An Unwelcome Visitor -  Chapter.13   


                                 What scares me about the future!

                  Now that I am thirteen years on from original diagnosis, I often find myself thinking about the future, what it is that awaits me and what I have got to look forward to! I often think about how I am going to deal with it when it comes and how I am going to prepare for it in the meantime, being honest it is not something I like to think about at all! The thing is, I don't think it is possible to do either with any form of accuracy because each day, each month and each year varies so much for all of us, you can sometimes be lucky to go ages without any problems at all and then...... well you know the rest! I suppose you could say that is the joy's of M.S and that is why I personally, will always hate it, it is no friend of mine!  Even after all this time, I would sell my soul to the devil to drive it out of my body, FACT!!

                 

                At this moment in time, I am doing pretty good, for the most part, most of my faculties are intact, at the moment anyway and apart from some aches and pains, I'm doing good, so I am not going to complain too much, I don't want to tempt fate!  Regarding me and M.S in a 'work' context, I do wish that it was not something that I have to think about on a daily basis, especially when it comes to 'career' opportunities. I may be fifty four but I still keep an eye out for what is going on at work,  probably because I want to stay working for as long as I can. You see, I have always been the sort of guy that likes work, I need to work, it keeps me sane and I like being at work, crazy, maybe but that is the way I have always been. As with any company, big or small, there are jobs that come along and applications are invited for everyone to be considered for them! I often see such positions come up for offer on team noticeboards or in my email inbox, some way above my level but some are more than suitable for me!  However, it saddens and more to the point, frustrates me that  because of me having M.S,  I will always just read about them rather than do any thing about them, like fill out an application form and wait for the call like every other applicant!  You see, I have to acknowledge the fact that I must not allow myself to have to deal with  pressure of any kind, this 'stress' only goes to exacerbate my symptoms, it makes my fatigue worse for a start! When I see positions come up, that under normal circumstances I would just jump at the chance but I am not stupid,  I know that with a new job comes new responsibilities and the risk to myself and ultimately to my family, is just far too great.  I have already been out of action twice now and I'm too scared that it could happen again and I suppose it would be pretty selfish of me to pile it on to my family again!  I accept that I'm just destined to stay as I am and for as long as I can and be content with what I have got,  looking at it from another angle, I will always be that nice guy at work, you know the one, always taking the piss, walks with a limp!  So, I find other things to interest me, less stressful things, things that make me feel good but it still  doesn't stop me from dreaming of what might have been though does it, of course it doesn't!  I suppose if people still see me as, for the most part anyway, still the same, then I will, grudgingly accept it!

                  I must be honest, even a cocky sod like me gets a bit scared from time to time when changes start to happen, even after all these years!  I can go for week's even months where there are no changes at all but when changes do occur, however small they might be, I can't help but become acutely aware of them!  The changes that I find are the hardest to deal, as I have often said before, are usually the ones that other people notice first and these may be subtle, so subtle I am usually not even aware of them at first, or perhaps I am but choose to conveniently ignore them! 

                  These changes usually start with an ache or even a pain that I have not noticed before and at the moment for instance, both of my wrists are really hurting! I could be at work  carrying a box or package and the pain can sometimes be so intense almost like there is nothing attaching my wrists to my arms and this in turn makes me end up almost 'cuddling' the item close to my chest to just keep hold of it!  Now this worries me, I might not 'openly' show it but it certainly does, so, by upping my pain killers usually does the trick, so far anyway! However, it does seem to be happening more and more and I will have to mention this when I have my next review with the Neurologist in April, now this is something that worries me a bit, is an MRI scan on the horizon, it has been a long time, we shall see!!
                   Sometimes in the mornings, my balance is a bit wobbly, I sometimes move around making sure there is something in grabbing distance to me, just to be on the safe side!  When this happens, it is only for the first few minutes of me getting up and  there is quite often somebody around, usually my wife, so I can't blag my way out of it, believe me I try!  I have a mixed feeling of 'bravado' on one hand and 'fear' on the other, I suppose there is a big spoonful of denial in there somewhere too, it's a conflict for sure, between an M.S thing and a 'man' thing. If I were to be perfectly honest, perhaps even seen as  selfish to some, my main fear, my biggest fear even, is that one day I may have to pack up work, for good!  This is a prospect that I find so daunting, it just scares the hell out of me to even think about it!

                 I am not embarrassed to say that there have been a few occasions when I have woken up in the middle of the night, sweating and even crying where the fear has become so intense, if my wife has woken too, I just say that I have been having a nightmare and tell her to go back to sleep! Little does she know that I have been having a nightmare, potentially a very real nightmare!  I suppose it all stems from the fact that I have had on two occasions, been forced to take time off from work and all during those times, my main focus was being able to return to work, that is what kept me going! Now if that is considered stupid by some, selfish even, I can live with that, that is just the kind of guy I am, I suppose it is the hunter, gatherer spirit within that is SO deep rooted, it will be within me as long as I walk the earth and if that sounds dramatic, pompous, whatever, this mindset is planted so deep within, I can't change now and I think that those who know me best, would not be able to deal with me, if I were any other way! I know it sounds stupid to most people but M.S can do it's worst as far as I am concerned but the harm it could do to me, just by potentially bringing to an end my ability to work, is just something that I don't want to acknowledge! 
                        People who I know personally, people who I have been fortunate to get to know through forums, blogs and the like, these people have my utmost respect when they tell me that they have fully accepted M.S, that they are ok with it and that they are content with the path that they are on now!  However, I still after all this time, cannot and I know it is something that I have got to deal with one day but how, when and where...........i'll get back to you on that one!  Until that time comes, I shall, as best I can, 'just keep on keepin' on'!