An Unwelcome Visitor : Chapter.22

I don't do Pain, it's left me alone..........until now goddammit!

           Compared to some, pain, by that I mean, REAL pain, has so far eluded me, I have had a lot of aches but no 'real' pain at all, so I guess we can safely say, I have been lucky!  Just lately however, the pain that I have been experiencing, seems to be getting worse and this has, in equal measure, angered me, perhaps started to worry me even, probably because I am left handed in most things that I do!  I write with it, I eat with it, I play guitar left handed(mostly uke these days!) my brain thinks left and it instructs me to perform 'most' things with my left!  So you can imagine my sense of fear, when all appears to have gone 'tits up' with my left hand because what started off as an annoying 'twinge', has turned into a full blown 'JESUS CHRIST'!!!  Describing a pain is something I have always struggled to be able to do, I just can't get my head around this 'on a scale of one to ten' bollocks but just imagine, someone or something has grabbed your arm, grips your wrist and begins to crush the hell out of it, getting tighter and tighter as they begin to twist around your hand!  I have been taking prescribed painkillers for 'mild' pain for sometime and they appear to have worked at all of the required parts of 'me' that they are needed but they are proving to be totally ineffective for my wrist!  As I said earlier, this is both worrying me and really, I mean REALLY pissing me off, so much so that I am seeing the Doc next week to see what he has to say.  

                       I may have just damaged it in some way, I don't know, perhaps it has been there for longer than I care to admit/acknowledge but it's getting to be a bit like toothache, it gets you down after a while!  I think that people are beginning to think that I have lost it a bit lately because I am often heard swearing at it 'loudly' and as normal, I want the pain gone and I want it gone NOW!!

                I use a P.C a hell of a lot, at work and at home, so is it carpel tunnel syndrome, I do a lot of 'manual' work, a lot of lifting , have I broken my wrist, have I sprained it, I don't know, I have never experienced either before so I don't know the feeling that I would be going through, at least there is no swelling so I think that rules them out anyway! So, is The Bastard thing making it's presence felt a bit more than normal, I just don't know, we shall wait and see!  I think that I would be feeling totally different about it if it were my right wrist, I know that sounds stupid but believe me, my right hand has always been an 'afterthought', I have always thought of it as the 'backup' to my left anyway.  So when things become a bit 'different' to normal, I do get a bit 'concerned' shall we say but as I have said from day one, Martin my boy, you have been a lucky son-of-a-bitch! So I have been 'flexing' my wrist a bit more than normal, all in the vain hope that it will keep the damn thing from completely going to 'sleep' on me!

'The little Jar of Delights'

              I have recently tried using something that I have thought about for years, 'Tiger Balm' and I must be honest it has been a bit different to what/how I imagined it would be!  I did get it to use on my wrist, sad I know but I have been getting really wound up by it so I thought, what the hell, give it a go!  What I had heard of it before was that this little jar of 'special' ointment  had wonderful powers of healing etc etc!  So I bought a jar, not off the Net, from a well known High Street Chain of Chemists, rubbed it on my wrist and waited for it to do it's stuff! Then I had heard that people rub some onto their temples to relieve tension, right then, i'll have some of that!  So, has it worked, wrist, not so sure yet, relief of tension, the vapor certainly makes you more alert, makes your eyes tend to stare wildly (nothing new there then!) and everyone, I mean everyone, has told me to make sure that I wash my hands thoroughly after applying it and 'before' I go for a pee, I believe it 'burns' and not in a 'good' way, so I don't think I will put it to the test if that is ok with you!!!

         

            Just lately, I have been giving thought to a few things that I would 'never' have even dreamed of, one being 'meditation'.  I did try it years ago, in my pre-M.S days and I must be honest, I was just kidding myself, I could never really relax enough, even in those days, beer, girls and loud music were the order of the day back then!  To allow myself to go into a completely peaceful state of mind is still SO hard for me to do but at least I'm now trying , things are a bit, well, a lot different now, I'm older for a start, perhaps I am more determined,  so I shall keep on at it!! 

                      I seem to now be able to 'close down' a bit easier, not completely yet, still a work in progress, I have to be in the house on my own, no noises or distractions of any kind!  I am only 'gone' for about five to ten minutes and the first few times I ended up getting a 'banging' headache, which was a bit of a turn off!  I know that having the correct posture is also a great help, essential really but I am a natural 'sloucher' so that is in itself a challenge  but it has spurred me on to make inquiries about going to some sort of class, it is definitely one of those things that I should have done years ago that's for sure!!

