The Unwelcome Visitor : Chapter 21

              Don't know why but I am pretty angry this week, a bit pissed off, must be because it was such a good week last week so now it's back to work, back to the daily grind  and it has has been a  kind of 'reality check' if you will! I just can't stand listening to the whiny, winging people you  have to work with day in and day out, keeping me from telling them to shut the fuck up is such a hard job, if it is a 'justified' gripe or moan, fair enough, spew it out but it usually is not most of the time!  So I have to think of subtle way's in which to pretend that I am interested, well my friends, that 'aint so easy and I don't want to be thought of as that miserable sod now do I! So I shall just keep on confusing them, it's what I do, it's what I am good at, let them think I am interested in their snotty noses and their bad backs.  If it is genuine, then I am your friend, I will listen, if not, then find somebody else, PLEASE, I have far more important things and REAL friends to share my life with!!

Getting back your self -esteem!!
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                 This is something that hits us all in varying degrees but it certainly does a hell of a lot of damage, as much as we try and kid ourselves, it does play havoc on us all!  When you are hit with anything that changes you as a person physically, that is bad enough and also very obvious but M.S does more than that (if you let it of course!!) it kicks the crap out of your self esteem!  Where once upon a time you were a very 'in your face' type of person, an outgoing guy as in my case, someone who was up for most things, a very tactile person, a very friendly person, maybe even 'flirtatious' (always in a nice way you understand), the various changes that happen to you are almost too numerous to list! The saddest thing  about these changes are, we 'ALL' think that they are so obvious to others, we notice them ourselves, we experience them, so others must see them too, right, you would think so!  This is virtually always far from the truth and most people will tell us that is not the case at all, all very nice to know but at first and for a long time after, you just think that they are being nice and maybe just humoring you, I know I did that's for sure!  I have had many a heated 'discussion' with my wife on this very subject and she always fails to 'get' what is bugging me but she knows me better than any Doctor, better than any Councillor, better than any 'white coat', of course she does but she is my wife, for better or for worse after all!!  I suppose she can 'see through' all of the changes to me,  she can still see the real me, whereas, I still have so much trouble finding the real 'me' but I'm in there, I just need a bit of help being found, a bit of coaxing out to make an appearance from time to time!

                              

                        

                                   The Man in the mirror!
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          Am I a shadow of my former self?  Am I a 'cracked actor' just pretending to be the person that M.S wants me to be? Do I have to do as I'm told...............I don't think so!
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         I don't know about you guy's but I would on occasion, look into a mirror and the person looking back would 'never' be me, always someone else, probably because I would never be smiling, never be happy, a 'distant' shadow of the person that I once was perhaps? I know that I have mentioned this before but I have been staring into the mirror a lot lately, sometimes I tend to stare long and hard into it too, I sometimes get so angry, I don't know why, is it with me or the reflection looking back at me! I'm not ashamed to admit, that sometimes I become very sad, very emotional, it just seems to 'well up' in me, usually not for long thankfully!  My wife would be the one who would shake me back to reality, she would get very angry with me and tell me that I was the same person inside, I just needed to smile a bit more, start to like myself a bit more and the 'old' me would come storming back!  Yet again she is right and soon I start to see that the  reflection that I wanted to be looking at, would start to re-appear in the mirror!  Of course, she is right, she's always right, that's what witches do, right! So the person I always was, the person that I sometimes choose 'not' to see, obviously he is always there, always inside me,  begins to re-appear, takes a bit of time but he gradually comes back and my battle with this Bastard thing begins again in earnest!  I am 'SO' lucky,so 'incredibly' lucky, I could be 'SO' much worse than I am, it's just taken me such a long time to realize, even fourteen years down the line, 'thinking' I am worse than I am, has been the main reason, correction, the 'ONLY' reason that my self-esteem has taken such a pounding!  It must be a form of 'self-harming' I suppose because when I look into the subject, I don't mean cutting myself or any form of blood letting but it is only me that has done the kicking, I have been at war with myself I suppose, I have done the harm to my thinking process, we 'all' do, there is no denying it, we all do! So what should I do, where do I go!  Well, as I have said so many times before, I, you, we and us have first and foremost, got to start 'liking' ourselves, there is no room for any kind of doubt, we must not, repeat, 'NOT', let M.S grab the chance to do a complete 'make-over' on us as individuals!

