problem.  However after nearly six years,  it had become less effective and so after consultation with my M.S nurse, it was decided that I should try Modafanil.  I am very lucky that I have a great Doctor and he prescribed it to me without any problem and this drug has been truly wonderful!  My levels of fatigue have vastly improved, it is simply brilliant, however I have to take a folic acid tablet ( thank God for that!  a drug with a short name for a change) and another tablet called Cyanocobalamin to help with my vitamin B12 levels.  This cocktail now keeps everything functioning as it should.  Due to Modafinil being a stimulant, I have to have ECG's on my heart  to check that it still works properly, not a problem to me, more of a problem to the nurse at the surgery making sure that all of the pads stick to my chest, I can't help being a hairy git now can I!! 

                             The 'down' side of all the drugs that I now take everyday (makes me sound like an uber junkie!!) is that I have to deal with an awful itchiness, mostly on my head and shoulders and it is constant!!  I scratch so bad sometimes that I end up pouring with blood, when I wake up in the mornings I look like I have gone to bed with Freddy Krueger, it is that bad!! To be honest, I think it looks worse than it actually is, it has really got me down and I feel it must look so unsightly, not the case as I am constantly told. One thing that exacerbates the scratching is whenever I have to deal with a stressful situation, could be at home but mostly it happens at work, it is truly horrible and very embarrassing! I have been to the Doctor about this, had blood tests but it does say that some of the side effects that each of these drugs can cause are some form of itching, well thank you very much!  The thing that bothers me is that they may have to take me off  Modafinil and put me onto something else, we shall see!  One of the things that I really miss because of this ongoing problem is having an Indian Head Massage!  It is a cross between me thinking that it must be horrible to massage my head and also a certain amount of discomfort to me too, so I have reluctantly decided to give them a miss until it is sorted out once and for all but I will be having them soon, that's for certain!

                   So, on one hand, the drugs that I take are marvelous, in pain relief and in fatigue management and when they have sorted out the side effect problems, all should be great.  Obviously, the drugs that I have had problems with are NOT the case for everybody, one mans meat etc, etc, so just because they are a problem to me, others are fine with them, I cannot emphasize that enough!

                   At this time of writing this particular chapter of my blog,  we are now in the period of Lent and for quite a few years now I have given up, for forty days, something that I am very fond of!  So I have given up chocolate and biscuits and I must be honest there are times already when I found giving up cigarettes a lot easier!  However,  I shall get through it like I always do and by the time forty days is up, at least I would have lost a few pounds in weight, so it can't be so bad really, can it!!  In the meantime, I could murder a packet of Jaffa cakes or a Mars Bar, so God help anyone who winds me up, I'm a man on the edge for Christs sake and my head is itching too, now that is such dangerous thing, a potential shit storm in the making!!

An Unwelcome Visitor: Chapter.11

                  Acknowledging  true friendship and love that has come                                   with this M.S journey of mine!