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            I have also started to write poetry and short stories, oh yea right, I hear you say, a hairy arsed rocker writing poetry, oh yes mes amis!  It is albeit, for my own reading pleasure, early days yet and they are a bit....scratchy, a bit rough round the edges (much like myself perhaps!) but I am enjoying it, it is very 'cathartic', you should try it!  Only a few have been subjected to my 'prose', The Angel that is 'Perpetual Sunshine' and  'Sweet Caroline', the beautiful fair Ladies Of The Canyon, to name but......two,  now these two know their way round a pad and pen that's for sure, compared to me without doubt but it's fun, a bit like doing a blog I suppose, a bit like a gusher, once it goes, it just spews forth, just watch that baby go!

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Some like it hot, oh, that will be  me!!

It is well documented that some M.S'rs are greatly effected by temperature!  This could be anything from the weather temperature, the temperature of your food to the temperature you run your bath or shower!  Well, luckily for me, I am not effected or bothered by any of these, so I am very lucky, things I have heard, spoken or read about in recent times tell me that this can be quite different for some people!

Sitting in the sun, being out in the sun does not bother me at all, the only things that I have to watch out for are getting sunburn on my head, being a baldy, that goes with the territory!  A hat is the order of the day to prevent this, also because I am blessed with a 'proud' nose, so a good dollop of sun cream is a must, although I may not feel the burning anymore, it is not a good look walking around with blisters and peeling skin on it!

Enjoying the sunshine is, for me anyway, such a 'feelgood' way to waste some time, it makes me relaxed, it makes me happy I suppose, sitting in a chair and closing my eyes is all I need and I am soon away to a much better place and that suits me fine! People are generally nicer to each other if it is nicer out, most people are happier, more friendly and sociable, nice days do have the power  to take you away from your other worries.......at least, for a while! 

                 However, I will be the first to acknowledge that it can also bite you on the ass if you are not careful! So if you are anything like me, ten minutes sat out in it and you usually fall asleep anyway, then eventually you wake up looking like a lobster, not a good look but I must be honest, I love to see the expressions on peoples faces when they ask me, 'bet that hurts' and I, with a wicked smile say, 'actually, it doesn't! 

               So the moral is, cream up first, don't stay out too long and try not to fall asleep, in fact most of the things we have told  the kids to make sure that they should do, so, guilty as charged, you've got me bang to rights!  I use the lame excuse of 'not feeling' myself burn like I used to, which as I say,  very true but when you have got the wife and kids going on at me, I go the 'anything for a quiet life' route and be a 'I'll be a good boy!'  Being totally honest for a minute, I suppose I have got this stupid attitude where upon I often am known to say, 'what's the worst that can happen to me now, my life has been blighted enough by this Bastard Thing for Gods sake'!! Quite a lot actually, having M.S does not make me exempt from getting sunburn, my skin is still the same, I may not 'feel' the burn like I used to and I am still fortunate to be able to get out of the sun, unlike some of us, so, for me, no excuse!! (Although I do stand by my comment, I just keep it to myself most of the time!)  

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My feelings towards Death!!!

Oi! you up there, with the axe thingy bob, I'm just about to explain my feelings, so FUCK YOU, I'll come when I'M ready ok!!

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I must point out, the following feelings, ramblings are purely my 'own', they are not meant and certainly should not be construed as being anything other than my 'own' viewpoint!  We all have our own ways of looking at this subject and I appreciate that but these are mine!

Do you 'cherish' life, are you inclined to be the sort of person that wants to, that needs to, hang on to every single minute that you have got of it?  This was a question that was asked of me recently by some good friends (most of my friends are good ones)!  I had to give it a bit of thought, I had never been asked such a question since being diagnosed and it certainly is not something that I give a lot of my thoughts to!  My answer to them was to say 'am I afraid of dying, is that what you mean'?, I could see from their collective faces that because of the 'matter of fact' way that I approached my answer to the question, they were a bit.....uncomfortable shall we say!  Eventually one  replied, 'well.......yes I suppose we do'!!

Am I afraid of dying, such an important question, one that is not an easy one to ask and one that has more than one answer to it and as I said in the beginning, this is purely and totally my own!