  

                                   The 'Ring' of Kick Ass!!
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               On a recent trip to Glastonbury, I had decided to fulfill a long held dream of mine, I wanted to acquire a skull ring!  A man of fifty four like myself, you are probably thinking, what the hell does he want one for at his age, twat!  Well my friends, I have wanted one for years, ever since the days when I had hair and as a 30th anniversary present from my wife, I asked for one and much to my surprise, she said ok, I think she was just humouring me!  We went to Glastonbury, found a silversmith down an alley way, fitting from a scene straight out of Harry Potter,  Mel's of Glastonbury,( highly recommend you check him out) saw the one I wanted, measured my finger, ordered the ring with a handshake and a week later, it was ready!  This was to be my homage to Keith Richards, to Iggy to Slash to Lemmy and all of the rebels that wear one as a badge of honour, as their own statement, although the 'personal' significance it means to me, is HUGE!!

Elegantly wasted!

Been there, done that and I'm still gonna kick your ass!!

Life is for living.......my way!

.....and your point is??

             
                                                              

                                       

My very own 'statement of Intent'!

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'Feel the vibes man, touch the screen, go on feel it, go on....... go on,  FEEL IT!!

'Oh, so it's you, M.S I believe, I've been waiting for you!  Oh, you will, will you!!!

  
                         

                                       SOME MIGHT SAY!!!

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                 I have my own reasons yes , I am working to my own agenda most definitely, more so in recent years, especially since my own personal conflict began with this Bastard thing!!  By not only acquiring a skull ring, I am living out a dream but it is also my own way of rebelling against M.S I suppose, this is to be my own way of saying 'up yours' M.S! 
    
         It cannot protect me, it cannot stop this Bastard thing, of course it can't but as long as I have got the ring, my ring, with me, I'm going to take it on, I am not going to be an easy target!  A stupid philosophy some might say,  maybe even seen by most as futile but I can't be any different, or rather, I won't be any different!
           
           I hate you M.S, I hate what you have done to me, what you do to me, what you do to others, I do not respect you, I never have and I never will!!   You are CRUEL, you are EVIL, one day WE will have the last laugh,  this is going to be no easy ride for both of us, that's a given!!
            ' Sometimes you may have my body, sometimes you have the power to mess about with it but you 'aint got my 'attitude' and you never will!!!

   

                  ......oh, almost forgot, did I say M.S, UP YOURS!!........


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                   A prayer from the Tor, for the Battle of Hope!
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                   'Dear Lord, I wish to grow as old as I can, as disgracefully as I can and as COOL as I can GODDAMMIT!!!
So if you could see your way into helping me in taking on This Unwelcome Visitor and this Bastard Thing that it brings with it, I would be oh so grateful.  I have in my possession a Skull ring, that has mystical powers (allegedly) , all the way from the sacred town and Tor of Glastonbury in the Shire of Somerset!  It was made for me by the skilled hands of  Mel of Glastonbury(Silversmith to Gods angry men) and along with my trusty Uke, my battleaxe of choice, I am equipped for this great battle but a watchful eye would be appreciated, 'cos I do get a bit larey if things start to stack up against me!
                                     Love you Man!

'If I wanna dance, I'm gonna dance'

'The Kick-Ass dance of the Keeper of the Tor'

(M.S'rs can and do wear flip-flops, it's the law!!)

               I know, I know, you probably are thinking he's pretty shot away this week but I just feel kind of angry, kind of sad, maybe a little too 'reflective', maybe sat out in the sun too long recently, who knows, whatever!! I know one thing, I have been working too hard at work, doing holiday cover, standing in for others and then doing my own work! It's so easy to become complacent about my M.S, doing the best I can, keeping everybody happy and all the while not thinking 'enough' about myself!  The week starts off fine, not a problem but by the time Thursday comes around, I am starting to flag, fortunately the weather has been great so far, so when I get home,  I have a wash and get changed and sit in the garden and enjoy the sun!

              Next week will be fine, back to a full compliment of staff, so things go at a 'normal' pace once again!  I have promised myself, my wife, everyone who means a lot to me that I will take notice of what my body, let's face it, sometimes SCREAMS at me to slow down, to take it easy and I will, I shall but it is so hard for me to do, you would think that it would be easy for me, after all, I have been wrecked 'twice' in fourteen years, you would think that alone would be enough of a 'hint'! I suppose it is just me thinking, no, I just can't stop wishing that I am still  the same as I always was, the same as everyone else, maybe, don't know, whatever!

                I still pray that this is just a bad dream and I'm going to wake up in a cold sweat and fall around laughing, 'cos it's all over!  Well my friends, one things for certain, I've got this 'Bastard Thing' for sure but it can't stop me dreaming, now can it!

Till next time, bombs away dream babies! XX