                         We are all blessed with having friends, these maybe from our childhood, or friendships that have developed over the years, whatever, we all value these friendships one way or another!  I have been fortunate in my lifetime to (blessed is what I was going to say but that's a bit pompous, don't you think!)  still be in regular contact with a lot to this day. I suppose these are the kind of people who I love almost as much as my immediate family and in more recent years they have all in one way or another, stepped up to the post!  They did not have to, I never asked them to or indeed, expected them to but I am and always will be grateful to them for sticking with me during my times of crisis!
                        I don't think there were any of my friends who kept their distance from me, it was mainly my family, my Mum and Dad and certain other relatives of mine, not my immediate family, my wife and my girls and my in-laws, they have all been fantastic, a pain in my arse at times but nonetheless, fantastic to me. My family may have had their reasons, I don't know why, I would try and convince myself that I really didn't care but deep down, I suppose I did! I have felt for such a long time that there were really two things that I was always juggling  in the air, one was obviously M.S and the other was worrying about the feelings of family and friends towards me!
                    Like so many of us, I have always found it easier to share my thoughts with friends, even more than certain members of my own family and back in the'dark' days early on, it was always my friends who for some reason, Christ knows why,  would keep me going and made sure I stayed on the right track to recovery.  I know I can state on record that without this 'genuine' love, I would have ended up in a far, far different place as to that you find me in now! My friends have always had a very different outlook towards me with M.S, I think that they all knew that the person I had become, who would sometimes turn into a bit of a shit, was and always will be, fundamentally, a really nice bloke but sometimes, he does have The Unwelcome Visitor staying with him for a while.
                   With time and a lot of practice, I think I can tell the warnings signs,before they get too bad, I'm not talking about the 'obvious' physical things but the other issues that can be just as damaging to others, like your attitude, your rudeness, your lack of respect or care for others and indeed (this is where it get's a bit corny) your love, yes LOVE for others!  We all like to be 'liked' and indeed 'loved' and this shitty condition that we have to deal with, has got a knack of really screwing up your ability to use and also accept these most basic of human emotions!  However, when this happens, we, the MS'r, has usually, got no control, or at least , very little over it at all, so now when this happens to me, most of the people who know me best, will leave me alone and let me work things out myself or, which is ALWAYS appreciated by me, they will tell me straight that I am heading towards the 'dark side' and be there to stop me falling in too far!
                  Through my use of the Internet in recent years, I have been so lucky to make contact with so many lovely people, people that I can honestly say have become great friends with (albeit in Cyberspace), they know all about me and I can say that the person they all know, is the real me, the real deal, I may be a lot of things but at least I am honest! These may be on Twitter, various forums and the like, I have been honest and as upfront with them as the professionals in the white coats have always been with me! I have talked about everything from M.S to Music to Politics and all points in between and apart from very serious conversations, some very heated, most very amicable, there have been lots and lots of laughs. All of these laughs that I have had, have been so good for me and I hope others too and this by it's very nature has got to be one of the best forms of human emotion there is, anything that can take you away from thinking about your problems for a while must be as good as anything the Doctor can prescribe for you I reckon!  I have also found that this form of 'points of view'(I hate the term social network!) has been great for exchanging ideas and tips from like minded people, being able to give my opinion, not advice, I tend to draw the line at giving advice, who am I to offer advice to anyone about anything, I am in no way qualified to do that, especially when it comes to M.S, it is far too much of a unique condition to do that, for starters we are all so different but if an opinion is asked for, then I'm your man!
                      In the past three or four years as I have said, I have exchanged thoughts with many, truly lovely people, most of whom do not have a clue as to how they have made my life just that bit more bearable and I do honestly treasure their friendship. Without them I would be just that bloke with M.S, who is fortunate to still be working, trying to deal with it in his own way and apart from his wife and kids and a few select friends, that would be all, as far as he would be concerned, who the hell else is out there, well, quite a lot actually!!
I now realize that my life is that much more 'fulfilled' all because of these people, the people who came with me for the ride , so I suppose it is only right that I should thank them all in print so to speak, so in no particular order, here goes:-

Gillian my wife and my girls ,Rosie, Molly and Grace, unconditional love always.
                  ********************************

Carole and Pete and Dolly Dimple(my mother-in-law) without your help in those early days, things would have been so much tougher!
                  ******************************** To all of the kind people who helped with collecting the kids from school while we were at the Hospital or the Physio's.
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My Doctors, the Neurologists and all of the 'white coats' at the Hospital.
                   ******************************* All of the various PhysioTERRORISTS for putting me back together again, even the sadists who stuck needles in me all in the name of acupuncture!
                   ******************************* To Kate and Verity my M.S Nurses, much love and respect to them even though I have probably driven them up the wall on occasion!
                  ******************************** The Company that I am so fortunate to still work for, so a very big THANKYOU to Swindon Pressings.
                  ******************************** To Cathy my first Occupational Nurse, Doctor Muir the Company Doctor who let me go back to work in the first place!
                  ******************************** To all (or at least ,most) of my workmates, thanks for being there.
                  ******************************** To my merry gang of 'true' friends, Rik, Dave, Chris, Bruce, Ady, Larry, Dave.M, Dennis.H, Stan, Dennis.B, Nigel, Andy, Steve, Colin, Big Al (R.I.P) and all of my oldest friends who I may have forgotten, no finer bunch of reprobates anyone could wish for and I love you all, you bunch of hoolies'!
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To Tom (R.I.P) and Jean, the best neighbours you could wish for!
                   ******************************* To Ivy and Fred, two of the nicest people out there!
                   ******************************* To Di and Kev, two of the nicest people I have yet to meet ( soon I promise) who have made me laugh so much!!
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To Steve, Tanya, Andy, Kaye, Sharon, Craig and all of those oh so naughty people back at Legion House!
                   ******************************* To Jackie Wray, Laura and all of the incredible staff at Swindon M.S Therapy Centre .
                  ******************************** To Carrie also at the Centre for helping me to 'try' and relax (still working on that one!) and sorting out this busted framework of mine with her special powers!
                 ********************************* To each and everyone of the fantastic people who I meet every week at the Centre, for teaching me not to be so self centred and above all, to make me realize that I am not alone!!
                ********************************** To Shelley for listening to me and helping me to come to terms with so,so much!!
               *********************************** To all of my friends on Twitter, far too many to mention but a special thanks to Caroline (@girl with MS), who knows, maybe we will have that glass of wine looking out over the Canyon, you never know!!
               ***********************************                  Putting my very own M.S Story out there as a blog, has been one of the best things that I have ever done and it is one of the best forms of therapy that an M.S'r can do!  Once you start, it flows out of you so easy, so I urge anyone to do it and just remember, it's your life, your story, so who is the best person to tell it, YOU!
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                 The story will continue, only now we have come up to date, I can now concentrate on my day to day life with M.S. 
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