I think I may have said before at some time, I know that the M.S that I have, is not going to kill me, it has got the capacity to make my life pretty shitty if it wants, no question of that and I am most definitely, fully aware of that too! I suppose because M.S is at the moment, 'a chronic incurable condition', having now got used to that knowledge, my thoughts, my outlook on life , are certainly, as far as I am now is concerned, 'well adjusted, in fact, totally adjusted'.  I know that  maybe, I will be in  for a rough time, or not as the case maybe, it's because that this notion is never too far away from my own thoughts, my opinion on dying is perhaps a little different to most, maybe cynical, maybe even ......selfish!  Let's get one thing straight, I have no intention of shutting up shop just yet, I also have no intention of hanging around for too many years if this Bastard Thing has other ideas about the game we are going to play either! Now let me be honest, I have no desire at all to play any game that is 'SO' one sided, especially one that I can never, ever win!  I have no intention of becoming a burden on anyone, especially to my wife, to my family and friends, I do not want carers looking after me, I have been there with my wife taking care of me, so I do know what I am talking about and I hated it with a passion and I have vowed that I would never want to go through that again, EVER!  I certainly do not wish to make friends with this Bastard Thing that has fucked up my life for fourteen years, I may not die 'because of M.S' but I will die 'with M.S', I will have the last laugh and it will be long and hearty!!  There have been times, when This Bastard Thing has been toying with me, getting the better of me and I have become a bit 'down' a bit 'morose', a bit of a " why don't you just FUCK OFF" state of mind, do you get the picture, I think you do!!  Eventually, so far at least and thankfully, it goes, it leaves me alone, a bit battered, a 'bit' less than I was before but it goes!

        Right then, the question is, you may be asking, do I think I am being selfish, well, I suppose I am because let's be honest, it is only ME that is going to ultimately have to deal with  the outcome, so have I got the right to determine my own future?  All I am saying is that such a monumental decision, let's not beat about the bush here, the ULTIMATE decision, should be mine and mine alone and if some dick-head in Westminster who makes the laws that we all have to abide by, say's otherwise, that it is a crime and I should not even 'think' of what 'I want'!  Well, we can have a drink together, we can chat about it but don't you dare try and tell me what I should do or how I should be thinking, that's all I am saying!

              Let me make it perfectly clear, as I said earlier, I have no intention of disappearing into the sunset just yet, I do want to enjoy my retirement when it comes (again, not just yet, I'm only 54 for Christ's sake!).  I would like to have grand kids maybe, that decision is purely that of my own kids, up to them. I have made a 'bucket list' and I certainly will aim to complete that to the best of my ability, starting now!  While I am still able to work, I intend to stay doing that for as long as I can, my wife works, all of my kids work ( all still at home though, bummer!!) I have no mortgage to worry about so we intend to 'down-size' to a bungalow and do it now while I am still relatively in good health. We plan to do some travelling, do some things that I/we have always wanted to do, do as much 'STUFF' while I still can, things that we always planned on doing but because of this Bastard Thing, coming along for the ride, we have just had to bring things a little further forward than we had planned!  Please, please forgive me for coming across as perhaps too clinical or pompous, I am sorry but that is just me, I have plans and they all involve choices that will be mine, MY CHOICES!

            My argument with the'MAN' is what right has he got to say how my life  should go if things start to go down hill, oh yes, that would be a big fat 'ZERO', so if I am happy with my choices, so be it and I would appreciate them to be ok with them too!  So unless a miracle happens and this Bastard Thing becomes consigned to the history books (you never know!!) I plan on heading off to a far ,far better place, where smiling, being happy and nice, is the law!

          I bet your thinking, 'what the hell is he on this week, what's he talking about!' Well my friends, that's fine with me because as we ALL know, M.S is a very 'solitary' condition in the first place, we are affected differently and we ALL have an opinion and this particular one is MINE!

          As there are quite a few things on my 'bucket list', I aim to be around for quite a while before I have to address any of that 'serious' stuff but to answer the original question, NO I'm not afraid of dying, it's official!

             So some of the list is 'wishful thinking' , like sharing a cuppa with Keith and Ronnie, chewing the fat with Iggy, I want to borrow Slash's top hat, I would love to see Maria Doyle Kennedy play some gigs in the UK, I want to get up on stage and duet with Al Green!  Christ, my list of wants and to-do's is endless, 'unbelievable' even but a man can dream ........can't he!

                   Until next time, bombs away dream babies. XX