The Unwelcome Visitor : Chapter 20

When was the last time?
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               Now, that my friends, is a bit of a 'loaded' question!  What does he mean you are asking, is it something you did, is it something you 'nearly' did or wished you had done! Don't tell me, did this bastard thing we all love to loathe make the decision for you, did you think about what effect it may have on you, you did didn't you!!  Of course we can't be completely reckless, or selfish for that matter, a lot of what we want to do impacts on those around us, the people we are mostly connected to, so a bit of care is required as to  'where, when , how and with who' you decide to throw caution to the wind but it certainly does not hurt to do something crazy now and again!!  After all my friends, we have to toe the line most of the time, do we not and  it is such a good feeling to 'give it large' once in a while!

             

Who say's you can't, oh, that would be NOBODY!!

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                   A great friend of mine recently talked me into going to a biker gig at a local pub, I was not at all keen, it's been years since I had gone for booze-up with my old mates, I have been to see bands since this Bastard thing has arrived but it's kind of different!  I usually know the venue, I know where the toilets are and I keep the fluid intake under control, also I am usually giving my undivided attention to the band or act anyway!  Although I have been out socializing many times with M.S, it has mostly been 'controlled' if that makes sense, it has been many years since I have 'really' and I mean 'really' let go and let my hair down (not that there is much to let down these day's you understand!) So I agreed to go and the evening of the gig arrived, we got dropped off and when I went in, it was like I had stepped back in time, so many familiar faces and a lot of back slapping ensued!  The beer started to flow and the band came out and proceeded to 'bludgeon' the crowd, it was great and it was soon that I remembered thinking that this is what life was all about, this is what I used to do, this is what I really used to enjoy, to LOVE doing!!  Long story short, I got pissed, I got totally plastered and I LOVED it, I had beer down my shirt, I fell over, I got up, I fell over again, some big biker dudes picked me up each time and I remember thinking, are they doing it because I might be in the way or are they doing it because I have got M.S?  Of course they did not care what I had wrong with me, it was just for those few hours, I was having a good time with them, correction, I was having the best of times, this was how I remembered how good it was, how I wished it still could be!  I could have just gone along, had some one bring me the odd beer while I just sat in a corner having the odd conversation, while all of the time longing for the taxi to arrive, fortunately, thankfully, I did none of those things!!  I don't remember getting home, I remember struggling with the key in the lock and somehow crashing out on the sofa, I was not sick, I did not pee myself, all I remember was my jaw aching from the permanent grin on my face!  The following morning I got both barrels from my wife, not for being drunk but because I had forgotten to take my tablets, oops! I remember thinking to myself, so FUCKING what, I don't feel too bad at all, I must still have had adrenaline coursing through my veins but it was good, it was SO good!  So the moral of this little saga is, you have to let yourself go 'once' in a while, if only to remember how you 'used' to be and you never know, just maybe, you won't feel as bad as you think, just.....maybe!

Having to stare this Bastard thing in the face!!

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           With the highs that came from that Friday night came a very 'real' low a few days later!!   I was asked a question that was impossible for me to answer, it was one of the most 'thought provoking' and ultimately 'emotional ' questions that I have had to face in all of my time with M.S!  One of my daughters asked me how I 'used' to feel 'before' M.S compared to how I feel now?  I gave it some thought but I could not answer her, simply because I cannot remember how I used to feel  before June 2000!  The way I feel 'now', the way I am 'now' is just my life 'now', the recollection of me 'physically' has gone, I just cannot recall feeling any different! Maybe I have subconsciously 'erased' that feeling from my memory banks because I know I am never, ever going to feel that way again, now there is a thought that smacks you right between the eyes!!  This upset me, partly because I could not answer her but I suppose more so because I could not answer myself, I tried and tried but could not come up with anything!  My wife has said that I should look at some old VHS tapes that we still have that were taken years ago, just to see if that jogs my memory, I have told her that I will put that onto my 'to-do' list but then again, I don't think I shall, that would be just 'too' painful to watch, to see my 'old' self! For me, coming to terms with this Bastard thing has been an 'epic' journey, one that I never chose to embark on and one that I have still to deal with, so to look back on the old me, smiling and laughing with not a care in the world, no thanks, not yet anyway!!

                        Me and my Incontinence Paranoia!
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          Due to my week being so very 'up and down' emotionally this particular thought was never far from my mind, it has been a very emotionally charged week that's for sure!  I have ALWAYS had a fear of either peeing or pooing myself and so far, I have been remarkably lucky I  suppose, come close a couple of times but always made it in time! With the amount of beer that I consumed recently, I definitely pee'd more than normal and remarkably made it to the toilet each time, so yes, I agree, I am a lucky bastard, no question!! I acknowledge that if I pee myself through being drunk, I can't blame it on M.S, that would be too easy( not that I am an out and out piss-artist you understand, heaven forbid!!)!  However, I am completely aware that should this become a problem to me in the future because of M.S, there are plenty of people who I could turn to if I need to, although I am a bloke who normally would not discuss any bowel or bladder issues with anyone other than my wife but I am not stupid, I know that I only have to ask, no need for any of us to suffer in silence or dampness!  
                     I know that there must be some reading this who have dealt with this issue for years, they are probably thinking, 'lucky bastard' and I acknowledge that, believe me I do!  So I am lucky, it has not affected my life, in real terms that is, just my crazy mind playing games with my head as per bloody usual!

You are unique, we are a one off, 'aint nobody like you or me!!

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Probably like a lot of us, I have often thought that having M.S has 'aged' me far quicker than the normal passage of time, it is not an uncommon thing for people to think I am older than I am (bastards!!)!!  The main reason I think that we age, not necessarily 'faster' than others but certainly at a, shall we say, just a tad.....more of a noticeable pace!! I think it's because our lives become 'slower' paced and this causes us to think more, which causes us to 'frown' more, which causes to gain wrinkles, which cause our hair to go grey and in my case, fall out, it's a vicious cycle!!  I seriously think that you should not speed up the 'aging' process by giving in or 'thinking' that you should give in, I bet you are probably thinking, what does he know, he has only got R.R.M.S! Well ok, that's true but I also know that we are a long time dead and I for one have no intention soon of giving my life to this Bastard thing, I intend on giving it as much shit as it has given to me!!  I know it is easier said than done but don't get older, faster than you have to, the years that we have are more precious than ever now, so we need to do as much as we can, as often as we can because once they are gone, they are gone, never to return!  

So, hang on to the 'now' with all you have got, this Bastard thing takes what it wants, when it wants, so do not give it anything without a fight, not always easy I know but 'YOU' have to, 'WE' have to, 'I' have to, it's the law, 'OUR' law!!

Who knew, they didn't that's for sure!!

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            I am a week later than normal, I have been away celebrating my 30th wedding anniversary, a few days away at a Hotel in Devon, very nice, very posh and VERY expensive!! We had the opportunity to dress up to the nines, be waited on hand foot and finger and generally relax, something which I have mentioned about many times before, is almost impossible for me do! M.S was not mentioned, discussed or barely even thought of for those couple of days, by me or my wife and definitely the hotel staff who were blissfully unaware anyway!  There were to be no special requirements, no inclusions and no exceptions, this Bastard thing was kicked into touch for a while and it was great!  Just having too much too think about made M.S far too 'unimportant' to think about, it barely registered on my radar! I vowed to my wife that I would be on my best behaviour and stayed on Gin and Tonic the whole time!  I loved the whole time we spent away, I even wore a dinner suit and never spilt anything down myself, result there then!!

The Burgh Island Hotel, posher than posh!!

Before the 'transformation', a caterpillar into a butterfly if you will!

Bring it on, I'm ready for anything!!

  

 Got to live it while you can, I'm feeling very.......

Sean Connery, yea, that's the fella.....

Sean Connery, who knew.............I shall drink to that,  got to forget this Bastard thing now and again, let yourself go, Cheers!

Rant over,  it's been a lovely week, one I shall remember for all the right reasons! Till next time, Bombs Away Dream Babies! XX